Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

[Pitypartayfor1]

Let me start by saying I know this is trivial but I can’t stand lies. I was in an exceptionally abusive relationship and was brought up with a compulsive liar in my father and so lies trigger me beyond belief. My husband knows and understands this and we are very open and honest with each other.

a few weeks ago he ordered my Christmas card and a present of the same website, the present came but the card didn’t and he emailed the company to say it was showing as delivered on the tracker but it wasn’t here so they sent a replacement and I ended up with 2 of the same Christmas card from him.

it’s my birthday tomorrow and usually he’s very on the ball with cards etc and he said to me oh your card hasn’t arrived. I said did you not just order it with my Christmas card like he usually does and he said yes but it didn’t arrive. I said sure you followed the Christmas card up and he said there was an option to delay delivery (bullshit) and that he panicked and hit that. I knew from his body Language he was lying

admittedly I went very quiet and he asked why I had an attitude. I asked why he lied, it’s not a big deal it’s a birthday card for a non significant birthday so why lie? He responded by getting angry and said I was so annoying and I ruin everything and maintained the card just hadn’t arrived.

i said it’ll be in your order confirmation then and long and behold it wasn’t and he lied. When I got out of the car he thanked me for ruining what was a good night.

he knows it’s not about the card, ffs I’m in my late 20s I don’t care whether I get a card or not, I’m going through a really shit time with some family members right now and my husband is the only person (sad I know) I can rely on and trust and I honestly feel depressed as fuck the night before my birthday because he’s lied to me and he’s pissed off with me.

This is not a fair scenario though. Commenting on liking the food or not is not hiding something that’s taking place.

“This food is nice” when it’s not is not the same as “I did something for you” when they didn’t. The first is manners and has no impact. The second is lying to cover your own actions or inactions. They are weighted differently you see.

But from what you've said here, it sounds like you've set a very clear and simple boundary - no lies. I don't really understand people saying that's unrealistic. Do people really lie all the time?

SOME people lie frequently. Most people, I imagine, tell the occasional white lie, often to spare someone's feelings. It could also be out of fear, or because they feel so ground down by a controlling partner, for instance, that a white lie seems like the path of least resistance.

It was ridiculous of him to lie about this.
In this situation, I'd be concerned that he finds it easy and necessary to lie than admit any fault.
It's even more concerning that he's blaming you for spoiling the evening when it was down to him.
This is not the same as a little white lie to save someone's feeling like "the dinner was delicious"
This is a lie to deflect from fault and blame.

You sound like very hard work to be honest. Everyone lies, if you're looking for someone who is never ever going to tell a white lie then you're going to be alone. It's just a card, maybe he thought he'd ordered it and forgot to and just said 'oh it didn't come' to avoid looking like an idiot? It's really not worth causing such a fuss about that you've now had a row about a bloody card the day before your birthday. The issue isn't his stupid lie, it's your massive overreaction to it.

I understand why you're so upset OP. It was a needless white lie.

But can you also understand that he was caught in a 'oh shit' situation and instinctively lied. Just like many people would have done out of panic, not malice? Can you see that he's upset that you insisted on evidence and the resulting bad feeling between you?

You've been horribly affected by a past relationship. Can't you see that it's affecting him and your relationship with him too? It's not easy for him. Your past is haunting him.

Be kind to him. Try to understand his perspective.

Be kind to yourself and remember he loves you and wants you to heal from your past. He made a mistake. Forgive him.

I agree that your behaviour is abusive. There was a thread on here recently from a woman whose husband picked up on every lie that she told. They were half truths or to try and get herself out of trouble with her husband. Everyone told her that he was being abused by him.
OP, it does sound as if the silent treatment you give him if you have managed to catch him out on a mistake is abusive. You perhaps need to live alone and to stop watching someone like a hawk so that you can feel morally superior. Everyone lies to a certain extent. I was hailed recently by someone I don't much like and I said it was lovely to see them. I to,d my granddaughter that her picture of me was wonderful. Etc, etc.
You don't sound very nice and your behaviour is abusive. Let your partner go or observe your own behaviour carefully and count how many times you are less than honest during the course of the day.

I could have written a lot of what you've written about your background myself. I get totally freaked out by lies too, so I really do understand where you're coming from. Literally just this afternoon I had a bit of a mental spiral because my husband said something that I thought might have been a lie, and when pushed he said he "promised" he was telling the truth. Well that made it all worse - I HATE it when he promises things that I have doubts about, because then I convince myself that he is lying and therefore all his other promises he's ever made to me are probably lies too. All this is to say that I am weird about lies as well so I really do get it.

But you are being unreasonable. When I'm feeling distressed by lies or dishonesty, I try to focus on why the person is keeping the truth from me and how bad would it be if I found out the truth. Forgetting to order a birthday card isn't a big deal, and therefore lying about it is not really a horrible thing. Whereas lying about an affair for example is keeping information from you that would change your mind about someone or about a relationship - the stakes of covering up the truth are much higher. I'm not sure if any of that makes sense, I'm too tired to try and write properly tonight!

No, they're both lies to save someone's feelings.

"I'm going to pretend I like this thing because I know you put a lot of effort into it"

and

"I love and care about you a huge amount, but the fact I forgot your birthday card might not indicate that, so I'm going to pretend it was funkpigeons cock up."

I'm not saying it's a directly comparable scenario, I just think that most people who claim to never, ever lie are either lying when they make that claim or are extremely rude.

White lies, to spare someone's feelings, are often much kinder and socially "correct" than unfiltered truth-telling.

I couldn’t live like this. Walking on eggshells the whole time; panicking I had accidentally forgotten to mention that I’d stopped at the pub on the way home or that I’d have to make some big confession if I’d forgotten to post the electricity bill… it sounds torturous.

You need to work on yourself OP. You're being very unreasonable.

Would your stand on lying extend to unkindness, OP? Would you insist on a truthful response to a person whose young daughter has a brain tumour and who is clinging to every bit of hope? I have a friend in this situation. I hope I would put kindness and compassion over bluntness. You sound cruel.

I understand why you are annoyed.
You are not bothered about the card.
If he would have told the truth and said "ah, I forgot the card" that would have been fine, discussion over.
But he didn't,he lied, to make himself look better as to not have forgotten a card, or maybe to spare your feelings at him forgetting. Either way, lying is never the answer. I hate liars.

@tiggergoesbounce
Do you really mean that you never lie or hide the truth to spare someone's feelings? That you would insist on telling the truth to a grieving parent?

This post warrants repeating and hopefully rings true with the OP

Does it occur to you that he did that not because you would kick off, but because he didn't want to upset you because you might have thought he'd forgotten about your birthday? i.e. He was doing it out of consideration for you? OK, it might have been misplaced, but it's concerning that the only explanation you can contemplate is one that puts him in a bad light.

Yes your dh lied, yes you were interrogating him because you knew he was lying. He was trying to get himself out of a hole of forgetfulness. This is what people do, to cover their own mistakes.

He did not set out to fuck with your head by lying, nor you his by interrogating him and showing him up to have made a mistake. He feels useless because of a birthday card, you feel unsteady because he lied.

You probably need to work on this relationship rather than a past one. Because reliving and measuring lies from a past abusive relationship cannot possibly help when you go home raw from remembering someone whom meant you harm, to your dh whom is not abusive but is held to an abnormally high standard and punished should he behave as many do, oiling the wheels if you like.

That is what you need to think about, to my mind. Going forward in the norm of society. Maybe role-playing scenario's would help.

Is he afraid of you? Have you lost the head over insignificant matters in the past? Demanding to look at his enails is OTT, and very intimidating.
I tell white lies to protect myself, and also not to hurt and offend others. Sounds like he was doing the same. What an overreaction. Not nice at all.

I still want to know how these morally superior posters insist on being completely blunt and frank when faced with a vulnerable, frightened person begging for reassurance.
Will the OP insist on telling very little children that Father Christmas does not exist?

I tell white lies to my husband all the time, and I suspect he does me too…. Only stopped for one pint, no your ass doesn’t look big, etc etc etc. it’s never snowballed into anything. I feel a bit sad for your husband.

Can you guys see the difference between telling a colleague "this cake you baked is delicious" and " I definitely ordered the part last week, the supplier has cocked up"?
One is an opinion and the other a fact.

Having said that OP, I did date a guy whose ex had been so furious about eg forgetting birthday cards that his first instinct was always to lie in this sort of situation. It took a long time to convince him it was ok to tell the truth and he still reverted back automatically when caught on the hop. I guess your DH needs to learn to trust you too?

I simply do not believe that there are people who really believe that they never lie, even if it is to spare someone's feelings.
It sounds as if these people lie to themselves which is worse in lots of ways.

I think some posts are really harsh towards OP. If you've not lived with a pathological liar you really can't understand the damage it does to your understanding of everything around you. It's impossible to relax, it makes you doubt yourself and your own perception of the world. You can't help but question every word they speak, my stbxh could tell me the sky was blue and I'd still have to go and check.
I think everyone saying it's normal to lie don't have the punch to the gut fear response that being on the receiving end of lies brings. I'm not saying OP's dh has done much wrong in this instance but being lied to, even small innocent innocuous ones can be massively triggering for someone who has endured the trauma of it.
I hope you're able to find some balance in the future op.

I think very, very few people can or want to live a life of complete honesty- I'm not talking about the big things, but the small day to day. I actually think knots unreasonable to expect this- and I really doubt you'll ever get it- people lie to you because of it. You said you're working on it- much like health anxiety this is something you need to change the way you thing, not hope that everyone else will bend to your extreme view or leave you.

Don't forget, some people want to be lied to and some don't. I have absolutely no problem with lying to someone who wants to be lied to. The OP doesn't.