To ask PIL to speak English

[Helpamamma]

I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

PIL moved to this country over 50 years ago. Their first language is Italian though they both speak fluent English. Their kids also speak Italian - though English is their children's first language.

PIL prefer to speak Italian and that is how they talk amongst themselves and to their children. The majority of the conversations are in Italian unless they are directly speaking to me.

I have tried to learn Italian and understand a lot of vocabulary but not enough to follow a conversation or hold a conversation. It never used to bother me but they have recently moved close by so we see them very regularly. Things like asking what to feed our children will be in Italian so effectively not involving me at all.

It was pretty unbearable on Christmas Day when it was all Italian unless someone was directly speaking to me. I missed lots of jokes and the chance to contribute in any way to the conversation at the table. My husband’s siblings married into Italian families so their partners also speak fluently. When PIL are not present they do not speak Italian to each other or amongst themselves.

I am hosting a party on NYE and I am genuinely dreading it. I very much do not feel part of the family - my own parents and siblings live hours away. Am I being unreasonable to ask everyone to speak English as they are all fluent and I am the only one who can not understand Italian or do I just have to accept it and try harder to learn a new language.

Any views and advice welcome.

Well I 'Hth' you too.

My point which flew over your head higher than a Boeing 747, is that that is obviously how these posters would behave if they decided to move to another country.

That wasn't your point at all. At least admit that you misunderstood the OP, because you're just embarrassing yourself at this point.

I've leared my inlaw's language and we only speak in that, it's not a particularly useful language for anything other than speaking to my wife's family. It will be a huge blessing to your (future) kids if they are brought up speaking multiple languages.

OP said the grandchildren weren’t raised as bilingual so it’s not a permanent fix unless every child is raised knowing Italian. It’s just kicking the can down the road.

Another one who can't quite grasp the fact that when you move to another country, can speak the language of that country, you should do so in the homes of the people who live there 🙄

All the people saying the the PILs are not rude and the OP (despite living in England) should be speaking Italian in her own home, would therefore be the ignorant ones if they moved to another country.

I can't really put it in plainer words?

sorry - I think I misunderstood - the way I first read this was I thought you were agreeing that the OP should learn Italian, but it seems not.

I think there should probably be compromise on both sides when people don't all speak the same language

You should be embarrassed to be unable to understand I simply switched the situation around.

It's not hard to keep up if you try.

Yes!

Jesus Christ 🤦‍♀️

And I'm embarrassed for those who think they're not ignorant, as I assume those who think they're fine, would be the ignorant Brits abroad - who think everyone should Speeeek Engerliiiiish

ETA: The post I was actually replying to, because since the edit it doesn't make sense.

CheeseNPickle3·Original·Today 18:43
So are you embarrassed for the PIL who have moved to the UK and insist on speaking Italian in other people's homes when they can easily speak English - the language of the country they've chosen to live in?

It's monumentally rude to move to another country and not to expect to use that country's language as the default, unless you are only in the company of people who are also fluent in your own language.

This applies just as much to non-English speakers moving to live in Britain as the other way around. Even within Britain: people whose first language is Welsh or Gallic understand and accept that they will have to use English by default in most circumstances.

I'd understand if they'd only been here a few months and still found the language difficult; but they're grandparent age and have been here for more than half of their lives.

It might be nice for you to step up your Italian learning, but you aren't the one who has made the active choice to relocate to another country with a different language for the rest of your life.

If Grandchildren are in this environment too, then they will pick up Italian.

This is massively rude of them. They speak fluent English, they know you don’t speak Italian, and they’re having whole conversations knowing that you can’t understand them.

I agree; this seems like the best solution.

Absolutely cannot believe the people who think it's acceptable to deliberately and knowingly exclude someone from conversation. Regardless of if its a family member, friend, colleague, stranger - it's rude! When there are multiple languages at play, yes sometimes people lap into side conversations in that language, or may lapse into that language momentarily - all fine and to be expected, but to deliberately exclude OP is just bloody rude. It's not about the language, it's about the fact they are deliberately and knowingly excluding someone from conversation to their face.

Maybe they will, but imagine making the active decision not to communicate effectively with your own grandchildren (even if you don't care about your DIL) - just because they only speak one of the two languages in which you're fully fluent and you arbitrarily choose to use the other one instead of the common one.

They won't use Italian when they go to shops or phone a call centre; nor would they have used it at work (even if they'd run an Italian restaurant, most of their customers wouldn't have spoken it fluently) or when talking to their children's teachers when they were at school.

They sound very selfish to me.

I would ask DH to ensure he only speaks in English for your event, hopefully everyone else will do the same.

Even within Britain: people whose first language is Welsh or Gallic understand and accept that they will have to use English by default in most circumstances.

That was meant to say at the end 'if they choose/have to move to England', or even to a predominantly English-speaking part of their own nation.

This. They are very rude.

I think there should probably be compromise on both sides when people don't all speak the same language

But they do all speak the same language. Everyone here speaks fluent English. Most of them were born and grew up in England.

They are excluding you but also their grandchildren. Your DH and siblings have English as their first language. So the only people for whom it is helpful to speak Italian for is dh's parents, as its probably easier for them although they are able to speak English.
The majority have English as their first or only language and the remainder can converse in English, so that should be the default option when OP and or grandchildren are present.

The PILs are in the company of people who are fluent in their language (their family) in their own home though except for the OP. They probably want to keep their language going amongst their children, don’t have much opportunity to speak it to them and I see no issue with that. They can speak English fluently and fully function in UK society so I don’t think it’s wrong that they speak their own language at home. I assume they rarely see OP’s DH without her so should they never be able to speak their language to their own son?

I really think the OP should make more effort to learn the language to be able to be involved with that side of the family if it bothers her. They don’t seem to be deliberately excluding her by only speaking their language, they speak English to her as well, and she knew their heritage before she married into it.

I agree. My mother is not a native English speaker. She's fluent. But I wouldn't dream of asking her to speak only English to her family/friends around me. Asking her to express herself in a way that is least comfortable, so I can understand someone else's conversation is rude.

However, asking them to use English to you is fine.

Get DH to remind them. It is rude, rspecially in your home.

I agree

It’s easily resolvable OP - just get your husband to interpret when you’re present. It will soon appear awkward & tiresome and they will switch to English. When your not about ofcourse they chat in Italian again, it’s a great opportunity for you kids to experience part of their fathers culture x

So only her comfort matters?

Hopefully she's got better manners than to continue to speak her own language, rather than the native language of the country she's chosen to live in, if she knows people don't understand.

There's a time and a place.