To be upset and angry about my mums weight

[worriedallthetime15]

I know I probably am being the unreasonable one, but i’m so angry and upset about my mum’s weight and it’s all coming out right now
For context, my mum has struggled with her weight since I was a child, she lost a huge amount a few years ago, was even one of the slimming world slimmers of the year losing about 5 stone. Before that she had also dropped a lot and got down to a really small size around 2007.

Anyway, this year has been hard for our family. We’re all very close and my grandmother had a very difficult stay in the hospital and we nearly lost her a few times. She’s finally out and she has more care needs than she did before. I am helping my mother care for her all day as it stands.
My mother is 64, she is struggling with her weight and she keeps getting fluid on her legs, they go red and swollen. She also refuses to ever see a GP.
When she was in the hospital with my grandmother we saw how awful the NHS is at the minute. Literally saw older people being dehydrated and left to die and she kept saying how she couldn’t end up in hospital. She even dropped 2 stone.
Now it’s all gone back on and more and she’s just given up. I know it’s Christmas, but she’s being a glutton. Every night she has a huge slab of brownie, loads of ice creams and double cream and chocolate sauce all over. I asked her to maybe just have a slice of the brownie once in a while.
Anyway, it all came to a head last night when I commented on her yet again overloaded desert.
What I feel is, if she ends up in hospital, I’ll not only have to care for her (I’m an only child and she’s not married) but I’ll also have to somehow care for my nan at the same time. I’m also disabled myself and as I type I’m in a lot of pain with arthritis but have to keep on to care for my grandmother. I can’t possibly do everything and care for her at the same time and take it all on, I’ll have no life of my own. I have a lot to manage with my own health conditions anyway.
She refuses to take any responsibility for herself and I think maybe I’m being selfish in just wanting to her to take ownership of her own health.

I don't think she'll see it that way, it'll be that I'm selfish and abandoning them when they need help.

It's hard to break from that mentality that if I don't do it I don't care.

I've had a discussion this morning with her about the care, she says they don't do anything and so wants to cancel them. I've told her to ask for them to help with maybe cleaning and she said they won't as there are too many of us for them to do it.
She also said she doesn't like them in the house.

I mentioned the carers assessment for her and she doesn't want to know.

I said I would like an assessment as I'm struggling and again she said she doesn't want them in the house.

I honestly don't know what to do.

The carers only help her to wash, which she can do on her own. The issues I have and what is maybe falling to me is when she needs a wee and stuff, I have to make sure she walks safely. But again, the carers come at random times, she'd usually already gone to the loo.

@worriedallthetime15

Sorry to read your post.
I have a parent that is similar

Over the years I've really tried and even got them to slimming world where they lost 7 stone and it was amazing but it gradually went back in and more.

The issue with my parent is the other parent also lives with them but isn't obese but has absolutely no idea about portion control or nutrition

I've spent years trying to get them both to understand and it does affect me a fair bit as obese parents mobility is not great and they can't always feel their feet etc

I had to scream at them to get them to go to the drs and had to take them in the car as they had such bad infections and swelling in both feet and legs the gp wanted them to go to hospital for iv antibiotics but they wouldn't so had it at home but just dug their heels in constantly and the other parent just checks out when I'm there and leaves me to it which really pisses me off.

I've noticed the last couple of months that obese parent is getting really badly out of breath all the time and can't put their own shoes on now either and balance is even worse.

I actually yelled at not obese parent the other day and said I'm bloody sick of them not looking after themselves and how selfish they are to let it get to this stage
Apparently non obese parent is making a gp appointment for obese parent but wel see how that goes.
The minute the gp asks them to get on the scales or try's to discuss their weight they shut down and refuse any suggestions it's so frustrating.

I've mentioned injectables but obese parent still follows the mantra that they don't eat a lot however they are deluded.

They also drink daily and I'm pretty convinced they're diabetic although they try to convince me the last lot of tests said they were t however they were quite a long time ago now.

Even the foot lady that comes has told them they need to see the gp about not feeling their feet properly.

The scary thing is they still drive which petrifies me.
But what else can you do

My sibling is useless so it's literally all left to me

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It sounds awful. I agree with the PP who said that the problem is you have 3 generations of enmeshed and codependent women.

Nothing will change unless you change it. I know it's hard but you really need to think about moving out. Break the cycle.

I understand you yourself need help from time to time, but you might be surprised that with less stress your physical problems improve.

You will then be free to have your own life, own friends, own hobbies. Your life will transform if you allow it.

I wish you all the best OP.

Just bloody stop going on at your mum about her weight and her eating she knows how much she weighs and what she is doing and for what ever reason she doesn't care! So butt out!
How about starting to live on your own and stand on your own two feet? Rather than continuing this life where you are all enmeshed in each other!

If OP is expected to deal with the consequences then it is her business.

Qualified nurse are you? Sats all over the place? Sleep due to dehydration - you're aware of their medical history and current presenting issue are you?

She's literally asking me to help her all the time, she tells me I'll have to care for her when things happen. It's only me left, nobody else will look after her and she will refuse carers or a care home.
If she was independent I'd leave her to it, but it's on me too.

I do stand on my own two feet, I'm financially independent (she never has been and always relied on her mother) and have my own life, but it's not as if I can wash my hands of all this when she's telling me I need to step up.

I am, but that's a story for another day. If you'd have seen it, you would know, likewise the other poster clearly agrees and has seen the same thing too.

I agree with @candlerhyme . If you are in your own place, does not need to be far away, your own symptoms may improve.

It’s not for your mum or nan to refuse you a carer’s assessment. What are they afraid of? That you will be told to do less?

Hopefully, you can get back to work soon, and out of this co-dependent cycle .Ideally, out of the house a few days a week if that’s possible. It sounds like some company away from home would be helpful.

How old are you and why are you still living at home?

YANBU OP especially after all the success she's had in the past with weight loss but I still wouldn't say anything to her - I'd leave her figure it out for herself

I'm firmly in the camp of people doing things only because they want to do them - not because someone else tells them to

You do need to move out OP, what actions have to taken to do that?

She can say it will be left to you, but you don't have to, do you, but you know you will because you are just repeating the cycle. She is independent enough to buy to food, prepare it and eat it!

Overweight people know they are overweight. We know it is bad for us and that it could kill is and yet we are still overweight. We know to eat less and move more. We know all these things. Obesity is an illness. The fact we know all these things and yet still overweight eat shows you that it is actually a lot more complex than eat less and move more. You mum needs compassion not condemnation.

You can't control what your mother eats, but you are under no obligation to be her carer.

I am your DM in this situation.
My DD has left yesterday after a longish Xmas visit and I can see that she is worried about my weight. I would need to loose 3 stone to be a healthy BMI.
My DD had an honest talk with me yesterday about her fears over my weight and health, which Ive been thinking about all night.
If she would have commented on what I was eating as I ate it I know I would have been defensive and upset.

Sadly @worriedallthetime15 the only person you can save is yourself. You need to move out or when your DM inevitably needs care you'll be the one doing it, even though you're disabled. If your DM was kind or accepted medical help it could be different but she verbally abuses you if you even mention Drs. Find your own home Op and your own life

You see, the thing is, I've done what your daughter has done, many many times. It's all been met with blow up arguments. I've tried other things like your daughter and not remarking on her food, I've held my tongue over and over.

It was just the last straw of the 5th day in a row with a huge slab and ice cream that she'd piled up as a side dish to her dessert.

I've tried being patient and compassionate, I've tried everything. Truly. I've gone the way your DD went to try everything.

Maybe you could say to your mum that your own health conditions have been playing up recently, that you still have to work from home too (presumably mum doesn't) and that you need help with caring for your Nan because you are feeling like it's all too much for you at the moment.

That she should be able to look after Nan as she doesn't work and that if she can't do it all then the carers will have to do more.

Phone the council in private and tell them the situation. That your health condition means you can't do it all after the carers leave, and not to listen to your mum when she says "we will manage" because she means you and you can't.

I wouldn't focus on your mums weight any more as that's her problem not yours and age is aware of it now, but if she says she can't do things I would remind her that she will be able to once she loses weight. But in the meantime the carers will have to be involved until such time as your own health improves.

Then look fur a flat if your own. Find out what benefits you'd be entitled to if alone in a nearby flat. You are not losing your family just living and working nearby. You can't live there forever. You deserve to be happy and not tied down by others self inflicted health issues.

I bought it up this morning and a huge argument is now raging. They can't tell me why we're having an argument or why what I've said is so wrong.

I just said we need support and help and to ask the carers and for an assessment. My mum is shouting I want people in the house spreading COVID. My nan is crying saying she should never have come out of hospital and she's too much of a burden and they're both telling me I'm living in a dreamworld if I think the carers will help with cleaning.

There's no reason why it all erupts into this, it just always does and it makes no sense because I've said nothing wrong and yet I'm being treated like I've said something offensive.

See my latest post, all hell has broken loose because I've suggested extra care.

The carer turned up and was sent away this morning and that's it.

An argument is raging as I said I was in pain and we needed some help and could get a care assessment.

None really, I find it all overwhelming and I know that it'll cause huge arguments in the household, blowout arguments and attacks.

OP, you need to get out of this, it’s too toxic for words. Could you at least research what you would be entitled to if you moved out? Make an appointment at citizens advice maybe? Ask your therapist to help you become less emmeshed.

So DON’T TELL THEM until it’s sorted. And then block and mute the abuse until it settles down.

You don’t have to live like this, you really don’t.