Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

[Pitypartayfor1]

Let me start by saying I know this is trivial but I can’t stand lies. I was in an exceptionally abusive relationship and was brought up with a compulsive liar in my father and so lies trigger me beyond belief. My husband knows and understands this and we are very open and honest with each other.

a few weeks ago he ordered my Christmas card and a present of the same website, the present came but the card didn’t and he emailed the company to say it was showing as delivered on the tracker but it wasn’t here so they sent a replacement and I ended up with 2 of the same Christmas card from him.

it’s my birthday tomorrow and usually he’s very on the ball with cards etc and he said to me oh your card hasn’t arrived. I said did you not just order it with my Christmas card like he usually does and he said yes but it didn’t arrive. I said sure you followed the Christmas card up and he said there was an option to delay delivery (bullshit) and that he panicked and hit that. I knew from his body Language he was lying

admittedly I went very quiet and he asked why I had an attitude. I asked why he lied, it’s not a big deal it’s a birthday card for a non significant birthday so why lie? He responded by getting angry and said I was so annoying and I ruin everything and maintained the card just hadn’t arrived.

i said it’ll be in your order confirmation then and long and behold it wasn’t and he lied. When I got out of the car he thanked me for ruining what was a good night.

he knows it’s not about the card, ffs I’m in my late 20s I don’t care whether I get a card or not, I’m going through a really shit time with some family members right now and my husband is the only person (sad I know) I can rely on and trust and I honestly feel depressed as fuck the night before my birthday because he’s lied to me and he’s pissed off with me.

She's under the care of a psychiatrist. What makes you think she's not working on it? She's also explained she's awaiting a diagnosis for BPD. It's very easy for you to say relax. How can she relax out of previous trauma and a possible disability? Her partner is with her knowing her past, and knowing that she can't handle being lied to. He agreed to that. If he can't hack it, he's free to walk away at any time.

Expecting her partner not to lie to her for no reason at all isn't unreasonable. Most people wouldn't accept their partner lying to them. He could and should have just said sorry i forgot to get a card I'll get one in the morning.

This thread really is showing the worst of Mumsnet. There's absolutely no tolerance at all for disabled people or those with mental health illnesses or conditions.

I’m glad you are getting support for your mental health OP. On reading your posts I worry your behaviour towards your partner is controlling and abusive and I think you need to work on that rather than on changing him.

This thread really is showing the worst of Mumsnet. There's absolutely no tolerance at all for disabled people or those with mental health illnesses or conditions.

Agreed, in fact, there are people gleefully using her (suspected) BPD against her to gaslight and victim-blame her. Not wanting your husband to lie to you is not unreasonable. Not wanting to wake up on your BIRTHDAY, of all days, to him shouting at and abusing you and throwing flowers at you is not unreasonable. People are ignoring/justifying his abusive behaviour but are attacking the OP for simply not wanting her husband to lie. Perhaps OP should (or should have, now) have asked for this to be moved to Relationships rather than Vipers/AIBU. The replies on here are batshit fucking crazy. I haven't seen such gaslighting, such DARVO and such victim-blaming on here in a long time.

His reaction is way more abusive than hers.

All she did was catch him in a lie. He's been name calling.

Thank god someone else sees it too.

If she'd posted about her husband's reaction first and foremost and didn't mention her own mental health problems and her past in such detail, she would have got a million different replies rightly pointing out that him name calling, using her mental health against her and throwing the flowers at her is abusive. Instead she's been called the abuser just because she sniffed out a lie.

All from people who i expect would be pissed off if their husband lied to them, she's supposed to be ok with it but they wouldn't be!

Sorry I’ve missed the name calling bit.

You are being very unreasonable.
I understand that your background has made you very suspicious. But at some point everyone is less than 100% truthful. There is a difference between a serious lie and a white lie aimed to spare someone's feelings. You put him on the spot by continuing to ask him about the card. He felt attacked and didn't want you to think he had forgotten. Sometimes you have to just let things go

@Nessastats because she interrogated him then blew up when he tried to spare her feelings about the card. Claiming the card wasn’t a big deal but pushing for an answer about it says the opposite.
it’s awful to suffer with MH problems but it’s not ok to treat others badly because of them.

I just wanted to add that actually I cannot stand lying either- and haven’t experienced someone’s lies and they gaslighting me (the father of my now adult child) I understand your strong response. For me I don’t understand how someone can or will tell a blatant lie when they don’t need to!

You need to work on differentiating between the kinds of lies that have caused you trauma in the past and this kind of thing. There will always be little white lies of zero significance or for kindness reasons.

For me I don’t understand how someone can or will tell a blatant lie when they don’t need to!

But can you understand why someone living with a partner who has 'severe complex mental health issues' might tell a white lie? Especially when they're also pregnant and there's a 3 year old in the house?

If not, I'm genuinely pleased for you and I don't mean that sarcastically either.

But for the rest of us who have been in that position, it can be very very difficult indeed.

So do you NEVER lie? A friend asks if they look nice but they don't, someone cooks for you and asks if you like it but you don't, you get a gift that you don't particularly like etc etc. surely politeness means you would lie?

I was just trying to add my point. I have a lot of experience with complex mental health actually thanks so thanks for that…

And yet you can't understand why someone in the OP's husband's position might tell a white lie?

Experience obviously varies but you should at least be able to imagine this.

I haven’t come here to get into a confrontation with anyone but respond to the OP. Again I reiterate that him telling her a lie has clearly caused her more anxiety and upset.

I am carer for my mother who has complex health needs including her mental health. Any lie will cause her a lot of distress and anxiety so I am always honest with her even if she may not like the answer as this is far easier to manage and less distressing for her. Again I reiterate the point that I don’t understand why people are dishonest…

Again I reiterate the point that I don’t understand why people are dishonest…

You've made this very clear with your limited experience.

Fair enough, your experience doesn't match that of the OP's husband.

The way she's behaving that's probably what will happen. I wonder how she deals with children lying?

And you don’t see it clearly at the time! Relationships aren’t easy but we can learn from these things and get better. That’s what loving partners should do

I have a big problem with lies. Growing up in a family where everyone told the truth (apart from the usual white lies) I was totally unprepared for a person like my exdh! He is a compulsive liar - dd2 said he's a pathological liar. In fact if he opens his mouth I know he's lying. That level of lying really messes with you and I must admit being very sensitive to any of my 4dc lying. I think I should be assessed to see if I'm ND (it runs in my family) but I still believe what people say (except exdh) and time and time they are lying.

And where do you stand on his behaviour and the way he's treated her?

It was the lying that was the problem , not the card.

All the people who think it was ok for her husband to lie - is it also ok for him to call her names and throw the flowers at her?

No, just as it wasn't ok when I finally snapped, called my abusive ex a cunt and threw a small table at him.

Not my finest moment, but it was the wake up call I needed to get away from him and the bag of nerves his behaviour had turned me into.

That was almost 25 years ago and from what our adult DC tell me, his behaviour has got worse and worse over the years.

His behaviour is awful.
Hers wasn’t good either.

Interesting that you choose to focus on hers, which didn't involve name calling or throwing things, instead of his then.

Insisting on the truth when you know someone is lying to you isn't abusive. Throwing stuff and name calling is. That's the bigger issue.

If he doesn't like having to tell the truth, he should be with one of you lot who like having people lie to you.

The only one throwing stuff around in ops house is him.