Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

[Pitypartayfor1]

Let me start by saying I know this is trivial but I can’t stand lies. I was in an exceptionally abusive relationship and was brought up with a compulsive liar in my father and so lies trigger me beyond belief. My husband knows and understands this and we are very open and honest with each other.

a few weeks ago he ordered my Christmas card and a present of the same website, the present came but the card didn’t and he emailed the company to say it was showing as delivered on the tracker but it wasn’t here so they sent a replacement and I ended up with 2 of the same Christmas card from him.

it’s my birthday tomorrow and usually he’s very on the ball with cards etc and he said to me oh your card hasn’t arrived. I said did you not just order it with my Christmas card like he usually does and he said yes but it didn’t arrive. I said sure you followed the Christmas card up and he said there was an option to delay delivery (bullshit) and that he panicked and hit that. I knew from his body Language he was lying

admittedly I went very quiet and he asked why I had an attitude. I asked why he lied, it’s not a big deal it’s a birthday card for a non significant birthday so why lie? He responded by getting angry and said I was so annoying and I ruin everything and maintained the card just hadn’t arrived.

i said it’ll be in your order confirmation then and long and behold it wasn’t and he lied. When I got out of the car he thanked me for ruining what was a good night.

he knows it’s not about the card, ffs I’m in my late 20s I don’t care whether I get a card or not, I’m going through a really shit time with some family members right now and my husband is the only person (sad I know) I can rely on and trust and I honestly feel depressed as fuck the night before my birthday because he’s lied to me and he’s pissed off with me.

You're really clutching at straws now by deliberately ignoring other pertinent points.

I'm guessing you're bored, so I hope your day improves.

Honestly does sound like he was driven to breaking point. No his behaviour wasn’t acceptable. OP sounds unreasonable though. His awful behaviour doesn’t make hers ok.

Not bored no - just a little bit perturbed by the amount of people who will happily call a woman an abuser (apparently based entirely on the crime of wanting to be told the truth, having mental health issues and a past history of trauma) when it's her husband who is actually displaying abusive behaviour, not her.

Just because your husband was abusive, doesn't mean op is.

So verbal abuse and throwing stuff is ok if your spouse is annoying you. Got it.

Nope. Not what I said at all.

No, it's was not.

I do think the initial reaction to the lie was overboard. If my partner told me "your card hasn't arrived", that'd have been the end of the conversation and I don't think the interrogation was healthy.

But the "D"H was clearly and obviously abusive the next day and I think is a much bigger issue.

Oh do go away! He wasn't gaslighting her at all! I've been in a relationship where I was gas lit and a white lie about a card not being delivered is totally different to being gas lit where you feel like you can't even trust your own mind anymore, and wonder if you're going crazy, or in my case wonder if you have early onset dementia.

This sounds like such a stressful relationship. I suspect your partner panicked and lied because he’s scared of you.

I also wonder what your child is learning in regard to behaviours and relationships? It just all sounds very unhealthy.

Can anyone direct me to where he was abusive and threw flowers because that’s not in the original post at all and might be why we’re all on different pages here?

If you look at any post by an OP, there is a "see all" option, that will filter out all posts but the OP's.

This was one of her posts:

"Came up and fired flowers at me from our son and told me I’m mental and what he does has ‘fuck all to do me with’. Logging off now. Happy birthday to me."

Thank you, I’m quite new here and didn’t scroll through all the replies when I responded!

He drove himself to breaking point. All he had to do was say 'I forgot to get you a card, but I'll get you it when I duck out later'. All he had to do was say he forgot the card. That's all. His web of lies is what drove himself to breaking point. He did it to himself.

Yes, and the worst thing was, it was her BIRTHDAY! He carried on the argument from the previous day, and he woke her up, on her Birthday, hurling abuse and flowers. FFS, couldn't he have held fire and talked to her the day after her Birthday? No, she woke up on her Birthday to a shouting, abusive man. Charming. Yeah, Happy Birthday honey. What a prick!

And all because of his lie. And people are victim-blaming the OP? Just fuck off!

He shouts at, name-calls and throws things at her. I doubt he is even remotely afraid of her!

Web of lies! Ridiculous. He hasn’t been caught cheating here. He tried to avoid a scene about a card. Stupid but hardly worth kicking off over. This started with the OP’s issue. It spiralled and he acted dreadfully. TBH it all sounds hugely toxic.
One last thought. If her kids grow up and tell her white lies will she treat them like this?

Or maybe it’s just super easy not to tell lies about day to day things that don’t matter and can easily be discussed instead. The bar doesn’t have to be set so low.

Or maybe he just didn’t need to lie about such a day to day thing and could’ve easily discussed it openly instead. There is no need to set the bar so low.

Would you talk about a friend's birthday card or present until the day. He could have easily have gone to the shop to buy a card rather than putting him on the spot. The ops husband has bought her a bunch of flowers and talked about it.

Exactly - he asked!

“ I went very quiet and he asked why I had an attitude. I asked why he lied … He responded by getting angry.”

It was reasonable for you to react to a lie being told. It was reasonable for you to respond to a question being asked. It was not reasonable for him to be so rude to you during a situation that he created.

You “kicked off” about the behaviour, not the white lie.

I guess next time you could try dealing with it with sarcasm as an option “ah the old delay option, I see…”. Sounds like he’d prob get angry with you even then.