To be upset and angry about my mums weight

[worriedallthetime15]

I know I probably am being the unreasonable one, but i’m so angry and upset about my mum’s weight and it’s all coming out right now
For context, my mum has struggled with her weight since I was a child, she lost a huge amount a few years ago, was even one of the slimming world slimmers of the year losing about 5 stone. Before that she had also dropped a lot and got down to a really small size around 2007.

Anyway, this year has been hard for our family. We’re all very close and my grandmother had a very difficult stay in the hospital and we nearly lost her a few times. She’s finally out and she has more care needs than she did before. I am helping my mother care for her all day as it stands.
My mother is 64, she is struggling with her weight and she keeps getting fluid on her legs, they go red and swollen. She also refuses to ever see a GP.
When she was in the hospital with my grandmother we saw how awful the NHS is at the minute. Literally saw older people being dehydrated and left to die and she kept saying how she couldn’t end up in hospital. She even dropped 2 stone.
Now it’s all gone back on and more and she’s just given up. I know it’s Christmas, but she’s being a glutton. Every night she has a huge slab of brownie, loads of ice creams and double cream and chocolate sauce all over. I asked her to maybe just have a slice of the brownie once in a while.
Anyway, it all came to a head last night when I commented on her yet again overloaded desert.
What I feel is, if she ends up in hospital, I’ll not only have to care for her (I’m an only child and she’s not married) but I’ll also have to somehow care for my nan at the same time. I’m also disabled myself and as I type I’m in a lot of pain with arthritis but have to keep on to care for my grandmother. I can’t possibly do everything and care for her at the same time and take it all on, I’ll have no life of my own. I have a lot to manage with my own health conditions anyway.
She refuses to take any responsibility for herself and I think maybe I’m being selfish in just wanting to her to take ownership of her own health.

I'm so sorry you're also going through this with a parent, I think it's not something people understand unless they're also in it.

It's funny, my mum also has that delusion, she'll say 'it's only a small tub of ice cream' when it's just a regular sized one or that other people eat a whole tub to themselves, as if it matters what other people do when it's your own health that matters.

I'm glad to see you yelled, it's OK people on here preaching we shouldn't comment or be kind or patient when we've seen it all happen and at most times we do have to sit there and ignore it or offer support, but we come to a breaking point eventually.

If I block them I'll have no support or family and I'll be leaving when they need help the most with everything that's happened with my nan.

I have been working on that with my therapist. After this morning with them all screaming at me I was in tears so I've contacted my therapist for an appointment for help.
It's something that I sometimes don't like to confront and it's sold as nice how close we all are. But yeah, it's too much that it's like this.

I'm not sure what I'd be entitled to and the way the system is now, I'm scared to even rock the boat.

None of that has to be true.

You can still have support, from carers, from new friends you can make, from your therapist and from your family IF they stop being abusive.

You CAN still have family if they stop being abusive. Why would you want it otherwise?

They need support with your Nan. That doesn’t have to be you fulltime. They need to get proper care in place. It doesn’t stop you still going round and doing things with/for them, on your own terms and again, only IF they stop abusing you.

Gently you are as co dependent as they are and until one of you breaks the cycle this is your reality. You are asking your mum not to be dramatic, shouting and thinking the worst but from all the suggestions you have had you do exactly the same. Dismiss every suggestion. Downplay every idea.

Of course you can move out and it won't be catastrophic or mean the end of support.
Of course your nan and mum will come round to carers if you don't buy into the histrionics and take over.

You have a choice. You are choosing the safe option you know. Non of your relationships are healthy.

I don't think they can stop their behaviour. They've just been shouting at me because I explained how much pain I was in yesterday. Apparently it's just because they don't want me to be in pain... but they're shouting at me about it?

If they don't stop I'll have no family, not one family member. It just seems like it'll be a lonely existence.

If you do the same thing you get the same results. Concern yourself with your own life. Only you can make the change. Go on Spare Room and look for a house share with women of your own age. View them, and go. You don’t need tell your mum til you’ve gone. Being a martyr is a choice.

You are in an awful situation OP. For starters, book a carer’s assessment without telling your mother. You may not even have to have it at home and it is something you could discuss. I would also contact Adult Social Services for yourself and see if they have anything they could offer to help. You cannot continue like this. Are you getting PIP for your disability? You can still get it if you work. You need a lot of support for yourself if you are going to continue to support your mother and grandmother. As for your mother not letting anyone in the house, you need to put your foot down and say you are not going to do the extra care or the cleaning and you have to have help. The cleaners and carers can wear masks in the house if they are so worried about covid or she could get an air purifier/open the windows or whatever but you need to stop doing everything. As long as you are things won’t change. It is not an uncommon cycle you are trapped in. My own mother was stubborn as anything and wouldn’t accept help but at least she did have a cleaner. She died prematurely and there was nothing I could have done to prevent that, though god knows I tried. However, I didn’t live with her so could escape some of the stress. You really need to prioritise your own health and not allow your mother dictate who you have in your own home as it is your home too. Best of luck to you and I hope you can get some help in place.

Make an appointment with your GP and see what they recommend. It all sounds very unhealthy at the moment, both psychologically and health wise. You won't be able to care for your mum if you go under. It sounds like a lot of emotional manipulation is going on. You would be better off somewhere else.
Do you get PIP , could you afford a cleaner? I think your long term plan needs to be to leave home.

Trying to say this gently OP but if you don't move out then nothing will ever change. Your mum won't stop over eating. Your nan won't accept carers because you are there and she has a choice because of that. Until you are willing to make the break no one can help you. No one can give you the combination of words that make them understand and change.

You need to fit your own oxygen mask first.

You can make friends or maybe meet someone. It doesn't have to be a lonely existence. Sometimes life is better without a toxic family anyway.

Op your mum needs to help herself but you also need to help yourself and you’re not doing it. You need to move out and have a life of your own that isn’t so entrenched with your mum and nan. You need to be independent in your own house or flat. It’s ridiculous that your nan has stopped all the care visits she had when she knows you’re struggling- this is selfish behaviour. The whole set up is a massively unhealthy dynamic

I think I might book one, just keep it quiet. It's not right tbh.

I am getting PIP yes, it's why I'm worried about rocking the boat as I know things are quite difficult with benefits lately.

I've said they can wear a mask, they were when they were coming before Christmas. Now she's saying I said I didn't want them in and spreading disease. I said I wanted her out of the hospital with it, and I said the carers need to wear masks as my nan had pneumonia, but I've never said they shouldn't be here or cleaner or anything. Everything is twisted.

I think she will die prematurely. I know I'll blame myself for it all. I'm so sorry for your loss, it must be difficult to make peace with.

I know it is, it's so unhealthy and I did say to my nan that it wasn't fair and then she started crying saying she should just go back.

I've spoken on here under a different name that our family does emotional blackmail a lot. I don't ever know where to turn because saying any small thing like should we get some help or a cleaner can provoke this kind of argument and outrage. I feel lost with it as I have no other family.

It's hard to convey exactly what happens here, but say I go out now, it'll be non stop that I've bought COVID back, that I'm killing everyone. It's hard to make a move when things are like that.

I know, I know. It's just that they're not all bad, there's a lot of love there and good times and good things. It's hard to just cut away and if I do move out that's what it will be, it would be too big of an argument to have a good relationship afterwards.

"It's not intentional, I suppose I'm at my wits end and exhausted and in pain and see that she's heading for the hospital and continuing with kid gloves is doing nothing at all. She just strops anytime anything is ever mentioned or starts a huge argument until everyone is scared to mention it."
There obviously is some sort of eating problem at work here - but it is your mother's problem, not yours. If she doesn't deal with it, you can't either. You probably need to pick your moment and tell her (kindly) that you won't be able to care for her, so she needs to think about care as she grows older. She won't want to hear this, but it might trigger another attempt at losing weight.

I actually have brought it up, multiple times. She does know this but then she also does expect me to care for her if something happens as I've just been caring for my nan in hospital, I think she expects it'll happen for her however after doing all that I have nothing left and all my conditions are much worse.

She also said she cannot face being in hospital after all she's seen and what can happen but she seems to have forgotten all of that all over again.

I mean this gently I promise, but none of you seem willing to take hard actions to help yourselves. There’s a lot of learned helplessness and self enforced despair, it seems to me.

Your Nan won’t accept proper care in order to look after herself.
Your Mum won’t stop eating in order to look after herself.
You won’t entertain separation in order to look after yourself.

Does that ring true at all?

Oh yeah, this is completely true. I can see that with myself completely. As I said, I have no other family so it's daunting imagining a life with no family contact, and also the stress of having to move and getting abusive messages about how I've killed either my nan or my mum or they've wound up in the hospital because I've moved out. It's a lot to process ontop of not being so well myself, you know? But yeah, that's all 100% true.

Oh I know, I was working on it before but now seems like a bad time with everything going on.

The care visits, well she says there's nothing for them to do, she's already been to the loo by the time they'd show up as they'd come at random times and nobody knew when. My mum would be cooking for her anyway and I'd do her tablets. There didn't feel like anything left for the carers to do. But this last one going, it feels like a big thing that we're just on our own now, especially as they don't want the assessment.

I'm going to book a GP appointment for the new year, I have a lot going on and need some help and advice.
I think, this seems harsh, but she doesn't seem to care if I've gone under. It's happened before and she said I love the attention or she's not well either. I have told her before she acts like I'm expendable. I've been suicidal before but she keeps pushing.

It all sounds so toxic putting it down.

My long term plans were to move out or at least really distance myself. Things have been insane with all we went through and now I'm burnt out, so haven't got the energy to inject into myself.

I had this with my mum and also ended up caring for her when the lymphedema in her legs got so bad that she could no longer walk.

I think you might need to step back from the criticism and shaming, which will really not be helping, and work instead on firming up boundaries so that if your mum does end up requiring care you feel strong enough to say no. My mum ended up in a home that cared for her so much better than I ever could and I really regret now not having just put my foot down and set a limit to the level of care I was prepared to give.

Just to reiterate: the shaming isn't helping. I get that the compassion and support didn't help either. I remember that and I did often end up haranguing my mum about her unhealthiness. So I am not saying this to make you feel bad. I am telling you that shaming will not solve this. It will only tank your relationship. What you're really doing is venting your fear and frustration because you are taking it for granted that you'll have to pick up the pieces when her unhealthiness finally comes home to roost. You don't. Work on getting your head around that and find another way of dealing with that fear and frustration until you've released yourself from that future burden. Separate with love.

Your feelings are very understandable, but from your description she’s had a lifelong eating disorder and they are very hard to fix.

I would tell her there are new treatments - injectables like mounjaro - that really help many people get rid of the ‘food noise’ and cravings she’ll experience. And try to find a way of affording them.

Your DM doesn't want an assessment Op, not because of Covid, but because she's afraid they see how unwell she's becoming.
I know you wfh but I hope you go out for yourself sometimes, just for pleasure or does your DM object?

It's so frustrating and I'm sorry you went through that with your mum.

The thing is, she won't accept going to a care home, she'll just refuse. She's not one who will just accept I cannot do it and carry on and make the best of it. She'll tell me I'm killing her and they will kill her and she'll just make my life a misery.

I'm thinking of just cutting it all and running away but I have nowhere to go. I feel overwhelmed with it all.

Do they not need medical intervention? As I said she refuses all drs and nurses.