Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

[Pitypartayfor1]

Let me start by saying I know this is trivial but I can’t stand lies. I was in an exceptionally abusive relationship and was brought up with a compulsive liar in my father and so lies trigger me beyond belief. My husband knows and understands this and we are very open and honest with each other.

a few weeks ago he ordered my Christmas card and a present of the same website, the present came but the card didn’t and he emailed the company to say it was showing as delivered on the tracker but it wasn’t here so they sent a replacement and I ended up with 2 of the same Christmas card from him.

it’s my birthday tomorrow and usually he’s very on the ball with cards etc and he said to me oh your card hasn’t arrived. I said did you not just order it with my Christmas card like he usually does and he said yes but it didn’t arrive. I said sure you followed the Christmas card up and he said there was an option to delay delivery (bullshit) and that he panicked and hit that. I knew from his body Language he was lying

admittedly I went very quiet and he asked why I had an attitude. I asked why he lied, it’s not a big deal it’s a birthday card for a non significant birthday so why lie? He responded by getting angry and said I was so annoying and I ruin everything and maintained the card just hadn’t arrived.

i said it’ll be in your order confirmation then and long and behold it wasn’t and he lied. When I got out of the car he thanked me for ruining what was a good night.

he knows it’s not about the card, ffs I’m in my late 20s I don’t care whether I get a card or not, I’m going through a really shit time with some family members right now and my husband is the only person (sad I know) I can rely on and trust and I honestly feel depressed as fuck the night before my birthday because he’s lied to me and he’s pissed off with me.

oh for fuck sake read the post before commenting. I was saying if you have an adverse experience it affects you for life no matter how rational or irrational it seems to others!

being honest is an unrealistically high demand? Wtf?

Don't you just...

I agree OP, I don't understand the responses here. I hate lying and would rather DH said "I forgot to buy a card sorry" than pretend. I have to be able to trust him so I totally understand even without your trauma history.

i looked at the order confirmation, he didn’t order a birthday one.

This is insane. Your DH is in an abusive relationship. Your behaviour is abusive. Nobody should have to live like this.

I’m the same. When someone lies to me, a part of me just switches off to them, I cannot stand it and feel like I don’t know them at all.
It has ended friendships and relationships because I can’t get past it.

The funny thing is that I lie myself, I do it all the time. Little ones. I definitely do. I say things that aren’t true to cheer people up, I told my children I’m allergic to tickles and that I get a rash if I’m tickled. I said it years ago because I hate being tickled and they believed me. Of course there is the Christmas thing too, that’s a lie. I don’t know if this is any help, but I would love to know why I’m so strict with others but let myself off the hook.

Do you ever do it yourself?

This thread is so sad. So many people with such a low bar saying lying about small things is fine. If they are small why lie?!

Is it not normal in a relationship to just hold your hand up and admit whatever small truth it is when the action doesn’t matter but lying makes it worse?

@Pitypartayfor1 I'm genuinely shocked at some of the responses you’ve had but no surprise at this time on MN

This is the AIBU section of the site, OP. People post here to seek opinions on whether they are or aren’t being unreasonable in a given situation.

This is presumably why you too have posted here. As you can see, some posters agree with you and others don’t. So far, so normal.

If all you want is a bunch of nodding dogs to slavishly agree that you’re right and your terrible, awful husband is wrong, posting to a message board called Am I Being Unreasonable? was perhaps not a sage choice. 🙂

Yup. Were this a boyfriend, I'd say that the OP isn't ready for a relationship...but this is her husband.

Also, white lies are often a good and polite thing. That isn't necessarily the case in this specific instance, but if someone genuinely never lies, they're likely rude as fuck.

Why didn't you leave it when he said your card hadn't turned up?

It seems strange to me that you questioned and picked at the reasons.

I hate lies too, but this was an impossible situation for him. How can he be 100% honest AND maintain a birthday surprise when you question him?

Surely you know better than to question him directly about your birthday?

This specific situation was unfair

People tell white lies all the time. You sound very controlling of him. Why are you checking his email confirmation?

My ex husband made me nervous as hell with his obsession about not lying to him, to the point where he too would demand to see my emails/orders/whatever really.

It ended up having the complete opposite effect as I'd end up lying just to placate him and stop him kicking off, but his excuse was always 'past trauma'.

As it turned out, I caught him in a few lies too but that was apparently different and made him explode with rage.

I'm well rid of that nasty, fucked up man.

Yeah, it is.

There is not a person on the planet who will not occasionally tell a little white lie. It's human nature, some times they even come out before they've properly entered your brain.

That's probably what happened to your husband. He should have come clean, but he knows you can't deal with a lie, so instead he panicked. Decided that you realising it's a lie would be worse than the lie itself, and so doubled down and lost, and it snowballed into something much bigger than it needed to be.

You can want him not to lie, but going off the deep end when he does forget himself for a moment, is just going to make him feel like he can't open his mouth for fear of what might come out.

Scenario:

Your partner surprises you with an extravagant home cooked meal, where they have tried to recreate some of your all time favorite foods. They've clearly put in a lot of thought and effort, simpy to show thwir love and appreciation. You take a few bites and it's just...okay.

They ask you how the food is.

Are you honest, or do you tell a little white lie?

Kindly, no, it isn’t. That’s the horrible experience that you have had that has made you think this. Just because my DP lies about having remembered to post a postcard on Tuesday and actually did it on Wednesday it doesn’t mean he’s about to bury the cat alive and deny it. This is something you should be working on in your therapy, not spoiling an entire day with your husband because he panicked and told an incredibly insignificant white lie that doesn’t matter.

There is not a person on the planet who will not occasionally tell a little white lie. It's human nature, some times they even come out before they've properly entered your brain.

Exactly and the irony here is, the OP is a liar if she's going to claim she's never, ever told a white lie.

And as a PP pointed out if such a person really exists, they'll be rude as fuck.

Your behaviour seems so abusive and toxic. The poor man.

And I’m sorry but I agree with this. If a friend told me her husband had made her show him emails to prove she was a liar like this I’d be telling her to leave before it got even worse.

I couldn't cope with this level of interrogation. I had a mother like this.

Poor poor guy, hope he finds the way to leave this relationship

Some people lie like they can't help it, or exaggerate. I can't stand it. I also don't see the point of it.

Yanbu to expect honesty. It was a pointless and unnecessary lie, and then he got cross and you because HE lied. I'm not surprised you're upset.

You'd be unreasonable if you had a constant need for the truth, and disbelieved and grilled him on every situation. 100 questions and he can't have a thought you don't know about.

But from what you've said here, it sounds like you've set a very clear and simple boundary - no lies. I don't really understand people saying that's unrealistic. Do people really lie all the time?

I'm with the OP on this and am shocked at some of the responses.

I hate lies and this would have bugged me too. Just be honest and everyone knows where they stand.

In this scenario it's easy to focus in the things that are true...how much you appreciate the surprise and all the effort that has gone into it with no need to lie or hurt anyone's feelings.

As you say OP it's not exactly difficult or a high bar to set.

It's virtually impossible to live a life without any tiny little lies whatsoever OP, we're animals, imperfect, we're not robots.

Can you honestly swear you've never slipped a little fibster ever to anyone?

Stop punishing yourself and him for your ex's behaviour. You need to try to get over it, when you defeat will with time. Trust me I know x.

Give yourself a break and possibly DH a hug.

Definitely* not defeat.