To be upset and angry about my mums weight

[worriedallthetime15]

I know I probably am being the unreasonable one, but i’m so angry and upset about my mum’s weight and it’s all coming out right now
For context, my mum has struggled with her weight since I was a child, she lost a huge amount a few years ago, was even one of the slimming world slimmers of the year losing about 5 stone. Before that she had also dropped a lot and got down to a really small size around 2007.

Anyway, this year has been hard for our family. We’re all very close and my grandmother had a very difficult stay in the hospital and we nearly lost her a few times. She’s finally out and she has more care needs than she did before. I am helping my mother care for her all day as it stands.
My mother is 64, she is struggling with her weight and she keeps getting fluid on her legs, they go red and swollen. She also refuses to ever see a GP.
When she was in the hospital with my grandmother we saw how awful the NHS is at the minute. Literally saw older people being dehydrated and left to die and she kept saying how she couldn’t end up in hospital. She even dropped 2 stone.
Now it’s all gone back on and more and she’s just given up. I know it’s Christmas, but she’s being a glutton. Every night she has a huge slab of brownie, loads of ice creams and double cream and chocolate sauce all over. I asked her to maybe just have a slice of the brownie once in a while.
Anyway, it all came to a head last night when I commented on her yet again overloaded desert.
What I feel is, if she ends up in hospital, I’ll not only have to care for her (I’m an only child and she’s not married) but I’ll also have to somehow care for my nan at the same time. I’m also disabled myself and as I type I’m in a lot of pain with arthritis but have to keep on to care for my grandmother. I can’t possibly do everything and care for her at the same time and take it all on, I’ll have no life of my own. I have a lot to manage with my own health conditions anyway.
She refuses to take any responsibility for herself and I think maybe I’m being selfish in just wanting to her to take ownership of her own health.

There is a reason support groups for the families of addicts use things like the 3 c message

“I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it”

You are not responsible for your nan’s deteriorating health nor the fact she is refusing carers

You are not responsible for your mother’s food and health choices, nothing you do or say will control or fix what she is doing, only she can do that.

The only thing you have the power to control and change is your role in the situation. Whatever choices you make your mum and your nan will probably be unhappy because they are trying to assert control when their lives feel unstable.

If you stay and help you will be yelled at and burn out whilst trashing your own health.
If you step back, you will be yelled at but you may avoid burn out and losing your health.

Your Mum and your Nan are centring their own needs and wants (perhaps because they are frightened). You need to follow their example and put yourself first.

Sometimes you have to very slowly save your own life.

I am a full-time (24/7) carer with no help also. The only time I get to go outdoors is to put out the bin and bring it back.
If someone told me I might one day have double this workload, I would feel just as you are now.

I think you will very slowly have to start thinking of ways to save your own life. You won't be able to manage the care of your mum. If you are disabled you won't be able to lift her and carry her. She is making her own choices. You are trying to get her to change the fate she is creating for herself. But she doesn't want to and nothing you say will make her want it.
You can't persuade an addict to stop by telling them how much pain they are causing or will cause. Only when they hit rock bottom will they think about changing.
A lot of people in mid to later life lose the weight after a health scare. It might take that for her. Or she may not be able to beat it and will face what happens.

But your life is as important as your mum's and your nan's.
The thing you are worried about isn't happening now and if/ when it happens it is hard to predict what it will look like. So don't spend the easier days pre-living the bad ones. If it happens it may be the turning point your mother needs.

See what tiny things you can do each day to build up your own happiness and strength. You deserve any happy moments you can find. You can't change your whole life all at once, but little things actually go a huge way to feeling like the day was ok or even fun.
What do you love, or what did you used to love when you had more time?
Craft or art or anime or pen pals or journalling or chatting online in a fan group, anything at all that can help you regain your own sense of self.
It's easier as a carer to resist doing the little things because they don't change the big terrible picture. But they do change it really. The 5 minutes of niceness makes me able to do the 24 hours. There's a lot to be said for escapism!

I don't want to sound patronising, but just say you are not alone. And you are not responsible for an addict's choices, just for your own.
I hope you find something lovely to do today that puts a spring in your step and that all the messages of care help you feel able to put down the burdens and feel more free.

She buys it herself online. Honestly I've found huge boxes of chocolate covered oreos.

Yeah, you've actually voiced exactly how I feel. I think she's done this since I was maybe 11, made herself so she's always dependant on me in everyway so it's hard for me to extract myself and her health is one of those things.

She's just this minute said to me she was surprised I was there to help my nan as I'm selfish always have said I won't care for her if anything happens.

She's arguing saying carers won't clean and she doesn't want anyone in the house.

She's also just said, when I voiced she could get an assessment that will help her and allow her to get out of the house that she doesn't want to leave the house. She said COVID is out there so she doesn't want to step foot outside. I said this is not the life I want.

It's desperate. The arguments about it, it's endless. If I so much as ever stand up it's just relentlessness and an attack on me as a person.

Oh and she's just said that as I can't care for her if anything happens, she just hope she flat out dies.

See, this is just poison.

Well say, oh well if you die, you won't have to worry about Covid!
Play at her own game.

I agree.
If you can manage to do it try to say in an unemotional way- yes if you carry on as you're going you will make yourself so ill that you will die.
And then stop engaging.

How sad that your own Mother is emotionally blackmailing you.
💐

OP, tell your mother (in a calm and unemotional voice) that she is perfectly free to choose not to have people in the house. And then tell her that if that's the choice she wants to make she will have to deal with the consequences of that choice.

Oh, that old chestnut. I know it's terrifying to hear, but my mum said that kind of thing quite often and she died at 78 which given her myriad health problems was pretty good going

Thank you, this is actually more help than you know. I'm going to put those rules into practice. I think I really need a big step away from them for a while. I don't know how I'll do it, I don't know how successful it'll be but I need something to change because they're tearing me down with them.

In the meantime when you are at home have a look at this for some tips to deal with them

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1

and how it can feel etc

https://outofthefog.website/what-it-feels-like/

Just another thought, there could be live in jobs / house sitting if you look online which might give you a break for a few weeks (health permitting of course) maybe something like looking `after a small animal - or some councils have a 'crisis house' for people to go to with health problems (usually mental health but probably you have depression from it or cPTSD anyway) might be worth a look.

I know this is not the point of your thread, but just to clarify.
I have been a home carer for 29 years and, yes, we absolutely do clean!

I'm sorry for your situation. Mine is different, but similar in that I had a toxic and manipulative mother.
It took me until I was in my 40s, but I am finally non-contact with her.
It's definitely not an easy process. It takes time to disentangle, and reach the stage where you know there's no going back. And yes, it's sad.

But, I'm 4 years in now and, ultimately, I'm at peace with my decision, and I have my sanity and emotional strength back.
I also have no other family (whom I am in contact with).

I wish you well.

Just wanted to say how unbelievably hard your life is. As the previous poster said, the 3 cs. When I was trying to leave my abusive alcoholic husband, he said while drunk, that he would rather I died than anyone else know how awful he’d made our lives.
I left with the children, two suitcases and a month’s rent saved up.
They might throw the most awful tantrum should you get a little council flat, but they’ll probably get over it and you can still help out but go back to peace and quiet afterwards. One step at a time, contact the helplines first and see what you need next. That whole Covid fear is just a way to control you, it’s not real. 🌻🌻🌻

It's honestly like hitting my head against the wall.

I was putting it forward that the carers could help clean. My nan said they won't do that as she already has people who can do it, I told her we were tired though and it just goes in a circle that we need to put up and do these things instead.

We may as well cancel the carers as they won't ask them to do anything for them.

That's actually a really good and helpful suggestion. I'm going to look into that, it'll be a good in-between situation, not there but not moved out and will give them time without me and it's nothing they can object to in the same way that it would be moving out.
That's a brilliant idea and I love animals, so would love to look after a dog or cat as well.

Thanks, it's kind of what I'm used to in all honesty.

OP, my mum sounds like your mum but ten years down the line. Her health is so bad now that she hasn't left the house in over a year and can only do so by ambulance. She's grossly overweight (size 32), her legs are constantly getting infected and she can't walk far at all.

The refusing to take responsibility thing is the killer for me. It's never her fault and she just ignores advice from professionals and family. Everybody has put so much energy in to helping her and it's all just been a waste of time. She's resigned to sitting in her chair and letting everybody do things for her.

I've had to take a step back from it all as it's just too much (I still deal with her finances and day to day organisation of her life but I'm not longer actively trying to help with improving her health or situation as it is met with denial or refusal).

Don't feel bad if you have to put yourself first. It doesn't sound like she is at all empathetic with your situation x

I know someone who does something called Homestay I think it is I will try and find it for you

https://www.homestay.com

also https://www.trustedhousesitters.com

It would also make them manage without you, could be a good way of having that happen perhaps.

OP can I strongly encourage you to go over and start posting on the Stately Homes thread? It's a very long running support thread for people like you in toxic, abusive, enmeshed family relationships. Some people are no contact, some low contacts and others on on that journey to working out to cope and deal with these relationships. Very supportive and non judgemental.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5233578-december-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?page=13&reply=140903954

Also, re your therapist have you been very open and honest about all of this and are they helping you to find a way out? If not I suggest you try finding a new therapist who has more experience with enmeshed, generational abuse like yours.

Can you find some more help with managing your pain? That must be a huge barrier to you being able to take any positive action in moving out and on with your own life.

You asked "how do I move out". You make a plan. Start by prioritising finding the outside support you need to be strong enough both physically & mentally. Write down all the things you will need to do in small chunks or in categories. Start with small tasks. Decide what comes first. Who do you need to contact? Set goals to make those phonecalls or emails. Slowly, you can sort out finances/housing (renting or buying?) important belongings, practicalities of moving 'stuff' , (and what to leave behind of it all gets too nasty), getting utilities set up etc. It will feel overwhelming but you can do this all in secret without your mum or nan knowing. I know someone who left an abusive husband one kitchen item and duvet at a time, all her paperwork and belongings smuggled out over the months to work or friends to store. The day she left she took just a suitcase and got a taxi to her new flat. A plan will empower you and help you see light at the end of the tunnel.

Also you referred in a very early post to coming from a culture/family that "don't dump family in care homes". You really need to change that thought process. Firstly, it' quite offensive for those of us for whom care homes were the right option for elderly sick relatives. My siblings and I were not prepared to sacrifice ourselves for her and you don't have to for your mum or ourselves either - we wouldn't have had her live with us even if she'd been the best mother ever (and she wasn't) . None of us feel guilty about that . My mum thrived in her care home getting proper nutrition, hydration and medical care and I know lived a longer & happier life at the end than when she was on her own flat. I know you say gran and mum won't go into one, but that's what my mother said until the time came she couldn't live independently any more (even with carers, which she also rejected at first) and also it was a bit different as she had dementia by then she still knew what was going on and (reluctantly) accepted it. Your Gran & mum are using this threat of "dying at home alone" to manipulate you into staying. With you not there they will have to face up to carers/care home.

I really hope this thread has help a bit today and that you move over to Stately Homes to get some ongoing advice and support from people who rally know what you are going through.

I don't get why people are having a go at OP and telling her to mind her own business...it's very much her business if she'll be expected to take on her mother's care as well as her grandmother's! I don't blame you for feeling so frustrated with her. And you mentioned you are in pain from your arthritis, which given your young age I am assuming is an inflammatory arthritis. Stress can definitely make your joints active! You need to look after yourself too! It could be your treatment needs reviewing.

Thank you for understanding. That's my feeling, I will be expected to take it all on, so if she's eating herself into ill health, it'll all be my business. I have no interest if any random person wants to binge eat and gain weight, sure go for it if you want to. But with all responsibility of them both being turned over to me, that's what I'm worried about.

Yes, it is inflammatory, and yes again, stress makes the pain flare up a lot, so the stress I've been through has made my joints so I can barely move. Pain medication isn't managing it at all, so I'm going to book with the Dr to see a pain clinic dr soon.

Thank you for understanding.

Sorry to offend. We've seen mixed things from care homes and some not so great things (a friend of ours worked in the care homes local and she had horror stories, she doesn't speak well of them).

It was also being told to put her in one and ignore the calls complaining, and that kind of felt like dumping her in one and just getting on with things.

Everyone has a different experience in life, different relationships and we're a product of our environment too. It just doesn't feel like something I could do like that, to put someone in a home and then ignore it all including complaints. Apologies for any offence I caused you, you did what was best for you all, all around and it worked well for you all. That's great.