To be upset and angry about my mums weight

[worriedallthetime15]

I know I probably am being the unreasonable one, but i’m so angry and upset about my mum’s weight and it’s all coming out right now
For context, my mum has struggled with her weight since I was a child, she lost a huge amount a few years ago, was even one of the slimming world slimmers of the year losing about 5 stone. Before that she had also dropped a lot and got down to a really small size around 2007.

Anyway, this year has been hard for our family. We’re all very close and my grandmother had a very difficult stay in the hospital and we nearly lost her a few times. She’s finally out and she has more care needs than she did before. I am helping my mother care for her all day as it stands.
My mother is 64, she is struggling with her weight and she keeps getting fluid on her legs, they go red and swollen. She also refuses to ever see a GP.
When she was in the hospital with my grandmother we saw how awful the NHS is at the minute. Literally saw older people being dehydrated and left to die and she kept saying how she couldn’t end up in hospital. She even dropped 2 stone.
Now it’s all gone back on and more and she’s just given up. I know it’s Christmas, but she’s being a glutton. Every night she has a huge slab of brownie, loads of ice creams and double cream and chocolate sauce all over. I asked her to maybe just have a slice of the brownie once in a while.
Anyway, it all came to a head last night when I commented on her yet again overloaded desert.
What I feel is, if she ends up in hospital, I’ll not only have to care for her (I’m an only child and she’s not married) but I’ll also have to somehow care for my nan at the same time. I’m also disabled myself and as I type I’m in a lot of pain with arthritis but have to keep on to care for my grandmother. I can’t possibly do everything and care for her at the same time and take it all on, I’ll have no life of my own. I have a lot to manage with my own health conditions anyway.
She refuses to take any responsibility for herself and I think maybe I’m being selfish in just wanting to her to take ownership of her own health.

I'm in my 30's.
No partner of my own either and living at home.

Break the cycle OP, you're young and deserve a life.

She cares about her mum! You can have a life and still worry about family.

Do you mean the therapist says this? That's not great.

No no, sorry no.

The therapist has been a lifeline for me in all this. No, my mother will say it when I've had pain in the last few weeks. The other day I was crippled and hunched over and then that was her response.

I’m sorry but nothing you say or do will help her change. She is doing the best she can. She self comforts using food. She’s at the mercy of massive compulsions. Any weight she has lost is a huge triumph and has gained her a little time. I’m 54. I’ve lost and gained and lost and gained. I’m currently a size 16 which is about as good as it gets. My only chance of staying this size is having an easy life- no worries and little to do beyond looking after myself.

You might need to think about how you can deal with that. Also that is not a kind thing, to give someone 'hell' because they need to look after their own health.

Sounds like you are being bullied.

Have a look at this site OP. https://outofthefog.website

It sounds like emotional abuse. Maybe you can get some support with this, e.g. from a carers place or GP or something. You need to look after yourself.

All the posts focused on the eating, it seems this goes far beyond that tbh.

I'm sorry to hear that she said that to you.

This.

You are certainly not being unreasonable to think that your mother's swollen legs and compulsive eating need medical assessment. Could you make a doctor's appointment for her?
I hope that you can get some respite.

Why should the OP do this, the mother sounds like she has capacity?

As someone who struggles with eating it is really hard. It’s not just as easy as stopping it or not buying it in. I’ve been known to drive late at night to the supermarket if I want to eat something 😢 I absolutely loathe myself afterwards as well. I don’t know what the answer is but I feel for both of you x

I get you have concerns about your mum’s health but you’re seriously naive if you think a) going on at her will help and b) that it’s that easy to overcome disordered eating. It really isn’t. She knows that.

"I commented on her yet again overloaded desert."

Stop doing this immediately.

I know this isn't the point of your thread but your comment about the elderly being left to dehydrate resonated with me as this happened in my family and I am not sure how the nhs is getting away with it. Elderly people going in with a minor issue and ending up being dehydrated out of life.

This must be tough for you OP. How big is she roughly- if you could guess a clothes size?
I don’t have any words of wisdom as I’ve never been in a similar situation, but just wanted to let you know I feel for you as it must be such a burden and a worry!

No. Not to go into a lot of details, but I've tried before and all hell broke loose, there were huge arguments and accusations that I'm killing her and I don't think I could cope with all that right now.

There are some parallel's between your mother's behavior and yourself. Your mother harms herself with food and you harm yourself by taking on more responsibilities than you can handle. You also don't step back to look after yourself. You push through the pain and thereby cause yourself even more pain. Your mother is the same with food.

Care may be awful, but can you do better, especially if your neglect your own needs? If you don't take care of yourself there will be no one left to even visit either of them in the hospital. You only have a responsibility towards yourself, OP, in the same way that you mother has a responsibility towards herself. However, you can't make her take that responsibility. You can only take it for yourself.

It's sickening, it's why we had to be there so much because we saw people who were OK and walking being moved to die in hospice as they literally left water away from them the whole day, they had no visitors and were too dehydrated to lift a glass or ask for it.
It's like legal euthanasia what they're doing. We've seen some things there and they're not pretty.

My mum was morbidly obese since age 40 and died a few months ago from a heart attack and I still feel angry that she never made any effort to be healthy

Yeah, thanks, not to give a lot away but I've been here before with the emotional blackmail she's put me through before. If I said or did anything she didn't like she'd say I was killing her and not to cry when she's dead and everything.

The trouble is, it's almost impossible to extract myself fully. I'm disabled and I don't have any other family so I'd be all alone in the world and I've built more of a life for myself but lately it's come crashing down a bit. It's impossible to put that much distance between us.

So you should be. STFU HER weight, is HER. Business, not yours.

I'm so sorry for your loss Kate and I know exactly how you feel. It's awful for all they say they love you you just think if you do you wouldn't make us suffer like this and would do something instead.