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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask PIL to speak English

246 replies

Helpamamma · 28/12/2024 18:13

I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

PIL moved to this country over 50 years ago. Their first language is Italian though they both speak fluent English. Their kids also speak Italian - though English is their children's first language.

PIL prefer to speak Italian and that is how they talk amongst themselves and to their children. The majority of the conversations are in Italian unless they are directly speaking to me.

I have tried to learn Italian and understand a lot of vocabulary but not enough to follow a conversation or hold a conversation. It never used to bother me but they have recently moved close by so we see them very regularly. Things like asking what to feed our children will be in Italian so effectively not involving me at all.

It was pretty unbearable on Christmas Day when it was all Italian unless someone was directly speaking to me. I missed lots of jokes and the chance to contribute in any way to the conversation at the table. My husband’s siblings married into Italian families so their partners also speak fluently. When PIL are not present they do not speak Italian to each other or amongst themselves.

I am hosting a party on NYE and I am genuinely dreading it. I very much do not feel part of the family - my own parents and siblings live hours away. Am I being unreasonable to ask everyone to speak English as they are all fluent and I am the only one who can not understand Italian or do I just have to accept it and try harder to learn a new language.

Any views and advice welcome.

OP posts:
Santaisinbedalready · 28/12/2024 18:29

Unless they include their host in the conversations they are rude bastards imo. Your dh needs to send messages before they arrive stating his dw isn't to be disrespected in this manner... Or they can stay away.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/12/2024 18:29

Be careful what you wish for op.

By that I mean there can be lots of jokes etc within a native language, there certainly is in English, a play on words, colloquialisms etc

Requesting that they converse in their second language and not natural for them as a family, even if they are fluent, will bring the whole 'jolliness' of the conversation down.

I remember once joining a crowd of people who were all laughing hysterically and had been for a while in their native language, when I joined it switched to English and was all very dull stilted conversation.

I don't want to do that to people tbh so from then on (it was husbands family) I stayed away from group chats but got on with all of them 121.

Santaisinbedalready · 28/12/2024 18:29

Meant to add otherwise they are treating you like staff....

Zanatdy · 28/12/2024 18:29

My ex and his family often spoke in their own language, my ex said it was disrespectful for him to speak to them in English. But his mum often did break into English as she realised I was not following the conversation. His dad didn’t speak too much English. It was a bit lonely I agree

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/12/2024 18:29

I’m a bit on the fence re the ILs, but your husband really needs to speak Italian to your children. Bilingualism is such an enormous gift. Especially with a country like Italy where it’s an enormous help to speak the language when visiting etc.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 28/12/2024 18:30

You're not keen to improve your Italian, they're keen to speak Italian when they get together. There's got to be some compromise, and I'd say that if you want to be in on the jokes, improve your Italian, otherwise give it the swerve and let them get on with it. If they ask where you are, be honest.

Jamlighter · 28/12/2024 18:30

They are rude. This is in England, it's your house and you are the host. It is bad mannered and deliberate. Your 'D'H should have a word and if they won't change don't host them NYE. You already did Christmas and were made to feel bad. Don't let the pattern continue any longer.

Snorlaxo · 28/12/2024 18:30

I think you need to learn more Italian and your partner’s family should speak more English around you. Even if you studied Italian, you need to hear Italians speak the language as well because people don’t usually communicate in the same way as formal books. (I don’t speak Italian but I’m bilingual)
It is rude to leave you out the whole time though.

Purgepossessions2025 · 28/12/2024 18:30

Helpamamma · 28/12/2024 18:25

None of the grandchildren are bilingual as their parents don't speak Italian at home. I have asked my husband to only speak Italian to us but as it's not his first language he says it doesn't feel natural.

I have taken classes and invested in Rosetta Stone but it really doesn't come easy to me.

Show quote history

This is a real waste that non of the next generation are not bilingual.

Quite an odd dynamic to be apart of if it is not for the next generation to benefit.

ShortyShorts · 28/12/2024 18:30

Alpinebar · 28/12/2024 18:27

So they are all Italian and you’re complaining they don’t speak to you in English. You’ve married into this family. You should be having regular intensive Italian lessons so you can join in. The fault is yours.

Are you one of these people who go abroad and refuse to speak the language, citing that everyone else should improve their English instead?

That's shockingly ignorant, and even more so if you choose to live in their country and visit the homes of natives who don't speak English well.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 28/12/2024 18:32

They are being very rude and arguably aggressive too. They should speak English unless everyone present speaks Italian. Especially their hosts!

saraclara · 28/12/2024 18:33

Alpinebar · 28/12/2024 18:27

So they are all Italian and you’re complaining they don’t speak to you in English. You’ve married into this family. You should be having regular intensive Italian lessons so you can join in. The fault is yours.

They all live in England, and they speak English. It is not up to OP to do any more than she already has in trying to learn Italian.

At the risk of sounding right wing (and I'm very much a liberal lefty) they live in England and have for a very long time (most of them born here). They can speak English. It is down to them to acknowledge and accommodate their daughter in law.

Ladybyrd · 28/12/2024 18:33

Not a PIL problem. A DH problem, or a lack of communication between the two of you. My partner doesn't speak English as a first language and his mother and family speak little to none. I rely on him to translate and involve me. There have been a couple of occasions when he seemed to think it was ok not to bother and it was miserable for me. You need to tell him to be more considerate. They probably revert to their native tongue without even thinking about it.

GritGoes4th · 28/12/2024 18:33

How long have you been married? Because this sounds like it has been a problem for years, and you really do need to redouble your efforts to learn this language. I know it's difficult and time consuming but it will be really rewarding for you and your dc.

If they are hosting, then I can understand why everyone is speaking Italian. They want to converse in their native language with their children and grandchildren.

But you are hosting the NYE party. In your home, you should not be excluded. Can dh law down the English-only rules?

Original poster
Helpamamma · 28/12/2024 18:33

Alpinebar · 28/12/2024 18:27

So they are all Italian and you’re complaining they don’t speak to you in English. You’ve married into this family. You should be having regular intensive Italian lessons so you can join in. The fault is yours.

No, my husband and his siblings are British- English being their first language (same as siblings partners) They are bilingual due to their parents speaking to them in Italian growing up.

PIL are Italian but both speak fluent English because they lived and worked in the uk for the vast majority of their lives.

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 28/12/2024 18:34

Their language is Italian and it’s their first language. You can reply in English and they can switch or continue Italian. Enjoy being in this environment and it will increase your language skills.

ironyisnotlost24 · 28/12/2024 18:35

They are fucking rude. End of story. If they can all speak English fluently then they are purposely excluding you and it's completely unacceptable in your own home.

My DP's native language is not English and whenever he and his brother are together they will speak in their native language as long as I am not in the room. The moment I'm there they switch to English, even mid-sentence, because they aren't arseholes.

Agree with others who say it's up to your DH to address it, and lay ground rules at the start of your event that he'd like them to speak English in your presence.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/12/2024 18:36

No, my husband and his siblings are British- English being their first language (same as siblings partners) They are bilingual due to their parents speaking to them in Italian growing up.

If their parents spoke to them in Italian growing up, then surely their 'first' language is Italian? Sure you'll learn English no school and that will take over, but it's not their first? (Or am I wrong?)

toooldforbrat · 28/12/2024 18:36

I had this same situation and same language / family set up. In laws never spoke English round me & I have very little relationship with them.

ShortyShorts · 28/12/2024 18:36

God I'm embarrassed for the amount of people on this thread who think it's ok go to another country and insist on speaking English, especially in other people's homes when you can easily speak their language - the language of the country you've chosen to live in.

Pinkissmart · 28/12/2024 18:37

EvelynBeatrice · 28/12/2024 18:19

Sorry, I think you need to improve your Italian.

This
You need a permanent fix, and improving your language skills would be it

romdowa · 28/12/2024 18:38

ShortyShorts · 28/12/2024 18:36

God I'm embarrassed for the amount of people on this thread who think it's ok go to another country and insist on speaking English, especially in other people's homes when you can easily speak their language - the language of the country you've chosen to live in.

Op , her dh and pil live in the UK?
Hth

saraclara · 28/12/2024 18:38

My DP's native language is not English and whenever he and his brother are together they will speak in their native language as long as I am not in the room. The moment I'm there they switch to English, even mid-sentence, because they aren't arseholes.

Likewise with my late father in law. He and his friends and relatives would speak Polish to each other, but swap to English as soon as any of us were present.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 28/12/2024 18:38

YANBU, it’s really rude to speak in a language which one person does not understand when everybody shares a common language. It would be even more rude to go to a party you are hosting at your home and speak in a language which excludes you. I do think a big part of the issue here is with your DH though, he should have spoken up years ago on your behalf and he should be modelling using English when you are with his family to help prompt his family, who probably fall into it naturally when altogether. I would say he is more of a problem here than your in-laws because he has let this go on for so long and presumably he must have known how you feel for years.

saraclara · 28/12/2024 18:40

ShortyShorts · 28/12/2024 18:36

God I'm embarrassed for the amount of people on this thread who think it's ok go to another country and insist on speaking English, especially in other people's homes when you can easily speak their language - the language of the country you've chosen to live in.

What are you on about? OP and everyone in this situation lives in England, most were born here, and only the PILs have ever lived in Italy.