To think SIL should have checked with us before putting us down as carers for her son in her will?

[BillHadersNewWife]

Is it usual to ask before putting someone down as preferred guardian for your child??

DH informed me that sil told him she had asked her son who he wanted to take care of him if she died and he chose us...I mean...that's a huge ask isnt it?

Am I a complete bitch for thinking oh hell no! Honestly I didn't say much to DH but in my heart, I really don't want that responsibility. But I know dh would. So ...I suppose I'm just meant to accept it?

I think most people would ask yes, but at the same time I can't imagine many people would say no to looking after their neices/nephews if their siblings died unexpectedly.

My sister chose me and I hate to say it but my dh wouldn’t get to say no to it. Luckily we’ve not had that issue.

YANBU but the chance of it happening is really slim, and even then you could still say no. I’d expect to have to take in DHs nephews and nieces though if it did ever come to it.

You and DH need to discuss this first and then raise any concerns with her - it's possible to love a person and care about their well being, but also not want to be primarily responsible for them.

Yes she should have asked, but I don't know anyone who would say no.

Is your DH ok with it? The chances of both parents dying a pretty slim so I wouldn’t over react about it

You cannot take away DHs right to choice.

Really?
I think lots of people might say no, and they shouldn't be made to feel guilt for it. Not asking first is also incredibly disrespectful.

She should have asked but maybe it's better that she didn't, given that it sounds like it would have driven a wedge between you and it's highly unlikely to happen.

It's fine to not want to but when you consider the realities of a little boy growing up in a care facility where abuse may or may not be happening, I don't think you can deprive him of his uncle's care.

My brother and I have this reciprocal arrangement with our children. I'm not actually sure my husband knows about it - I may have mentioned it in passing - but if something were to happen to my brother and his wife, I'd prioritise their children in any event.

It’s not legally binding

Yes, she should ask and your DH and you should discuss it between you before he gives an answer.

Yes she should have checked. It is a huge ask.

We found out at a family gathering that ALL the siblings had listed us. I made a joke that there’s now way they’re ever to all travel together as we would end up with 10 kids as well as our own!

It would have been nice to be asked but in all honesty how many would say no?

DH informed me that sil told him she had asked her son who he wanted to take care of him if she died and he chose us

and what did your DH reply to her, @BillHadersNewWife ?

She absolutely should have checked...it is a huge ask and would be life-changing. I'd also want to know she had life insurance in place!

I don't know how anyone could say no though.

Assuming his uncle would automatically want to do this.
There may also be other family members who could step up, so the child would not necessarily end up in care.

The reason it should be discussed first is because there are likely financial implications which may have been addressed in the Will too. However, it’s very hard to have an honest conversation as it’s such an emotive topic. The chances of it happening is very very rare.

When my husband died I had to rewrite my will. I asked my sister & brother in law if I could put them down as carers for my little boy. Thankfully they love my son as much as I do and they didn’t hesitate to agree. However I wouldn’t dream of not asking first especially as they had raised their family already.

Oh no he has a choice. Just not whether I’d have my nephews or not.

That’s all my choice. I would never let my dns end up in the care system.

I would have been a guardian for my nieces and nephews, we’d had the conversation with my brother and wife. However, when I asked my other SIL and her husband if they would be guardians, they said they wouldn’t have been able to look after our disabled child.

Although sad, we appreciated their honesty.

Thankfully, my children are all adults so never became an issue. (Whole new set of concerns having a disabled adult child).

I’m amazed anyone would make a will without having a full and frank discussion as a family.

Yes, she should have asked.

I think more people quietly say no to this kind of thing than many actually realise.

We asked SIL first before putting her and BIL as preferred guardians in our Will, but no idea if there is a legal requirement to do so. They now have DC but they’ve not asked us to be guardians in return.

It takes a cold heart to watch a family member get taken into care or be put up for adoption if you have the means to take them on. I’d take any of my nieces and nephews without question from my side or DPs family.

I don't know what's usual, but among my 4 siblings, we all asked the relevant person.
My brother asked if I would take care of his 3 boys. That's a big deal and if it would have been the end of my own marriage and the stable life of my own 2 sons then I would have declined.
I made sure his Will ensured they were financially taken care of as I have a small home and would not be able to upside myself.
I think you need to have a mature and honest conversation before making such massive decisions.