My husband has suddenly decided he wants a baby. I’ve said no.

[itsalldownhillfromhere]

We’re both 40 have been together 15 years. Already have a DD 14. It’s a firm no from me. AIBU

Would he go back there now?

Well I hope his more than willing to be a full time dad if necessary seeing as the last birth nearly killed his wife and the second one could maybe finish her off this time, all so he can have a second child 14 long years after the first.

The level of selfishness would have me reassessing my relationship. He is willing to RISK HIS WIFES LIFE to get himself another child when he has a perfectly lovely child already. How’s that make his existing child feel? He would risk the life of their mother for a new baby because they weren’t quite satisfied with the one they’ve already raised.

It’s fucked up.

I don’t think it’s like that at all. No one has to do something they don’t want. BUT if two people want different things and there’s no compromise (you can’t compromise on having a child, you either do or do not) then one or both are absolutely within their rights to leave (not cheat, leave).

Theu are, but I think his first commitment should be to his 14yo daughter, not seeking another baby and turning her life upside down.

can you imagine telling your child that you're splitting up because daddy wants a new baby so he needs to find a new wife? Because that's what it boils down to. Hos choice, of course, but I think he should prioritise the happiness of his existing family over splitting it up and starting a new family and blending siblings etc.

But that is easier said than done, you can’t just switch off feelings like being incomplete. We also don’t know the state of the marriage according to both the parties. Maybe parenting is the only thing that holds them together (it happens!) and with the older child being 14 maybe that’s hitting home that they won’t have that connection in the next few years. Either way both have a right to make the decisions they make and face the consequences accordingly.

I have a 14 year age gap between my two kids. Works perfectly for us.

The having a baby chat is sometimes very hard. It's a chat that me and my partner had earlier one. I have a child from a previous relationship and I made it clear I didn't want anymore children and neither did they. So it worked. But sometimes it doesn't work that way.

I have an ex of mine, who I'm civil to but not friends. They met someone brought a house got married and all of that and then wanted to start a family. Partner didn't want to - no I'm not sure whether they never had that conversation before or they did and that person lied but either way she ended the marriage. Less than 18 months in.

She is now with someone else and they are expecting a baby - she has only been with this person 18 months which I think is a little bit earlier but that's just me and I'm not always right (please don't come for me).

She knew what she wanted and she knew she wasn't getting it from marriage 1 so she left.

Agree. When it’s a woman wanting a second child, people tend to have more empathy.
Both partners have the right to decide what they want to do and whether they want to prioritise their current family as it is or find a new relationship which gives them an option of having more children, especially if they were keen to have a large family in the first place but went back on it because their partner didn’t want it.

How was your first birth?

How many men run the risk of dying to have another child?

And it is the height of selfishness to put the desire for another child against the one you've already got

@Nanny0gg but doesn't for everyone. But I'm so happy to help it works for you

I am a little surprised that he is keen to take that risk. Knew someone who was in a similar situation and he practically skipped into the vasectomy clinic after to make sure she'd be safe.

@Mince3141
I've known this also

You definitely don't have to have another child.

You might want to just have a chat with him, letting him formulate why does he feel like that, what would the implications be and so on.

I would have felt quite let done if my partner refused to even hear me out about something I strongly felt about.

All the advice if the roles were reversed would be - and I've seen it time and again on here - to leave if you want another child and your husband doesn't.

You're well within your rights not to have a second child, and he's well within his rights to act accordingly.

I agree it’s absolutely self-centred but many people, male or female, desire more than one child and will go to great lengths to achieve this. Not saying it is right, just that it happens and people will often make their choice based on what they want, not what is best for others or the moral thing to do.

People leave marriages to have more children because either their partner can’t or doesn’t want to. It’s devastating but, like a precious poster said, it isn’t something you can compromise on. One person gets what they want, the other doesn’t and that can reverberate throughout the relationship going forwards.

The advice wouldn't be to leave at 40.
At 30 maybe. But not at 40. Certainly not with the dating pool as it is today!

Also, people forget mens sperm quality also decreases with age. Just because he could have a child down the line with someone else, doesn't mean he should.

Leaving a relationship to have a child with another partner is always going to be risky. Might not happen on any level. For some people, however, male or female, they might feel the risk is worth it as it offers them the possibility of having a child while staying where they are offers no chance. Not saying this is relevant to the original post but if you desperately want something and you’re not going to get it from your primary relationship then you have two choices. Stay or go.

I think the last few posters missed the OP's post saying that she nearly died giving birth.

Has he forgotten that you nearly died last time? You should remind him every time he brings it up.

I had a terrible birth, nearly died along with my child. My DH spent the night crying in the hospital car park! Months later I suggested trying for another child, my DH said he couldn't face going through that again.
We didn't have another...sometimes you just have to consider they other person's fear. I hope your DH gets over it quickly!

And did you nearly die giving birth to your first child?

The thing is though, lots of women nearly die giving birth. I always think, how could a man claim to love someone if they'd actively risk her life for a non existent baby? But perhaps that's unfair as, lots of women take the risk too 🤷‍♀️

If the roles were reversed, I'd always beg my partner not to risk it. Even if the only risks were moderate injuries with no chance of lifelong, life altering damage.

I can't imagine witnessing my wife go through that and wanting to do it again! It's just so...detached.

You don't have to justify the no. Its your body and your health? You are the one who would have to carry the baby and have all the associated risks.

I think he's crazy wanting to start all again with a 14 year age gap. I had my 2 in my 40s but it wasn't for want of trying. I had so many pregnancy related complications and was considered high risk. Your at higher risk of pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes, miscarriage, still birth, placental problems and multiple pregnancies. Those are just risk to you. There are also risks the baby.

YANBU.

AND with that extra information, he is BVU to raise it again. He wants you to risk your life for him to have his youthful pipe dream of “2 kids before 40”

That was a dream, which he had before he’d even met any woman prepared to spend her life with him and not based in the reality of the effect of pregnancy on your body.