To be upset and angry about my mums weight

[worriedallthetime15]

I know I probably am being the unreasonable one, but i’m so angry and upset about my mum’s weight and it’s all coming out right now
For context, my mum has struggled with her weight since I was a child, she lost a huge amount a few years ago, was even one of the slimming world slimmers of the year losing about 5 stone. Before that she had also dropped a lot and got down to a really small size around 2007.

Anyway, this year has been hard for our family. We’re all very close and my grandmother had a very difficult stay in the hospital and we nearly lost her a few times. She’s finally out and she has more care needs than she did before. I am helping my mother care for her all day as it stands.
My mother is 64, she is struggling with her weight and she keeps getting fluid on her legs, they go red and swollen. She also refuses to ever see a GP.
When she was in the hospital with my grandmother we saw how awful the NHS is at the minute. Literally saw older people being dehydrated and left to die and she kept saying how she couldn’t end up in hospital. She even dropped 2 stone.
Now it’s all gone back on and more and she’s just given up. I know it’s Christmas, but she’s being a glutton. Every night she has a huge slab of brownie, loads of ice creams and double cream and chocolate sauce all over. I asked her to maybe just have a slice of the brownie once in a while.
Anyway, it all came to a head last night when I commented on her yet again overloaded desert.
What I feel is, if she ends up in hospital, I’ll not only have to care for her (I’m an only child and she’s not married) but I’ll also have to somehow care for my nan at the same time. I’m also disabled myself and as I type I’m in a lot of pain with arthritis but have to keep on to care for my grandmother. I can’t possibly do everything and care for her at the same time and take it all on, I’ll have no life of my own. I have a lot to manage with my own health conditions anyway.
She refuses to take any responsibility for herself and I think maybe I’m being selfish in just wanting to her to take ownership of her own health.

Your mum needs compassion not derision.
She clearly has an eating disorder. Instead of being angry, help her seek therapy and maybe have a conversation about injectables to control the urge to binge.

I have tried compassion, I have tried to help her to therapy and counselling. I supported her through her weight loss journey when she shed weight.

She won't seek help, she won't go to the dr, she hasn't been in over 10 years.

if you DM has had issues with eating throughout her life, having you whinge on about it will probably exacerbate the situation rather than meeting YOUR desired intention.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to feel the way you’re feeling, but I do think it’s a little unreasonable to share how you feel with your mum in the way you did. It sounds like over eating and dieting might be a stress/trauma response for your mum? Maybe it would help to express empathy with how she responds to stress, and work out how you can support her with that, rather than tackling the eating head on.

for context, my mother also has problems with her weight, except that she undereats and doesn’t get enough nutrition. She’s also primary carer for dad and I think for her it’s also a stress response and I notice that when the pressure is off her her appetite returns and she eats more balanced healthier meals. We noticed it’s impossible to just tell her to eat better,, we have to actually change the environment around her.

big hugs, I know how stressful it is, especially when burden of additional care might be on your shoulders

OP you need to look after yourself. I would try to step back, they should get some support eg. from social services.

It's not intentional, I suppose I'm at my wits end and exhausted and in pain and see that she's heading for the hospital and continuing with kid gloves is doing nothing at all. She just strops anytime anything is ever mentioned or starts a huge argument until everyone is scared to mention it.

I think you've got carer's burn-out and overwhelm, OP - and it's good you've recognised this before it's too late.

Have you ever sought out support for yourself? Do you currently have any?

Has she got anything that has suddenly started huge cravings for sugar. My mum is like this but shes incredibly old, has deteroriated a lot mentally, I suspect perhaps early dementia which I thought made people crave sugar. My mum is also on MH meds which make you crave sugary foods

First two posts nailed it.

I have tried, over and over and over again. If it's ever brought up in a kind or gentle way she kicks off and makes it so it cannot be mentioned and if it is we're 'killing her' by making her blood pressure go up or 'ruining everything'. It's impossible to ever bring it up, that's why it's come to a head, it's been forever mentioning it kindly over and over again. She refuses help of any kind.

No, she's just always eaten a lot of sugar, this is one example, but she overeats with everything and chocolate has always been a big one. She's always hid chocolate or biscuits and stuff.

The injectables cost c 200 a month and require online consultations, don't they? Doesn't sound like ma is motivated enough.

This is really hard but ultimately she’s an adult and it’s her choice to live like this. It’s perfectly okay - although emotionally difficult obviously- for you to say you won’t care for her if she needs care because of her health. (Been there done that with my own Mum, I’m disabled myself too). It’s worth remembering though that although being overweight isn’t great for anyone’s health it isn’t an automatic death sentence. I think health is a bit of a lottery really. But I appreciate its hard seeing someone you care for doing this to themselves.

Also, she's also always in huge denial about everything and this is a big thing with her eating. So she'll say 'it's only a little tub of ice cream' when she's eaten the whole 2L tub to herself as 'an extra'

What would you say her height and weight are currently?

But you shouldnt be challenging her, its her business isnt it?

Her health is bad, she has excess fluid on her legs and our family have a history of heart disease. She won't see a dr, but her physical symptoms are that her heart is in decline.

I don't know how to not take on the care, if you knew what I've done for my grandmother to get her through this, it's been a lot including hand feeding her when the drs said there was no chance. It's not really what I can do.

That’s kind of what I mean. Don’t bring it up. Try and understand what triggers this eating and work with that. You want to deal with cause not effect because your current approach is not working.

I think you have to start thinking about how to detach and accept you will never be able to care for both her and your grandma. That way you won’t feel the need to control her actions because even if she does eat herself further into ill health, it won’t be something you will be able to manage.

Make it clear to yourself and her it sadly won’t be possible. Social services will have to step in.

Telling anyone they are eating too much is never going to go well, and saying it to your mother over xmas when she apparently has no partner, just you and her ailing mum seems a bit cruel to me. Eating may be the only comfort she gets.

I have, I've been in burnout for a few months and all the responsibilities I've taken on with being disabled too and the stress of the hospital, I have nothing left and I'm just in so much pain.

I haven't got any support right now, no. I have a therapist I do see though, but nothing else. I'm also in the situation if I ever mention I'm in pain or not doing well she dismisses me and says 'yeah well me too, so what' so I'm just overwhelmed tbh.

I've got a mate like this. It's horrible. I love her to pieces but she never, ever makes any changes. I've known her for almost 15 years, and she's got progressively heavier. She's unfortunately battled with anorexia in the past, but after she broke up with someone, she started comfort eating and it got out of hand. It's ballooned into binge eating.

I tried so much to help. I used to have an ED myself and I know they're not rational. The thing is, there's only so much you can do, and she's not going to change. You have to take care of yourself and your grandmother. Your mother has made it clear she's not going to do anything to get better, so leave her to it.

I accepted my mate isn't going to get any better until she hits rock bottom, and unfortunately I've run out of energy to deal with it because I've got my own health issues and responsibilities to be dealing with. There's only so much you can do.

Put yourself first for once.

Honestly you need to find a way to carve out a life for yourself.

How old are you?

This is good advice, but I don't know how to take it TBH. I've seen that the care is lacking, our family never step back and I've never done that and I know I'd never be forgiven if I left her in a care home and said I was concentrating on myself and my life, it would be hell for me from her.

True, but it's just gone on to excess and she's swollen everywhere, I'm just panicked by her health right now.