Page 4 | Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

Pitypartayfor1 · 2024-12-28T22:25:00+00:00

Let me start by saying I know this is trivial but I can’t stand lies. I was in an exceptionally abusive relationship and was brought up with a compulsive liar in my father and so lies trigger me beyond belief. My husband knows and understands this and we are very open and honest with each other. a few weeks ago he ordered my Christmas card and a present of the same website, the present came but the card didn’t and he emailed the company to say it was showing as delivered on the tracker but it wasn’t here so they sent a replacement and I ended up with 2 of the same Christmas card from him. it’s my birthday tomorrow and usually he’s very on the ball with cards etc and he said to me oh your card hasn’t arrived. I said did you not just order it with my Christmas card like he usually does and he said yes but it didn’t arrive. I said sure you followed the Christmas card up and he said there was an option to delay delivery (bullshit) and that he panicked and hit that. I knew from his body Language he was lying admittedly I went very quiet and he asked why I had an attitude. I asked why he lied, it’s not a big deal it’s a birthday card for a non significant birthday so why lie? He responded by getting angry and said I was so annoying and I ruin everything and maintained the card just hadn’t arrived. i said it’ll be in your order confirmation then and long and behold it wasn’t and he lied. When I got out of the car he thanked me for ruining what was a good night. he knows it’s not about the card, ffs I’m in my late 20s I don’t care whether I get a card or not, I’m going through a really shit time with some family members right now and my husband is the only person (sad I know) I can rely on and trust and I honestly feel depressed as fuck the night before my birthday because he’s lied to me and he’s pissed off with me.

JMSA · 28/12/2024 23:50

He lies because you pester the life out of him.

Whiteskies · 28/12/2024 23:50

And yes, there are degrees of lying but to claim that being blunt and completely truthful at all times is a normal state is not possible.

derbiee · 28/12/2024 23:53

Lost589 · 28/12/2024 23:48

I think some posts are really harsh towards OP. If you've not lived with a pathological liar you really can't understand the damage it does to your understanding of everything around you. It's impossible to relax, it makes you doubt yourself and your own perception of the world. You can't help but question every word they speak, my stbxh could tell me the sky was blue and I'd still have to go and check.
I think everyone saying it's normal to lie don't have the punch to the gut fear response that being on the receiving end of lies brings. I'm not saying OP's dh has done much wrong in this instance but being lied to, even small innocent innocuous ones can be massively triggering for someone who has endured the trauma of it.
I hope you're able to find some balance in the future op.

It is controlling whether a man does it or a women and yes the way the op is coming across it is abuse

It can be dressed up however you want and if I was him all the ordering around would not have me hanging around, there is only so long a partner can be endlessly understanding for

BoundaryGirl3939 · 28/12/2024 23:54

DecayedStrumpet · 28/12/2024 23:45

Can you guys see the difference between telling a colleague "this cake you baked is delicious" and " I definitely ordered the part last week, the supplier has cocked up"?
One is an opinion and the other a fact.

Having said that OP, I did date a guy whose ex had been so furious about eg forgetting birthday cards that his first instinct was always to lie in this sort of situation. It took a long time to convince him it was ok to tell the truth and he still reverted back automatically when caught on the hop. I guess your DH needs to learn to trust you too?

No, I definitely lie to protect myself. I took a day off from work a few weeks ago as there was something I really needed to do. I lied and said I was sick. I felt guilty but I had to do it.
I think it was the only day in 2024 that I called in sick so it's not a habit but an exception.

OneLemonDog · 28/12/2024 23:57

Lost589 · 28/12/2024 23:48

I think some posts are really harsh towards OP. If you've not lived with a pathological liar you really can't understand the damage it does to your understanding of everything around you. It's impossible to relax, it makes you doubt yourself and your own perception of the world. You can't help but question every word they speak, my stbxh could tell me the sky was blue and I'd still have to go and check.
I think everyone saying it's normal to lie don't have the punch to the gut fear response that being on the receiving end of lies brings. I'm not saying OP's dh has done much wrong in this instance but being lied to, even small innocent innocuous ones can be massively triggering for someone who has endured the trauma of it.
I hope you're able to find some balance in the future op.

I don't think any/many are dismissing the OP's trauma and it absolutely goes a long way to explaining her behavior - but it doesn't justify it.

I also think that in 99%+ of cases, when someone claims that they never lie, the claim is simply not true.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2024 00:01

being honest is an unrealistically high demand? Wtf?

Yes. Lying is completely socially normative. Years ago I took a psychometric test. It was a test about lying. One of the questions is, "do you routinely lie to people you love?" I AGONISED about that question. Because I'm very truthful about important things, I care about honestly.

But I also routinely lie to people I love.

Mum, I loved that Christmas present.
Ang, you look great in those new leggings.
Fred, your new girlfriend seems nice.
DD, those ride-on toys are all broken.
Omar, I'm busy that weekend so I can't come to your gig.
Paul, you're doing really well with your new fitness routine...

And on and on. Small, tiny, little white lies that grease the wheels of social interaction. That allow us to live with each other, save face, save time, save feelings and talk honestly about the important things.

Your partner is doing someone most people habitually and regularly do. Rude arseholes sometimes don't lie, but who wants to date one of them?

It turns out that question on the test, people who said they DID lie to loved ones, scored lower as liars. Because saying you do, proves you try to tell the truth. Ironic, right?

DaniO2 · 29/12/2024 00:02

I think it is a you problem (although an understandable problem from the way you'd been treated previously).

He was just trying to brush it off - maybe not wanting to make you feel bad.

You say you don't like lies, but if someone asks you if you like their new dress are you going to say "no it doesn't suit you" just because you're being honest. Or are you going to tell them they look great. Or if go to a friends house and they serve you a meal they've spent ages on and they ask how it is, are you really not going to tell them it's lovely, even if you find it bland?

There is lying and gaslighting, and then there is telling white lies to be kind.

No one is 100% honest all the time unless they enjoy upsetting people and causing aggro.

I can understand how your past experience have made you wary of lies, but it's unfair to use the way someone else treated you to punish your OH now.

Hopefully it's something you can work on and be more understanding, and your OH realises you need less white lies and more honesty, even if he was only trying to spare your feelings in this case.

LeopardPants · 29/12/2024 00:03

ForZanyAquaViewer · 28/12/2024 23:00

i looked at the order confirmation, he didn’t order a birthday one.

This is insane. Your DH is in an abusive relationship. Your behaviour is abusive. Nobody should have to live like this.

This post is mental. How is the OP abusive?!

I am completely with you OP I don’t like being lied to, it doesn’t matter how small the lie. If people lie about small things then they will probably lie about big things… Totally get you.

jannier · 29/12/2024 00:03

Your initial questioning of the card and following it up doesn't sound like someone who doesn't care about a card. Others would just shrug and say no big deal or you can always pick one up tomorrow. Do you always try to catch him out?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 29/12/2024 00:03

this isn't about not ordering a card or a white lie about ordering / not ordering a card

it's about

'I’m going through a really shit time with some family members right now '

Sunshine1500 · 29/12/2024 00:03

I can see why he lied, your reaction is extreme for a white lie that was likely said without thinking, when you put him on the spot.

Lost589 · 29/12/2024 00:03

derbiee · 28/12/2024 23:53

It is controlling whether a man does it or a women and yes the way the op is coming across it is abuse

It can be dressed up however you want and if I was him all the ordering around would not have me hanging around, there is only so long a partner can be endlessly understanding for

Show quote history

I'm not saying it's healthy, just relatable if you've been subject to it for a considerable length of time, e.g. a childhood or a couple of decades. If you haven't then you can't possibly understand it. It breeds defensiveness, anger and a need to prove them a liar for no other reason than to prove to yourself that you're not misremembering an occasion, you've not misplaced something, you've not forgotten something, you're not paranoid. It's utterly insidious.

Personally, I know my ability to trust is shattered so I very much doubt I will ever have a relationship again, it wouldn't be fair on me or the other person.

Divebar2021 · 29/12/2024 00:03

i said it’ll be in your order confirmation then and long and behold it wasn’t and he lied

Whats confusing to me is that he told you the card hadn’t arrived and although you say you don’t really care about it there is this whole palaver of discussing what he may or may not have done with the order. You then suggested / directed ( not sure which) him to the order confirmation. If this is supposedly not a big deal why didn’t you just say Ok when he told you the card hadn’t arrived. I feel like he may have had his back to the wall there a little bit and you’ve gone after him double checking.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 29/12/2024 00:04

Sometimes lies afford people a sense of privacy. They don't have to tell you every minor detail. That's too intrusive.
My brother started seeing someone a few months ago. He would tell white lies to the family that he was off to visit friends. He didn't want to tell anyone there was someone on the scene as he didn't know if the romance would even take off. I respect him for being wise and keeping it to himself.

TheClawDecides · 29/12/2024 00:05

Lost589 · 28/12/2024 23:48

I think some posts are really harsh towards OP. If you've not lived with a pathological liar you really can't understand the damage it does to your understanding of everything around you. It's impossible to relax, it makes you doubt yourself and your own perception of the world. You can't help but question every word they speak, my stbxh could tell me the sky was blue and I'd still have to go and check.
I think everyone saying it's normal to lie don't have the punch to the gut fear response that being on the receiving end of lies brings. I'm not saying OP's dh has done much wrong in this instance but being lied to, even small innocent innocuous ones can be massively triggering for someone who has endured the trauma of it.
I hope you're able to find some balance in the future op.

But having an ex fuck you up mentally, to the point you're still seeing a psychiatrist today, doesn't give anyone the right to demand no white lies ever in their next relationship, especially to the point they think it's fine to demand to see emails etc.

As stated before, dating/marriage is not mandatory.

If you're choosing to do it, you need to make sure your past doesn't fuck up yours or your partner's future.

OneLemonDog · 29/12/2024 00:06

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2024 00:01

being honest is an unrealistically high demand? Wtf?

Yes. Lying is completely socially normative. Years ago I took a psychometric test. It was a test about lying. One of the questions is, "do you routinely lie to people you love?" I AGONISED about that question. Because I'm very truthful about important things, I care about honestly.

But I also routinely lie to people I love.

Mum, I loved that Christmas present.
Ang, you look great in those new leggings.
Fred, your new girlfriend seems nice.
DD, those ride-on toys are all broken.
Omar, I'm busy that weekend so I can't come to your gig.
Paul, you're doing really well with your new fitness routine...

And on and on. Small, tiny, little white lies that grease the wheels of social interaction. That allow us to live with each other, save face, save time, save feelings and talk honestly about the important things.

Your partner is doing someone most people habitually and regularly do. Rude arseholes sometimes don't lie, but who wants to date one of them?

It turns out that question on the test, people who said they DID lie to loved ones, scored lower as liars. Because saying you do, proves you try to tell the truth. Ironic, right?

I'd say this is a great post but now I'm annoyed at you for swerving my gig.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2024 00:07

LOL @OneLemonDog since we're on an honestly thread, your band sucks. Soz.

TheClawDecides · 29/12/2024 00:08

LeopardPants · 29/12/2024 00:03

This post is mental. How is the OP abusive?!

I am completely with you OP I don’t like being lied to, it doesn’t matter how small the lie. If people lie about small things then they will probably lie about big things… Totally get you.

Show quote history

If people lie about small things then they will probably lie about big things

So whenever you've told a white lie, you've gone on to tell lies about big things too?

That's not as common as you might think it is.

We don't all do that.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 29/12/2024 00:09

Your DH is not perfect. He loves you and he understands you up to a point. Just as you understand him up to a point. You don’t understand why he lied… You feel let down and it’s fine to say that, but remember he’s only human and he’s far far better than your past abusers.

jannier · 29/12/2024 00:10

OrangeQualityStreetAreTheBest · 28/12/2024 23:18

Some people lie like they can't help it, or exaggerate. I can't stand it. I also don't see the point of it.

Yanbu to expect honesty. It was a pointless and unnecessary lie, and then he got cross and you because HE lied. I'm not surprised you're upset.

You'd be unreasonable if you had a constant need for the truth, and disbelieved and grilled him on every situation. 100 questions and he can't have a thought you don't know about.

But from what you've said here, it sounds like you've set a very clear and simple boundary - no lies. I don't really understand people saying that's unrealistic. Do people really lie all the time?

Maybe she does have a constant need to test what he's said, her response certainly didn't sound like she believed him yet it wasn't something most would question. God forbid he had a massive surprise lined up and didn't want to ruin it.

DorothyStorm · 29/12/2024 00:10

Divebar2021 · 29/12/2024 00:03

i said it’ll be in your order confirmation then and long and behold it wasn’t and he lied

Whats confusing to me is that he told you the card hadn’t arrived and although you say you don’t really care about it there is this whole palaver of discussing what he may or may not have done with the order. You then suggested / directed ( not sure which) him to the order confirmation. If this is supposedly not a big deal why didn’t you just say Ok when he told you the card hadn’t arrived. I feel like he may have had his back to the wall there a little bit and you’ve gone after him double checking.

The card wasnt a big deal.
the lying is a big deal.

Seriously, that wasnt difficult to understand!

ForZanyAquaViewer · 29/12/2024 00:10

LeopardPants · 29/12/2024 00:03

This post is mental. How is the OP abusive?!

I am completely with you OP I don’t like being lied to, it doesn’t matter how small the lie. If people lie about small things then they will probably lie about big things… Totally get you.

Show quote history

She required he show her email confirmation to verify whether or not he’d ordered her a card from funkypigeon. If you’re genuinely not seeing how unacceptable that sort of behaviour is then there’s nothing anyone here can say to clarify it for you.

TheClawDecides · 29/12/2024 00:11

ForZanyAquaViewer · 29/12/2024 00:10

She required he show her email confirmation to verify whether or not he’d ordered her a card from funkypigeon. If you’re genuinely not seeing how unacceptable that sort of behaviour is then there’s nothing anyone here can say to clarify it for you.

Show quote history

My ex husband used to hover over me while I nervously had to prove I wasn't lying.

girlofsandwich · 29/12/2024 00:12

I feel for you OP, I can imagine this must be very distressing for you to make him show you his emails. You must know that is absolutely not normal and very controlling, at best.

I think you need to continue to do the work with a therapist, to be able to sit with your past trauma and get to a better place. You will without doubt push him away if you put everything he says under a microscope. While it's understandable that a minor lie to protect feelings is triggering for you, it's entirely inconsequential to most people. You seem to be trying to protect yourself by trying to eliminate any and all lies from the people you love, which just isn't possible.

I'm sure my partner has told me white lies to protect my feelings, it's a normal defence reflex and he's not infallible. Neither am I!

You have said numerous times you have a very open and honest relationship, so I don't think you're being fair to him here at all and I feel sorry for him.

You're seriously in danger of letting your past relationships ruin this one, I hope you can have a chat and enjoy your birthday.

bingobanjo · 29/12/2024 00:12

I totally understand OP. I trust my partner completely because we are always completely honest. It’s black and white to me, he is someone whose word I can rely on without thinking about it. If something happened to shake that perception, I would have an awful lot to think about, no matter how trivial the lie. My parents marriage was plagued with dishonesty, I couldn’t live with the doubt and second guessing.

A white lie is saying you look nice even when you look like shit. This is a fully intentional misrepresentation of a situation he doubled down on. Maybe you should have couples therapy to see if the situation can be resolved with mediation.