To be upset and angry about my mums weight

[worriedallthetime15]

I know I probably am being the unreasonable one, but i’m so angry and upset about my mum’s weight and it’s all coming out right now
For context, my mum has struggled with her weight since I was a child, she lost a huge amount a few years ago, was even one of the slimming world slimmers of the year losing about 5 stone. Before that she had also dropped a lot and got down to a really small size around 2007.

Anyway, this year has been hard for our family. We’re all very close and my grandmother had a very difficult stay in the hospital and we nearly lost her a few times. She’s finally out and she has more care needs than she did before. I am helping my mother care for her all day as it stands.
My mother is 64, she is struggling with her weight and she keeps getting fluid on her legs, they go red and swollen. She also refuses to ever see a GP.
When she was in the hospital with my grandmother we saw how awful the NHS is at the minute. Literally saw older people being dehydrated and left to die and she kept saying how she couldn’t end up in hospital. She even dropped 2 stone.
Now it’s all gone back on and more and she’s just given up. I know it’s Christmas, but she’s being a glutton. Every night she has a huge slab of brownie, loads of ice creams and double cream and chocolate sauce all over. I asked her to maybe just have a slice of the brownie once in a while.
Anyway, it all came to a head last night when I commented on her yet again overloaded desert.
What I feel is, if she ends up in hospital, I’ll not only have to care for her (I’m an only child and she’s not married) but I’ll also have to somehow care for my nan at the same time. I’m also disabled myself and as I type I’m in a lot of pain with arthritis but have to keep on to care for my grandmother. I can’t possibly do everything and care for her at the same time and take it all on, I’ll have no life of my own. I have a lot to manage with my own health conditions anyway.
She refuses to take any responsibility for herself and I think maybe I’m being selfish in just wanting to her to take ownership of her own health.

It's kind of my business when her health issues will fall to me to deal with.

I think she's creeping into a size 24 or so, I got her size 20 pjs and she's said they need to go back as they'll tear when she sits.

It's her stomach as well, it's so swollen and looks like fluid on it. She also wasn't able to walk a few weeks ago with swelling and fluid on her feet.

Yes she had many a health scare before this and was warned repeatedly but just gave up...my kids are heart broken

I'm sorry for you. This sounds really stressful. Sadly I don't think commenting will have any impact. You're not responsible for her health, as difficult as this is. What can you do to help with your pain and stress?

It's so hard to see someone do this to themselves and see what's coming, you're kind of always preparing for this and angry and trying to help avoid it.
It must be hard for you and your kids, a lot to process for you, also you having them you know you wouldn't want to do anything that would make them suffer like you, so it's hard to understand why she did (also my mum too)

Sounds like you all need a needs assessment, with social services.

I know, it's really hard, I know I'm not responsible, the thing is I say this and say it to myself but then I know when something happens it'll kill me, either the care of her or the fact she's gone and it was preventable. It's hard to just sit back and make peace with her killing herself.

For me, I don't know. A new life TBH. I need rest every day ordinarily and I'm taking on more day to day chores and caring responsibilities. To feel better I'd need a total break away and just rest for days on end.
I am booking a massage for next week, but then that might not even relax me, my mother has been saying I might bring COVID back (I'll be masking) and then if I so much as sneeze it'll be that I've caught COVID. I don't know, I'm just tired.

Sounds like heart failure or something, worrying

This is a horrible situation. But comments about what is eating are going to make it worse. Can you encourage her to get some help?

My grandmother has been assigned carers as a reablement, but didn't like them and most things she can do with our help, so they were coming once a day to wash her but I think she's going to ask them to stop, so not sure what can be assessed.

they're very much 'put the best face on' and even things like cleaning, they're like, don't ask them, we'll do it. It's not extreme needs, and it looks like I'm able to do things, I'm just in a lot of pain.

That's what I think, she's had huge swelling on her feet and legs and will not see a dr. She prefers to live in denial and says it's just fat. Her ankles were folded over her shoes they were so swollen. She refuses to do anything, when I've brought that up very gently to say I was worried she literally started screaming at me for attacking her and ruining her day and why did I want to do that. She then said the problem was me and I was warped and it was me who was sick in the head seeing things that aren't there. She was shouting so much it was just insane and then she said that the aggravation was making her ill, I was making her ill, not that.

You see my problem...

I've tried. Over and over and over and over and over again. She won't get help, she won't see a dr, she hasn't in over 10 years. She's had high BP since 1998 and doesn't even go to get it checked. She refuses any help.

Do you mean palliated patients? Dying people stop eating and drinking, it is part of the dying process. Nobody is dehydrated to death.

This is common, in the Elderly parents section, maybe if you post in there in future it could be helpful as they are supportive and understanding of this situation.

You are going to have to detach I think, it sounds very difficult. Do you have anyone else in RL to speak to?

Can you give some context about how overweight she is - what is her bmi? Eating ice cream and brownies every day over the holidays seems normal to me.

No, they're not on palliative care or there yet but they are left to dehydrate regularly, their stats go all over the place, they sleep all day due to dehydration and they end up on the palliative pathway. I've seen it with my own eyes.

She's morbidly obese by her BMI, she's a size 22-24 in clothing.

Of course treats are normal, its' the amount of it piled up and it's on top of all the other things and the fact she's got fluid on her legs and feet and stomach.

I just don't know how to or see a pathway to doing it. I don't have other family, so I'd be on my own.

I’m so sorry, you are getting an undeserved hard time on here because it’s considered out of order to be concerned about someone’s weight but it’s very similar in my opinion to watching someone damage themselves through drinking or smoking. I guess it’s still not a particularly helpful thing to do to comment on that but I think people would be more sympathetic to you if your mum’s health was being affected to this extent by one of those things.

I don’t know what the answer is but I just wanted to offer support

YANBU.

To be honest, it hasn't been as bad as I expected.

I know weight is a tricky subject with a lot of people, add in a movement where it's meant to be celebrated now and I get it. I thought it would be worse.

But I totally agree with you, it's just like drinking or smoking yourself to death. She also has physical symptoms of her weight causing her extreme health issues. It would be like watching someone with lung cancer continue to overindulge in cigarettes.

Also, as an aside, her brother died at 45 with heart failure due to excess eating with diabetes. So it's not as if it's unfounded worry here...

A couple of things @worriedallthetime15

Firstly contact the council for a carers assessment. They may be able to provide some support for you.

Secondly, are you under rheumatology and are you receiving optimal treatment for your pain/health condition? Be the squeaky wheel.

Thirdly, make time to do something for you every day. Something like pilates may be helpful for your core and to take pressure off your joints.

If your gran is living with you, does she get attendance allowance and if not, please apply - it can be used to help with chores. Your mother may also be eligible for it.

In relation to your mother's health, for as long as she has capacity, there is nothing you can do. If she ignores her health and continues eating, that is not your fault. You have agency over yourself, not yiur mother. If she keels over, then she will get medical care and advice. I suspect she has some MH issues too.

If your mother keels over, your grandmother is your responsibility insofar as you negotiate care packages with social services. You cannot and must not do it.

I'm assuming that as your mother is 64, my age, your gran is in her 80s. Your mum must be as stressed about losing her mum as you are about losing yours.

Is your dad on the scene?

I feel for you but you have to put yourself and your needs first to help the others. Please ignore your mum's accusations.

Do you have a job? Would you like one? Something to get you out of the house.

Being morbidly obese will cause your legs and feet to be swollen and prone to cellulitis/ lymphoedema. It may not necessarily be a heart problem .
If she sees a doctor or even the practice nurse they will be able to assess to see if she can have compression stockings or wraps.

Encourage her to get her legs up when she is sitting or resting and encourage her to walk as it will help the leg swelling.

Thanks for clarifying that does sound concerning and must be very difficult for you. All I can say is that you are not responsible and there’s not much you can do if she doesn’t want to help herself. I hope you find some respite.