My husband has suddenly decided he wants a baby. I’ve said no.

[itsalldownhillfromhere]

We’re both 40 have been together 15 years. Already have a DD 14. It’s a firm no from me. AIBU

So he was happy with one for 14 years, and is only agitating for another one now because some of his friends are doing it? 😬
How teenage…

It's fair enough to say no, especially now when DD is growing up a bit. He might find this time difficult though, I would say try to be supportive of him as he deals with this.

Basically yes.

It might just be age. I (female so biological deadline) had a bit of a wobble around having a baby at around late 30s, early 40s (can’t remember exactly) - in my case it was facing up to the fact that what had always been at least a possibility soon wouldn’t be.

I reminded myself of all the ways my life would be massively changed by a baby / child and got over it but there were several months where I thought about it a lot! Looking back, it’s very odd.

If it’s not an enthusiastic yes from both, then it’s a no. It has to be.

I would find it incredibly disrespectful of him to ask you this after you nearly died birthing your shared DD.
He should have thought about why he felt this way and done the internal work before even thinking of bringing it to you.
Selfish man.

And you’re the one who carries all the risk after all
well said @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing the woman always has the power of veto here

A typical mid-life wobble / crisis. He will either prioritise the status quo or he will decide that his desire to have children is so strong that he will find a new partner.

There is nothing you can do but listen to his feelings and then summarise yours, kindly but clearly. Like @PyongyangKipperbang I have also seen examples of men deciding they want another child and finding a relationship that will offer them that (just as a woman might). It might seem unthinkable in a solid marriage but mid-life for men can lead to the most disruptive decisions and choices being made.

I can absolutely understand why you don't want another baby. The age gap between a newborn and your daughter is a minor issue - the biggest is the fact you nearly died giving birth to your daughter. That in itself is a big enough reason to say no. Throw in the fact you're now 40 (yes I am well aware women have babies into their 40s!) and not everyone wants to start again with sleepless nights/dirty nappies at that age. You are at a point where your daughter is independent and will be 18 in 4 years time. That gives you much more freedom to enjoy couple time. The time to discuss having another baby was when your daughter was between 2-4 years of age, not now she's 14!! The thought of having another baby, is probably quite frightening to you, considering what you went through with your daughter. The saying 'oh you soon forget' regarding the birth, is codswallop, when you've had to experience a traumatic birth, no, you don't forget, it's etched into your mind forever.

Happened to me.
He’s far worse than an “arse.”
It’s a betrayal in every way.

Keep repeating the message 'I nearly died last time and what was dreadful in my twenties would be horrific in my forties. I will not risk my life on a whim.'

I’m assuming he has a carefully though through plan to deal with your ( perfectly reasonable ) objections? Eg that you will adopt a baby , he will do all the research around finding an adoption agency , do the application and all the paperwork, take time off for the meetings and training, take all the family leave when the child is placed, go part time until the child is at school, organised all the out school childcare and almost everything to do with the child until they are an adult . So basically be a mum .

While you can be the other parent this time - take photos and post on Facebook, tell everyone “ my kids are my world “, buy a mini football strip in your team colours, take the child to your hobbies occasionally when they are 8 and turn up at school parents evening one night a year 😬

My DP and I have one DD. He categorically does not want another. I would like to have another, but I respect his right to say no, so the conversation ended there. Your DP is being a bit insensitive in expecting you to be open to persuasion about such a huge mental, physical, emotional and financial change.

I can understand why you wouldn’t want to have another child, but if you were so adamant about it, I don’t honestly understand why you haven’t taken steps to ensure that it doesn’t (tubes tied/ hysterectomy). It would have solved any risk of an accident or of him coming up with this now. What would you do, if you found out that you were unexpectedly pregnant?
I wanted another baby, and my husband didn’t. He had a vasectomy against my wishes, and truth be told, I wish I’d left him then. He later went on to gave an affair, and left me a couple of months after I was no longer able to have another baby, and I’ll never forgive him for that. It’s ok to want different things from your future.

I did think of a third in my very late thirties - I think it was probably hormones as I'd always been two and done. My husband was very anti the idea and pointed out that "I was getting on a bit" and we'd been lucky we'd had two healthy babies and the risks of something going wrong was much higher for both me and any baby after two Caesareans. I had to agree with him.

I think I'd have been horrified if when I was 40 he expected to me to have a much higher risk pregnancy after presumably stewing on it for 14 years. He knew the deal when you married. Your husband might want another baby but you'll be the one being pregnant, having your nipples chomped on, likely doing most of the chilcare, taking time off from work etc and having to put up with the general messiness. Instead of lazy brunches and fun holidays you'll be the one scrubbing baby rice out of the carpet and dealing with dirty nappies and toilet training. Any baby is unlikely to have a close relationship with their sibling.

I suppose you can talk to him about it but it would be a hard no from me in your circumstances. Is it some sort of midlife crisis for him? It does sound like he never really accepted it was one and done and sees his window closing. I'd be slamming it shut and bolting it fast.

I had my one and only child at 40 and she's the best thing that ever happened to me but I completely see why you wouldn't want to start that chapter of your life again given that you already have a teenager. Our DD was 14 weeks premature and has numerous disabilities - six years on I'm permanently exhausted even though my DH more than pulls his weight.

DH is one of five and envisaged having a big family. In contrast, I'm an only child and was happy to stick at one as it mirrored my own positive experience - contrary to your DH, I was never lonely growing up - I had plenty of friends, hobbies, and a strong bond with my parents.

Since our DD's birth, DH is the one who's adamant that we're one and done. Neither of us (mid-40s) has the energy to go through it all again!

I'm also 40 and my youngest is nearly 16;I could not imagine anything worse than another baby at my age and going back to the whole baby stage shit again.

I'm a grandmother to a 10 week old baby and even helping out with my grandchild can be tiring.

Discuss it with him and say no.

He doesn't get to decide a single thing about your body/health. At your age it would be far more tiring and difficult to be pregnant than it was 14 years ago. That's just a fact, no matter how much some women wish it was not true.

Every pregnancy carries risks for the mother of heart attack, stroke and death and other issues with your future health. Yep, every pregnancy. Yep, that's a fact. Small risks, mostly. But definitely true.

Adoption means no risk to your own body, but still changes every single thing about your life forever.

Some daft bint earlier was like "Well, he might leave you if you refuse to be his incubator" so just to address that - if that is the case you are FAR better off not having a child with him. If he's such a selfish creep he that he'll leave you for not wanting to completely disrupt your life and your body and change everything forever on his whim, he will definitely leave you anyway and you will be left with a baby in your forties and all alone.

And, all of that aside, you don't want to. So that's that.

@itsalldownhillfromhere - why the laugh react? Just curious, as everything I said was true?

I saw someone else tagging someone for a laugh react in another thread, and thought what a good idea that is. It's a shame mumsnet doesn't just show reactions, we should all be able to stand behind our words, reactions etc.

I love kids. But the idea of having a 14 year age gap out of choice rather than a happy accident seems silly. You have done all the weaning, potty training, interrupted sleep, hard yards of childcare costs, and now you get to spend some lovely time with your DD. I personally wouldn't consider it.

We had babies 9 years apart, but we weren't 40 for no. 2 and (most crucially) we both agreed to it as a great idea. 40 and a teenager is fine if you both want to. If one of you doesn't, you don't.

Id say why yes if course but only when you can carry it, feed it,l and bring it into adulthood without any intervention from me.......until then no.

Even if you both wanted another child & enthusiastically went ahead your child will in effect be an only child. She’d be at least 15 when gave birth.

So that argument that your partner hated being an only child doesn’t wash.

If he were the person to give birth, I doubt he’d so breezily bring this up at the age of 40. So ridiculous.

I recall my now exH asking me when DD was maybe 8/9 if we were definitely done, we'd always planned to have one and for me it was a hard no, I would have been approaching 40, he accepted that and it wasn’t discussed again.

Absolutely everyone who knew us would have said 100% he would never have had an affair and yet he had the classic mid life crisis, complete with affair and then mental breakdown and off he went, with someone from work.

I can't imagine having to pick myself back up with a toddler as well as DD, the extra cost of nursery fees etc. Another child struggling emotionally. I'd almost certainly still be single at this point.

I know the OP thinks it won't happen to her but you can't control someone else's behaviour, and the woman is usually left to carry the financial, caring and emotional burden, while he's off finding himself or whatever.

So YANBU, never mind the fact you nearly died last time.