To be upset and angry about my mums weight

[worriedallthetime15]

I know I probably am being the unreasonable one, but i’m so angry and upset about my mum’s weight and it’s all coming out right now
For context, my mum has struggled with her weight since I was a child, she lost a huge amount a few years ago, was even one of the slimming world slimmers of the year losing about 5 stone. Before that she had also dropped a lot and got down to a really small size around 2007.

Anyway, this year has been hard for our family. We’re all very close and my grandmother had a very difficult stay in the hospital and we nearly lost her a few times. She’s finally out and she has more care needs than she did before. I am helping my mother care for her all day as it stands.
My mother is 64, she is struggling with her weight and she keeps getting fluid on her legs, they go red and swollen. She also refuses to ever see a GP.
When she was in the hospital with my grandmother we saw how awful the NHS is at the minute. Literally saw older people being dehydrated and left to die and she kept saying how she couldn’t end up in hospital. She even dropped 2 stone.
Now it’s all gone back on and more and she’s just given up. I know it’s Christmas, but she’s being a glutton. Every night she has a huge slab of brownie, loads of ice creams and double cream and chocolate sauce all over. I asked her to maybe just have a slice of the brownie once in a while.
Anyway, it all came to a head last night when I commented on her yet again overloaded desert.
What I feel is, if she ends up in hospital, I’ll not only have to care for her (I’m an only child and she’s not married) but I’ll also have to somehow care for my nan at the same time. I’m also disabled myself and as I type I’m in a lot of pain with arthritis but have to keep on to care for my grandmother. I can’t possibly do everything and care for her at the same time and take it all on, I’ll have no life of my own. I have a lot to manage with my own health conditions anyway.
She refuses to take any responsibility for herself and I think maybe I’m being selfish in just wanting to her to take ownership of her own health.

My husband has been helped with Humira, one of the biologics, maybe that would be helpful for you

OP your biggest barrier to change is the narrative running in your head. Change your thinking, change your life.

My mother railed against going in a care home. She is now in one and loves it. She has company, she's getting proper nutrition and taking the right medicines. She's healthier than she's been in years. Care homes are not 'dumping grounds' and whoever told you that is wrong. They're the right thing at the right time for many of us.

You keep telling yourself you can't live separately from your DM and DGM because then who will look after you when you need help? Can you see how limiting this belief is?

You might find it impossible to imagine now but if you did break away your whole world would change. You would be free to make friends, meet someone special. All you're doing at the moment is perpetuating the cycle, which is completely understandable when you've been psychologically abused for so long.

You write well, you're self aware - you have so much to offer. You just need to take small steps and you will get there.

Thank you so much, that's kind of you to say.

I do think my mind and what I've always been told is holding me back and also how big arguments come from small things, just knowing how big the arguments will be to move out and how I'll be accused of leaving her alone with my GM and how I'm selfish. I think it's sometimes overwhelming to think about cutting off in that way.

@worriedallthetime15 that's understandable. You've been fed this narrative. It's ingrained. But very unhealthy. No one can change others if they don't want help. You deserve happiness and peace ♥️

You want your mother to face up to what she’s doing to herself, and to take control of her weight issues, but you also would be wise to look at what you’re doing to yourself, face your fear of their judgement, and take control of your own life.

You have been taught to fear their negative reactions, but at what cost? What are you doing to yourself allowing yourself to be burdened as you have done? It’s not making you happy, is it?

Start caring about yourself.

Can we flip this a minute. Your Mum is single, Granny is ill and her 30 something daughter is ill and still lives with her? She also has a lot on her plate and she isn't coping. It seems she is in a place where she can't absorb anyone elses pain or issues as she is all maxed out and that is maybe why she is ignoring your pain. I don't mean this disrespectfully, I can see you are in a difficult place but it seems to me you are both in a similar spot but with different representations of the issues you are facing.

In the past she has successfully addressed it but it sounds to me like her food is her self medication for her mental health struggles and you constantly going on about it (no matter how well intended) will probably have the opposite effect.

You could move out and just visit when it suits you? But you say you would be isolated and lonely and wouldn't you be leaving your Mum to look after granny by herself when she isn't well?

It seems to me that you and your mum are pulling against each other, instead of working together.

Thank you, I think it'll take time and effort on my part to get that into my head.

I know this and I have tried to get us to work together and come up with a solution for everything and help.

It's been a long time since she addressed it to be honest, her weight and health have been a huge issue before any of this happened. She refuses to address it at all for the last 3/4 years.

Yeah, that's the thing isn't it, I fear the reaction but I'm still not happy anyway. I think I keep it up for the old status quo where it was OK or manageable for the most part until the next thing would blow up, but obviously tension is very high at the minute.

I think you need to take your Mums weight out of the mix at the moment, she will come to her own decision about that when she is ready too, its her coping mechanism. Your "help" in this direction will probably have the opposite effect. When she has reason to be more positive about life, it will all fall in line.

Concentrate on the things you can manage now, but also look to build your own emotional well being by finding friends and support outside your family setting. I'm a carer too and sometimes you get lost in that role and you forget you!

You are in a very difficult situation OP.
I think commenting on your mother's eating and weight is like telling an alcoholic not to drink. It will get you nowhere. Her eating is a form of addiction.
Work on detaching. Her body is her body, not yours. Try not to judge or control.
You do not, however have to tolerate her manipulation and insistence that you care for her. You have no control over what she does, but you do have control over your own responses and actions.
It used to be the case that Carers could request an assessment of their own needs from Social Services. I would check if this is still the case and ask for a Carer's Assessment if so.
Also look up co-dependents anonymous. It's similar to Al Anon for families of alcoholics and it could give you support in focusing on building your own life. Your Mum isn't going to like it, but things need to change. Some of the things she is saying to you are abusive.
It's a long term project but I would work towards independent living. Check you are getting all the benefits etc that you are entitled to and see what support you can get in your own right.
Do not discuss this with your mother at this stage, just quietly work on planning a future for yourself.
IT may feel unkind to think about detaching but the current situation isn't helping her and it's completely taking over your life.

its not. It is misuse of a clinical tool.