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Original poster

Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

419 replies

Pitypartayfor1 · 28/12/2024 22:25

Let me start by saying I know this is trivial but I can’t stand lies. I was in an exceptionally abusive relationship and was brought up with a compulsive liar in my father and so lies trigger me beyond belief. My husband knows and understands this and we are very open and honest with each other.

a few weeks ago he ordered my Christmas card and a present of the same website, the present came but the card didn’t and he emailed the company to say it was showing as delivered on the tracker but it wasn’t here so they sent a replacement and I ended up with 2 of the same Christmas card from him.

it’s my birthday tomorrow and usually he’s very on the ball with cards etc and he said to me oh your card hasn’t arrived. I said did you not just order it with my Christmas card like he usually does and he said yes but it didn’t arrive. I said sure you followed the Christmas card up and he said there was an option to delay delivery (bullshit) and that he panicked and hit that. I knew from his body Language he was lying

admittedly I went very quiet and he asked why I had an attitude. I asked why he lied, it’s not a big deal it’s a birthday card for a non significant birthday so why lie? He responded by getting angry and said I was so annoying and I ruin everything and maintained the card just hadn’t arrived.

i said it’ll be in your order confirmation then and long and behold it wasn’t and he lied. When I got out of the car he thanked me for ruining what was a good night.

he knows it’s not about the card, ffs I’m in my late 20s I don’t care whether I get a card or not, I’m going through a really shit time with some family members right now and my husband is the only person (sad I know) I can rely on and trust and I honestly feel depressed as fuck the night before my birthday because he’s lied to me and he’s pissed off with me.

OP posts:
SleepToad · 28/12/2024 22:39

Sorry but your being unreasonable. It was a white lie to give him chance to sort something out. I know you have suffered from big and nasty lies...but every one lies. I bet you do....your best friend says "do you like this dress" your mum asks "how's the food". I bet you lied to spare their feelings

You have to separate what others have done from what your husband had done. Otherwise you will constantly second guess everything he says

Original poster
Pitypartayfor1 · 28/12/2024 22:40

he knows I can’t stand lying. It’s not that I get pissed off, it really messes with my head and he knew this when he got with me. Why go into so much detail that there was a delay option and all when it was complete bullshit?

OP posts:
Tetchypants · 28/12/2024 22:45

How did you end up with two Xmas cards? Maybe he got confused about which card didn’t come with the first order?

Original poster
Pitypartayfor1 · 28/12/2024 22:47

Tetchypants · 28/12/2024 22:45

How did you end up with two Xmas cards? Maybe he got confused about which card didn’t come with the first order?

he ordered a present and a card from funkypigeon. The present arrived in the post but the card didn’t. He didn’t want me to give him my card to him until his card for me arrived and after a few days he tracked it and it said delivered but it wasn’t so he emailed them and they resent it and 2 identical cards arrived.

i looked at the order confirmation, he didn’t order a birthday one. The Christmas one was a genuine mistake by funkypigeon but he hasn’t ordered a birthday one.

OP posts:
derbiee · 28/12/2024 22:47

There is no one on the planet than can say they have never ever lived even a tiny one

He will never meet your expectations no one ever will so if you continue to think like this you will only make yourself miserable

BlueFringe · 28/12/2024 22:50

I understand OP. I can’t stand even white lies. I was lied to at a traumatic time as a child and the feeling strongly remains. It was done to protect me but made me feel so unsafe and the feeling is still clear as day to me now.

I think you need to have a talk with him and remind him why lies, even small ones, cause you such distress.

Original poster
Pitypartayfor1 · 28/12/2024 22:50

derbiee · 28/12/2024 22:47

There is no one on the planet than can say they have never ever lived even a tiny one

He will never meet your expectations no one ever will so if you continue to think like this you will only make yourself miserable

He knows that I can’t handle lies. I was notoriously gaslit by an ex and I still see a psychiatrist for this. He knew this when he got with me that my only bar was absolutely no lies because it sends me into a very depressive spiral. He knows me well enough and long enough to know by now if he hadve said listen sorry I didn’t order a card or shit I need to go to the shop to get a card or even just went in the morning I wouldn’t have cared at all, it’s not about the card. It was the needless lie.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 28/12/2024 22:50

Honestly OP sounds like you pushed and pushed to try and catch him out. He lied because he knew you’d go batshit. You sound very hard work here.

TheClawDecides · 28/12/2024 22:50

There's an awful lot about you going on here.

You can't stand lying, lies trigger you etc.

People do tell white lies though, and I point blank refuse to believe you've never told a harmless white lie.

Leave him be, you can't turn him into a complete version of what you allow him to be.

Cherrypickled · 28/12/2024 22:50

He lied so you wouldn't kick off about the card. It's not that big a deal. People lie to spare peoples feelings all the time.

Original poster
Pitypartayfor1 · 28/12/2024 22:53

BlueFringe · 28/12/2024 22:50

I understand OP. I can’t stand even white lies. I was lied to at a traumatic time as a child and the feeling strongly remains. It was done to protect me but made me feel so unsafe and the feeling is still clear as day to me now.

I think you need to have a talk with him and remind him why lies, even small ones, cause you such distress.

Thank you for understanding. It’s all relative. It’s like people who have been in a serious car crash are more sensitive to driving/crashes. I have a second cousin whose brother was killed in an accident who is terrified of cars. To me it’s irrational (but totally totally understandable and I see why it’s rational to her) and most people drive cars fine however, because of her lived experience, she won’t drive. This is how I feel about lies.

OP posts:
TheClawDecides · 28/12/2024 22:53

I was notoriously gaslit by an ex and I still see a psychiatrist for this.

More about you.

What about him?

Have you considered that no matter what your backstory is, it doesn't give you the right to make demands of the people around you?

How long have you been married?

AwakeNotThruChoice · 28/12/2024 22:53

If that is the case then nothing anyone of us here can say will make a difference. Maybe speak to your psychiatrist about it.

Original poster
Pitypartayfor1 · 28/12/2024 22:53

Cherrypickled · 28/12/2024 22:50

He lied so you wouldn't kick off about the card. It's not that big a deal. People lie to spare peoples feelings all the time.

That’s how it snowballs into bigger and bigger lies because people think it’s ok to do it.

OP posts:
derbiee · 28/12/2024 22:54

Pitypartayfor1 · 28/12/2024 22:53

Thank you for understanding. It’s all relative. It’s like people who have been in a serious car crash are more sensitive to driving/crashes. I have a second cousin whose brother was killed in an accident who is terrified of cars. To me it’s irrational (but totally totally understandable and I see why it’s rational to her) and most people drive cars fine however, because of her lived experience, she won’t drive. This is how I feel about lies.

Show quote history

This is all about you, do you honestly think he will put up with your demands forever?

AwakeNotThruChoice · 28/12/2024 22:54

@Pitypartayfor1 but it doesn’t all the time.

Original poster
Pitypartayfor1 · 28/12/2024 22:54

Cherrypickled · 28/12/2024 22:50

He lied so you wouldn't kick off about the card. It's not that big a deal. People lie to spare peoples feelings all the time.

He knew I wouldn’t have kicked off, it’s a birthday card, I’m not 5. That’s the thing, he’s said since that he knows I wouldn’t have cared and that he was annoyed with himself for messing up so what you’ve said is wrong.

OP posts:
theallotmentqueen · 28/12/2024 22:55

Pitypartayfor1 · 28/12/2024 22:40

he knows I can’t stand lying. It’s not that I get pissed off, it really messes with my head and he knew this when he got with me. Why go into so much detail that there was a delay option and all when it was complete bullshit?

Sounds like he might have lied out of panic. If you were speaking to him an an annoyed/irritated/upset/angry way, he probably felt panicked and anxious over disappointing you, and probably didn’t want to make you more annoyed with him. Lies can slip out at times like this.

I get where you’re coming from with the lying and really have empathy for you, but this is a form of black and white thinking and it’s really not good. I don’t say this in a judgemental way as I have the exact same thing. For me, it’s in regard to SA- I was assaulted as a child and as a result get very twitchy if someone so much as touches me without my permission (eg putting their arm around me). In fact, if I’m not careful I’ll go into black and white thinking (they touched me without my consent, therefore they don’t respect my consent/right to privacy). The key for me is practicing recognizing when touch is predatory, and when it’s simply an innocent touch/awkwardness. I say this for you as much as for myself: everything is not done with malicious intent. It can be horrible and stressful to try to figure out which is which when you’re an abuse victim, but it is really important to have nuance in your thoughts and critically think things that trigger you through, as otherwise you can hurt the people you love.

BellesAndGraces · 28/12/2024 22:55

Sorry OP, when you post late at night you get batshit responses. Of course he shouldn’t have lied and then gaslit you when you confronted him about it. He needs to apologise and acknowledge how badly this affects you.

I hope he does say sorry and you’re able to enjoy your birthday tomorrow.

Livinginadream · 28/12/2024 22:55

Pitypartayfor1 · 28/12/2024 22:53

Thank you for understanding. It’s all relative. It’s like people who have been in a serious car crash are more sensitive to driving/crashes. I have a second cousin whose brother was killed in an accident who is terrified of cars. To me it’s irrational (but totally totally understandable and I see why it’s rational to her) and most people drive cars fine however, because of her lived experience, she won’t drive. This is how I feel about lies.

Show quote history

OK so what next?...you're with someone who you can't trust not to tell lies. You can't change him. What do you want to do?

Givemestrength1000 · 28/12/2024 22:55

You sound a bit exhausting. Leave the bloke alone.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 28/12/2024 22:55

Op, white lies cannot be compared equally with a car crash.

You cannot hold your husband to ransom.

Surely the issues you are working through with your therapist are not down to a handful of white lies? The problem is not white lies.

I don't think you can attempt to control your spouse in order to feel safe in your relationship.

Original poster
Pitypartayfor1 · 28/12/2024 22:55

derbiee · 28/12/2024 22:54

This is all about you, do you honestly think he will put up with your demands forever?

Show quote history

a demand to just be honest? I don’t think it’s asking for much. I’m not demanding a card ffs I’m demanding honesty. It’s not a high bar.

OP posts:
TheClawDecides · 28/12/2024 22:56

If you're still seeing a psychiatrist today because of an ex boyfriend, was it wise to get married?

You sound as though your past has affected you mentally and you're allowing it to affect not only your future, but your husband's too.

Relationships/dating/marriage aren't mandatory.

Butchyrestingface · 28/12/2024 22:57

I think your husband (or, indeed, anyone) will ever be able to live up to your unrealistically high demands.