To ask PIL to speak English

[Helpamamma]

I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

PIL moved to this country over 50 years ago. Their first language is Italian though they both speak fluent English. Their kids also speak Italian - though English is their children's first language.

PIL prefer to speak Italian and that is how they talk amongst themselves and to their children. The majority of the conversations are in Italian unless they are directly speaking to me.

I have tried to learn Italian and understand a lot of vocabulary but not enough to follow a conversation or hold a conversation. It never used to bother me but they have recently moved close by so we see them very regularly. Things like asking what to feed our children will be in Italian so effectively not involving me at all.

It was pretty unbearable on Christmas Day when it was all Italian unless someone was directly speaking to me. I missed lots of jokes and the chance to contribute in any way to the conversation at the table. My husband’s siblings married into Italian families so their partners also speak fluently. When PIL are not present they do not speak Italian to each other or amongst themselves.

I am hosting a party on NYE and I am genuinely dreading it. I very much do not feel part of the family - my own parents and siblings live hours away. Am I being unreasonable to ask everyone to speak English as they are all fluent and I am the only one who can not understand Italian or do I just have to accept it and try harder to learn a new language.

Any views and advice welcome.

Yanbu and they are being extremely rude towards you

You aren’t being unreasonable however this won’t go down well. They already know they’re excluding you and they don’t care.

Sorry, I think you need to improve your Italian.

I think this is a great chance for you to learn Italian. Tbh I would be a bit upset if my partner didn't learn my language if we had different first languages. It's also excellent for the children to grow up bilingual and family occasions like this is a good time for them to learn and practice

Does your DH not ask them to? I would very much be directing my frustration towards him, he should be making an effort not exclude you.

I am divided. Are your children bilingual? I think it’s fine to speak Italian to immerse your DC but when it is just adults it should be English.

If they refused I would remove myself and go and watch a good movie with subtitles 😂

They see family get together as a chance to speak their native language. Especially if your children are to be raided bilingual you should be making more effort to learn

They sound very rude of them!

For everyone saying it's good for the children - OP hasn't even said if she has children

What language does your DH speak to them in while they're with you? If he just speaks English maybe that would half help or give a hint.

They can speak Italian, your DH can interpret. That's always how we've managed multi-lingual family/friends. It's up to your DH to make you feel included.

Or, if your Italian was better, everyone talks their own language. It's easier to listen than to talk so that way everyone is comfortable.

Or be British and expect everyone to speak your language all the time. But that doesn't typically go down very well.

You need to learn Italian.

None of the grandchildren are bilingual as their parents don't speak Italian at home. I have asked my husband to only speak Italian to us but as it's not his first language he says it doesn't feel natural.

I have taken classes and invested in Rosetta Stone but it really doesn't come easy to me.

Your house they speak English, their house Italian.

OP said: Things like asking what to feed our children will be in Italian so effectively not involving me at all.

Every other person in this scenario speaks English. OP has tried to learn Italian, but of course she's going to be nowhere near fluent, and Italian is a fast spoken language which is hard for novice to follow.

They have all either lived their whole lives or 50 years in England and their daughter in law is not fluent in Italian. And yet so far most posters are telling her it's down to her to understand them?

They're excluding her and it's rude and unkind.

Why?

The OP will be hosting in HER home.

Sorry, I think her guests need to improve their manners.

I'm a bit on the fence here. They should make more of an effort to include you by translating what's going on and to draw you into the conversation, but your husband could be doing that.
They're not going to remember to speak English all the time anyway. Italian is their family (mother) tongue and it comes naturally when they're all together.
They are excluding you but that's not to say it's as deliberate as some posters have implied. It's thoughtless.

I agree with @sweeneytoddsrazor I’m on the other side of this, Italian DC growing up in Italy, when we have U.K. family over it’s all in English. My DP doesn’t speak English but is so chuffed his DC is bilingual it doesn’t really bother him.

I think this is the difference in attitude between native Brits and other nationalities, when in the UK I used to get stared at for speaking Italian to my Italian DP, my mum got the same and a lot of tuts from my British grandparents, in Italy I speak English with my DC and everyone compliments us and says how lucky to grow up bilingual.

From the OP

Things like asking what to feed our children will be in Italian so effectively not involving me at all.

So they are all Italian and you’re complaining they don’t speak to you in English. You’ve married into this family. You should be having regular intensive Italian lessons so you can join in. The fault is yours.

I come from a family where our first language isn't English but my siblings and I have married people who don't speak our language (or not much anyway) and we always switch to English when they're around because we would feel rude knowing they can't understand.
So I think your in laws are being rude but also I don't think you can demand they only speak English.
I think i would get DH to translate everything which will probably be annoying and hopefully encourage them to speak more English!

Make it obvious you're using Google translate and butt into a conversation that's already passed, repeatedly.

Am I being unreasonable to ask everyone to speak English as they are all fluent and I am the only one who can not understand

Your husband should be the one to say that it will be an English speaking event. You are doing the hosting, and it's the least he can do to make sure that you are respected.