To be upset and angry about my mums weight

[worriedallthetime15]

I know I probably am being the unreasonable one, but i’m so angry and upset about my mum’s weight and it’s all coming out right now
For context, my mum has struggled with her weight since I was a child, she lost a huge amount a few years ago, was even one of the slimming world slimmers of the year losing about 5 stone. Before that she had also dropped a lot and got down to a really small size around 2007.

Anyway, this year has been hard for our family. We’re all very close and my grandmother had a very difficult stay in the hospital and we nearly lost her a few times. She’s finally out and she has more care needs than she did before. I am helping my mother care for her all day as it stands.
My mother is 64, she is struggling with her weight and she keeps getting fluid on her legs, they go red and swollen. She also refuses to ever see a GP.
When she was in the hospital with my grandmother we saw how awful the NHS is at the minute. Literally saw older people being dehydrated and left to die and she kept saying how she couldn’t end up in hospital. She even dropped 2 stone.
Now it’s all gone back on and more and she’s just given up. I know it’s Christmas, but she’s being a glutton. Every night she has a huge slab of brownie, loads of ice creams and double cream and chocolate sauce all over. I asked her to maybe just have a slice of the brownie once in a while.
Anyway, it all came to a head last night when I commented on her yet again overloaded desert.
What I feel is, if she ends up in hospital, I’ll not only have to care for her (I’m an only child and she’s not married) but I’ll also have to somehow care for my nan at the same time. I’m also disabled myself and as I type I’m in a lot of pain with arthritis but have to keep on to care for my grandmother. I can’t possibly do everything and care for her at the same time and take it all on, I’ll have no life of my own. I have a lot to manage with my own health conditions anyway.
She refuses to take any responsibility for herself and I think maybe I’m being selfish in just wanting to her to take ownership of her own health.

That's the thing, she won't even see a doctor or nurse or anyone, she hasn't been in over 10 years and refuses as she would rather live in denial (her words)

My father isn't on the scene, no. I work from home and I'm on a bit of leave due to the situations that have been happening and how they affected my health.

My grandmother has carers, but once a day as she said she didn't need their help the rest of the day and is probably not going to have them from next week as she's washing herself now.
I don't think I'd be eligible for carers, living with others and I'm not sure what they would even do for me. It's just that I'm in a lot of pain and exhausted, but otherwise I do things.

Nan does get DLA.

I'm sure she is stressed about possibly losing her as well, I know I am and about my mum, the thing is, this isn't new. She's just doing the same behaviours she does all the time. I'm just lost as I can't care for both of them and myself but there's no way they'll accept being in a care home should something happen and I know it would be hell for me to even suggest it. I also don't really want that for them, but I'm not well now, I couldn't take on any more, or maybe have to be at the hospital with one and caring at home with the other.

I just feel lost and like she's not helping me out here.

That is her choice to make - she may well be making it out of fear of facing the truth medically but it is her choice to make.

Could you move out and have your own place to live, far enough away so that you do nit face this pressure every day? It would also mean your mum and gran had to be assessed and there would be intervention.

@worriedallthetime15 anyone can have a carer's assessment and they can suggest therapeutic interventions and support groups. It isn't about money.

I wish you well you poor love.

I didn't know this, so I could have one and they could suggest things I might need to help me in a lot of ways. I thought it was only for people coming in and doing things for you.

Thank you, that's kind of you.

If I was to move far away, I'd have no support group for if I'm in a bad way, nobody to help me or do anything for me if I was stuck.

Also, I feel like I need to be here to help them, I don't think they'd cope on their own. I don't know, I don't see it working for them without me.

Did your Nan have a care package on leaving hospital?
I’m afraid that you need to let social services know your situation and that you will not be able to continue this level of care for her.
Your Nan should be entitled to Attendance Allowance (it’s not means tested) which could go towards paid help. Also contact Age UK (Age Concern) for advice.

You do not have to be a carer if you don’t want to op. Don’t be a martyr - your mum has choices about her life and health, and you have choices about whether you take on caring responsibilities. Just saying - it’s not inevitable unless you let it be.

She did, carers 4 times a day, but she and my mum cut them down to once a day for washing as they said we could manage the other things ourselves and I think tomorrow they want to say don't bother with the once a day as she can manage to wash.

It's not a lot of big things, but like she needs supervision to go to the loo, and I'm up and down all the time getting things or her medication and doing washing up and as I have disabilities, it's hard for me. Like at night she needs someone there for the commode to make sure she moves safely to it and I'm getting up or changing the bucket of it and it's all added up to mean I'm in a lot of pain.

She does get DLA.

Well it isn't going to work for you with them both needing care- that will fall on you.

A social services assessment of your gran- without you involved in her care- would put more care in place but would also note your mum's issues and possibly get the ball rolling in helping her with some of those.

She may require water tablets/ blood pressure medication which could make a difference to her weight and swelling of her kegs and so her mobility.

If you are there to help with the care, that will be what happens- it will fall to you. You don't need to move 50 miles away but somewhere that you could call in twice a week rather than be on tap 24 hours for both of them.

I think she's given up.

It's very hard OP but you have to protect yourself and perhaps disengage. You aren't going to change her, all you can change is your response. Sounds easy but if course it isn't. But just try to step away a bit. If she eats loads at a particular time make sure you aren't in the room with her. You and your mum have been through a really rough time so prioritise self care.

Yeah, I agree, I think so too. The thing is, it's not just on her, like she gives up and then what? I have the care duties of my nan and if her quitting out doesn't kill her, the care responsibilities of her as well as the fact I'm disabled too?

I'm just struggling with all that means tbh.

Firstly I would try to resist ending the one remaining care visit and in fact reinstate the other visits during the day. Tell your gran and DM that you don't want to do it. You don't have to justify this by saying you are in pain, just not wanting to be a carer is enough. It IS your choice and decision, not theirs.

With your DM, if she was assessed and given medication to lower her blood pressure it's likely a lot of the swelling would come down. She then might have more energy to look after herself. She's probably frightened of being told off for being fat, but 5 million people are on bp meds in the UK. It's not an unusual situation. Also, it might not be related to her weight at all.

Also, I would build in at least one short walk a day that you invite your DM on. That will be a big help with the swelling and weight. Start with 10 mins and build up week by week to longer. It will be a break for you both and if she won't come will at least get you away from it for a regular time.

Lastly, I think finding things to compliment her on and trying to create a positive atmosphere might work better than showing your frustration with her eating. It sounds like she's understandably a bit depressed and sad and alleviating this as much as possible for all your sakes should help.

But start with taking the help that is offered for your gran. That doesn't need to be on you or your DM at least if you can reinstate the care visits.

She is killing herself. You cannot stop her because she loves food more than she cares about you. I understand how frustrating it must be because with mental illness you just have the feeling that its not like cancer and that if you could just get them to see sense the whole thing could fixed up in no time. I am afraid though that you can't reason people out of an eating disorder. It sounds like she already has quite bad physical symptoms. But you are absolutely not obliged to spend your life caring for her when she gorges and refuses to even see a doctor.

Harsh as it sounds, you're still young. If you can possibly move out I think you should do so. It is admirable that you help take care of your grandmother but you shouldn't waste your life on this. I would not want my children or, hopefully future grandchildren to miss out on a life and the possibilities of travel, a partner and possible family etc to care for me. It may be that your grandma needs more support than you can reasonably provide and you need to start seeing what other help she can get. You need to start prioritizing yourself because certainly nobody else is.

Exactly this.

The parallels go further - the mother is in denial and the OP is catastrophising.

They're two extremes of the pendulum.

Neither response is healthy.

This statement right here is your problem, @worriedallthetime15

You don't have to take on that burden.

You can hang up on your mum if she calls you from some future care home to give you hell.

You are thoroughly enmeshed with your family and you need to bring those up with your therapist.

I think having compassion for yourself is more effective than loathing. So you drive to the supermarket at night from time to time. Even though it's not what you want, it's not the worst thing you can do.

I also struggle with food and especially with sugar. The cravings I have for the stuff are so strong. Had that problem ever since puberty. The only think that works is to gradually reduce it. So I started with cutting out the obvious like snacks, deserts and soda and then slowly looking at less obvious stuff that still contains a ton for sugar for no good reason. I still get get a snack from time to time. I do it deliberately, because I have become obsessive about it in the past and that's not sustainable either. It's a long process and I've fallen of the wagon a bunch of times. I am still trying to find the balance between enjoying life and loving my body by taking care off it, but also to enjoy the occasional treat from time to time.

It's a long process which requires a lot of patience and compassion, for yourself as well as others. Weight-loss is so gradual that no one notices it unless they haven't seen you for a while, but I think that is for the best.

Which could well become the OP's business.
So she is right to be concerned.

This sounds like three generations of women who are enmeshed and the dynamics are not healthy. Your mum is in the middle, with a daughter in her thirties still living at home and a mum who is in hospital. I would imagine food is her comfort with the stress in her life. OP only you can break this pattern. Time to spread your wings and leave home.

Yeah, that's not wrong tbh.

It goes back way before these generations as well, and my mum, she's always lived at home.

I have been working on the enmeshment, since 2019 and then C19 hit and the last few years until this health situation happened with my nan.

I just find it hard to cut free, especially at this time when I'm more needed.

Thank you, yeah, it's one thing if she was completely self sufficient (she isn't) or there were other people to step in, but it'll just be me caring for her and my nan. It'll be too much.

I know people say that, but I'm really not the type to cut and run and dump someone in a care home and not care. I dunno, I know people do it, but I don't know if I could live with myself just leaving someone there.

I think I do that as she is so entrenched with denial. Also, I've seen her, she doesn't look healthy, she couldn't walk for the swelling and her brother died young of heart disease as he ate himself to the grave with diabetes. It's not some random thing I've picked up to worry about, it's a realistic view of what's happening.

My Dad neglected himself to death. I tried gentle encouragement and I tried tough love (and any other approach you could think of) but it didn’t work. Ultimately you can’t control other people’s behaviour.