My husband has suddenly decided he wants a baby. I’ve said no.

[itsalldownhillfromhere]

We’re both 40 have been together 15 years. Already have a DD 14. It’s a firm no from me. AIBU

Boris and Carrie ?

I’d be fine to hear out his feelings on this but my feelings would not change.

Every time this comes up I’m shocked by people who suggest he might leave (or say the same to women who post feeling as your DH does).It blows my mind that there are people who would even consider tearing their existing child’s family apart for the possibility they might be able to have a child with someone they’ve not met.

TBF I have some sympathy with him after 2 children aged 28 & 30 I became massively broody around 39-43 ish ( yes a close friend had a " surprise baby" at this time). DH said a very clear no I might have annoyed him, I did ask more than once eventually, I took up running. Quite glad I didn't go for it now as DCs are 18 & 20 having a primary school age child would definitely cramp our style. All I am saying is I can understand how he feels. BTW I never wanted to leave DH.

obviously you are not unreasonable. Telling him that average full time nursery fees are around £15k a year might shake some of the broodiness out of him.

"Not fussed" to me would imply to strong feelings either way. And if you're talking to someone who does have strong feelings on the matter, I feel the onus is on you to be unequivocal. "Not fussed" to my ears would sound like "well, if I'm desperate to then you wouldn't have a major objection to fulfilling this". You needed to say "hell no", made it clear all this time. I can see why he's upset.

When did she clearly say she was only ever having one?

(I didn't catch the update earlier about nearly dying first time round, all the more reason to highlight this. Does he really want to raise it alone?)

Misogynistic though? No idea where you got that from.

Haha no.....but now you mention it, yes!!

@Sassybooklover agreed with everything you said. It was the ‘daft bint’ comment made me laugh out loud.

@Annabella92 not fussed in the context of this conversation was a I don’t care if I have a kid or not. I have never been a woman who had a burning desire to have a family. I said on our first date I’d only ever have 1 if I did. And to add more context we were good friends for years before hand so it’s not like we were having random hypothetical conversations. This was then reiterated very clearly in early days of our relationship ship. And after a traumatic birth again, with the words never again.

@MissTrip82 it blows my mind when it does as well. My husband and I were even talking about this on Saturday night with friends how so many people have a default to just leave, which we personally can’t comprehend.

I wonder if he'd be quite so keen on a second child were it his life in the balance. Before I even read that you had such a horrendous experience first time round, that was my immediate thought. It's a risk to your body and health; even the slightest risk of being left with long term birth injuries would make me think twice if I were of a mind to even give the idea of a baby in my forties some thought. You've been clear from the outset that you wanted one only and that's fair enough. "I really want us to have a second baby even though you are now in your 40s and I know you nearly died last time round" doesn't sound particularly loving and considerate to me.

I think a lot of men struggle with that time when their kids become teenagers, then adults. They may feel their role as a father is changing so radically as to make them feel not needed anymore. It might be that, plus seeing those around you having babies later in life that's doing it. I'd tell him he can offer to babysit for your friends once a month and he can get his baby fix that way; you'll be out with friends. But no, YANBU.

Hell no! After a 14 year gap? Enjoy your freedom

That would probably be a no from me too. The idea of starting again at 40 would be a tough one - I'm 29 now and about to have my 4th (and final) child. When I hit 40 I'll have 3 daughters who will be 18, 14 & 13 and a son who will be 11. Sounds ideal to me😅

@Nanny0gg OP didn’t include nearly dying in her opening post, how was I meant to know.

@AngelicKaty No. Because at the point I replied there was only the two sentence opening line. Sorry- should I have waited for more before commenting lol

I wonder whether, if he'd had a near-death experience, he'd be as happy to repeat it.

Because it was in one of her subsequent posts that she posted before you did?

If you select "See all" in the bottom right hand corner of the OP's first post it will filter out just the OP's posts. It is really helpful on a long thread where the OP is likely to have updated.

The OP had decided to be one and done before she'd even had her first child and difficult birth

@Glitchymn1 it’s a basic of reading the full thread before commenting or don’t comment at all. It’s basic comms 101.

@MounjaroOnMyMind he has had near death experiences when deployed to Afghan and Iraq. Just not in the same way.

Exactly. The risk of a man leaving is why we womenfolk should always do what they want.

@BeensOnToost the comment form @Kitkat1523 was not relevant to my relationship and says more about their own thought process than anything else

I'd actually be really hurt if my DH started mithering for another baby if I'd nearly died giving birth.

We had our second when I was just shy of 40. Both gobsmacked, been told by a specialist that it wasn’t going to happen 3 years after having our first

We were both shell shocked but ultimately thrilled and he’s been the second joy of our lives.

would your husband be willing to be a full time dad?