To think SIL should have checked with us before putting us down as carers for her son in her will?

[BillHadersNewWife]

Is it usual to ask before putting someone down as preferred guardian for your child??

DH informed me that sil told him she had asked her son who he wanted to take care of him if she died and he chose us...I mean...that's a huge ask isnt it?

Am I a complete bitch for thinking oh hell no! Honestly I didn't say much to DH but in my heart, I really don't want that responsibility. But I know dh would. So ...I suppose I'm just meant to accept it?

I don't think this is fair.

We've had situations recently in our family where this has come up. One was a death, but the other parent took the children on in the end.

The other is regarding a baby, neither parent is capable, baby is currently being cared for by a grandparent, but adoption is looking likely.

It's an awful situation and easy to say "I would do x,y and z"; until it's a reality. Taking on someone else's child/ children is a HUGE life changing decision. My in-laws decided that they couldn't do it and needed to put their own children first and I don't think this makes them cold-hearted.

Of course she should have asked. It's a massive thing. A low chance of it happening, but a huge impact if it does.

We discussed in detail with a friend of ours the ins and outs of being our DCs' guardian and made financial provision not just for them but for her too.

I wouldn't have been eager to take on any children if I'd had to, but I still would have done.

Yes, they should have asked.

My DB and partner are childless by choice, so I asked them their thoughts when I was doing my will. They did agree wholeheartedly, but I told them if it was a no that would be absolutely their right and I understood.

Agree with this.

Would I upend my life to take in my nieces and nephews if they were orphaned? Yes. I mean, that's a life-changing event for everyone involved. I accept that it would change my life, too.

But that should be thought about, agreed and planned in a wider family - it has been in ours. Of course you and dh should discuss it. If you would say no to taking in an orphaned family member, that needs to clarified now. So that in the event of a tragedy, there is a clear plan in place that the child knows about.

Yes, of course SIL should ask and you should be given the opportunity to say no.

🫣. We had the situation where my BIL wanted us to have a reciprocal arrangement so we would take his son and he would take DS.

We had no problem with the prospect of taking his son, but the thought of DS being parented by my SIL was too horrendous to contemplate!

DS is adopted and lets just say she had "views" on adoption and frequently said that DS should be so grateful for being adopted by us and as a result be perfectly behaved, so when he wasn't perfectly behaved he was therefore ungrateful.

He was 4 at the time she said this. Still dealing with the huge feelings and emotions around going into care in the first place. Being grateful was the least of it!

I am not sure sure she knew about her DH's conversation with us, as I think she would have been equally horrified at the prospect of having to have our DS 😱.

We didn't ask first, but mainly because we actually hadn't twigged that it would come up in our Will writing appointment

However, we didn't get round to writing Wills until DS2 was 14 and DS1 19, so the chances of it actually happening was fairly slim.

We chose SIL as she has children the same age as DS2, rather than my brother who has very young children. Thankfully she was happy with the arrangement!

And an orphaned child potentially being put into the care system would be a pretty major change for them, so most people with a shred of decency would suck it up, no?

We asked before we made it official. But it's not legally binding anyway. A person has the right to say no.

But if your dh wants to that's his choice you can also make your choice. But given it's unlikely to happen it's probably more a worry about it at the time thing.

I discussed this with my DH when my brother and SIL asked us to be named guardians for their children. It's a huge responsibility, albeit one I hope we'll never be called upon to fulfil.

It sounds as though your DH has other close family members so it's not as though it's a choice between you and the woeful state care system. So yes, it would be better to discuss.

You're jumping to assume it's them or care though, when there might be other family members who could equally step up and provide care.
I wish people would realise that it just isn't always possible for some people to accommodate other people's children, for practical or other reasons.
It's also polite to actually ask!

She should have discussed it. We were stuck with who we would put down to look after our DCs. Wouldn't want BIL / SIL, close friends always had too much on their plate with their own DC. So we didn't get round to it.
They have thankfully made it to adulthood so its not an issue now.

Why would you not ask your eldest son?

And the words she wrote were accurate.

He gets no choice over HER decision.

He can of course make his own decision.

But he gets no choice over whether or not SHE takes in her niece's and nephews.

Which is the case for all couples, including the OP. It's nice to make the choice together, but in reality it's an individual decision.

But I think that was perfectly clear really.

I’ve been asked by two of my siblings and DH’s sibling to take their children if something happened. Of course I said yes, saying no is pretty impossible, on DH’s side, DH and I are literally the child’s only other relatives apart from very old grandparents.

And of course wouldn’t be as straightforward as having a lovely niece or nephew come stay. They’d be grieving and uprooted and have all the trauma that goes along with it. I’d like to think I’d just suck it up and get on with it, but I can totally understand why some people wouldn’t be able to.

So you've asked them all and they've said they say yes?

no way would I take my SIL’s kids. The will isn’t legally binding

PP has already replied to me. No need to speak on her behalf. 👍

Given what you've said, why do you say no-one could day no?

Have the legalities been completed then OP or is your comment based purely on the fact that the child stated he wanted to live with you and your DH when asked by his mum?

Or the opposite.

Being a guardian is not necessarily the same as being the carer.

I didn't expect my mother (because of DDs specific needs) to raise DD if anything happened to me, but I did name her as guardian because i could trust her to watch out for DD's interests, handle the money honestly, and maintain a close relationship. But not do the day to day parenting.

Happily it was never needed!

If I had to look after my grandchildren DH wouldn't get a choice.

Social Services will always look for a kinship carer before any other options anyway.

I was slightly put out when I discovered DB hadn’t made me guardian for my adored nieces and nephew. Chances are vanishingly slim so it’s not something to worry about.

And, yes, if it were ever a choice between caring for my grieving orphaned children in my family or an unsupportive spouse, the children would win without question.