To think SIL should have checked with us before putting us down as carers for her son in her will?

[BillHadersNewWife]

Is it usual to ask before putting someone down as preferred guardian for your child??

DH informed me that sil told him she had asked her son who he wanted to take care of him if she died and he chose us...I mean...that's a huge ask isnt it?

Am I a complete bitch for thinking oh hell no! Honestly I didn't say much to DH but in my heart, I really don't want that responsibility. But I know dh would. So ...I suppose I'm just meant to accept it?

I would speak directly to my brother and expect that he would discuss with his partner and they could have a conversation together.

I also would not be willing to say no to such a request from my brother, it would be a deal breaker for me if my partner asked me to.

My brother was my first friend, is still my best friend, the constant in my entire life. I wouldn't have the same open conversations with his (lovely) partner that I would have with him, I also would be leaving my children to HIS care, regardless of whether he had a partner or not. The conversation is with him.

Good for you.
OP still gets a say.

Good for her.

Eh? Your comment makes no sense.
We're you trying to be clever?

Yes, OP gets a say. Good for her.

Her husband ultimately has the decision of whether he agrees to take in his sisters children or not.

If OP's say on this hypothetical issue is "no" I wouldn't be surprised if husband and the rest of his family think very differently about OP.

Hypothetically, he could say no because OP didn't want to, OP ends up divorcing him and his sisters children are already in care.

If they're a partnership they both get a say. Let's also not pretend that the male will be doing most of the parenting.

I thought it was normal to name a sibling in your will?
At the heart of this would be a child who has lost both parents and family has been asked to step in.
If my brother and his wife died, I should imagine we would all want to take our niece in - my sister, her sister and myself. We wouldn't want her to go to strangers or be brought up estranged from us.

If you read through the replies you'll see you're imaginings are not quite on the ball.

It's a huge deal and she very definitely should have checked with you. Absolutely, cannot be argued that it's not something you discuss first.

Many, many, many people couldn't do it, for all sorts of reasons. Your DH doesn't get to decide, of course. He can decide for himself, but not for you.

Anyway, I am wondering, would he be expecting YOU to do the lioness's share of parenting/caring?

Even if not, are you supposed to just smile and accept such an enormous hypothetical alteration to the rest of your life, with zero input from you.

Er, no. Of course not. The will/finances/expectations must and should be discussed and you are an absolutely normal person for wanting to do this.

When my kids were young (they're all in their mid to late 20s now) we named one of my ex husband's brothers and his wife and asked them if that was ok. We explained what we'd want for our kids, and left them financially covered in that event by adding them to the will. We wrote everything down and ran it past them, just in case.

I'd look after any of he kids in our family, if it came to it, but you might not be able to for all kinds of reasons and you might not be the only option either.

It's certainly not your SIL or your husband's right, morally or legally, to try to bulldoze you into something of such magnitude. A conversation MUST be had if she wants to put this huge responsibility on you.

Of course, the chances are it will never happen, so you could just think "Nope" and let it go, knowing you would never agree to it if push came to shove.

More concerning, perhaps, is the way your SIL and husband appear not to care at all about your feelings on the subject.

It's not legally enforceable. Two of my siblings have me down as the proposed guardian for their kids in their wills, despite asking me and being told no (I grew up in a chaotic, dysfunctional household with abusive parents, and spent my childhood parenting my siblings - as an adult, I chose to have no kids).

I don't really care if others find that selfish. It worries me that, knowing I don't want to do it, two of my siblings assume that they can override me and have therefore spent no time trying to identify or work with another person instead. But that's their business, I suppose.

LisaD1 · 28/12/2024 09:17

We found out at a family gathering that ALL the siblings had listed us. I made a joke that there’s now way they’re ever to all travel together as we would end up with 10 kids as well as our own

Bloody hell!

Most would ask, but what would happen if you and your dh didn’t take them?

Two of my siblings have me down as the proposed guardian for their kids in their wills, despite asking me and being told no

What? They asked you, you said no, they did it anyway and have told you that’s what they did? What did you tell them then?

Yep. I asked who they'd selected, out of curiosity, and they said they'd gone with me. They said that they "know" if it came to it, I'd have to step up.

I said that I'd made my feelings very clear and that their will is their expression of their wishes, not a legally binding document, and that they were therefore taking an enormous risk by naming me in circumstances where I'd told them clearly no. They just shrugged and said "that's not how it works" and that they know I'd "have to do it" if they died.

As I say, they could've spent some time identifying someone else but decided that it'd be easier to just deny reality instead. But I guess they seem me as a de-facto parent because of our upbringing, so it's difficult for them to accept that I can refuse to take on a parental role.

She should have definitely asked and it's a big thing to put on someone, especially if you don't like kids or chose not to have them yourself. I certainly would not take my husband's nephews if it ever came to that but luckily he has another sister who can deal with it.

That's incredibly shitty of them to do, "they know you will just have to take it on." What a couple of twats. I would definitely be telling them regularly that you will not do it and they should find someone else who actually wants the job.

You're not alone in that. I don't give a fuck if people judged me, I would never take on someone else's child. I didn't have my own kids bc I don't like kids, anybody thinking I would be a good fit to take their kids in such a scenario is clearly not a fit parent in the first place. It is 100% not a legally binding document and having made no alternative arrangements is just irresponsible on their part.

Same.

No. Godparents are supposed to spiritually guide the child. Guardianship is a completely different concept.

@InterIgnis agree. People who don’t want kids (childfeee by choice etc) won’t suddenly love being parents cause family. Is it better the child to feel unwanted while grieving with ‘family’ or in an alternative arrangement? I’d think the latter would be much better than feeling like a burden day in day out

In both the instances where we have been asked if we'd take care of friends' children there are siblings in the families... who have very different parenting styles/views on life/beliefs and attitudes to them. Both sets of friends get on fine with the siblings but don't want their children to be brought up by them.

I think then that you have to ask yourself if you are prepared to fight it out in family court. It means opening up the whole family, grandparents etc to assessments by SS. You can name who you want, but if it isn't blood relatives, then assessments will take place. The most common scenario of both parents dying is on holiday, or in a car accident. The school etc have to contact SS, who use the legal definition of family, to hand the child/ren over to. It's usually asked if someone can stay in the home with them and their routine carry on, until assessments are done. It's lovely to think you'd take in a friend's child, but could your other half possibly parent your children solo while it's all getting finalised? The ideal is that there's an amount of money set aside so unpaid emergency leave can be taken.

@Ponoka7 Both sets of friends have had full and frank conversations with grandparents and siblings. Grandparents on all sides are too old to care for the children through to adulthood, and siblings are not in a place to do so. Everyone involved knows the arrangement and is happy with it. Continuing the current levels and type of contact with family is something the parents have asked that we would do, and of course we agreed.
Neither set of siblings would contest the parents' wishes. And the children (who are now all teens) wouldn't want to go to the siblings either. Plus the fact the siblings are all over 100 miles away so would mean uprooting the kids.

It has all been thoroughly thought through and openly discussed with EVERYONE involved/potentially affected, as it should be. And reviewed every few years to sense check the plan.

We don't have DC, so that's not a consideration. And continuation of the affected kids' routines and lives has been the main factor in NOT choosing family members. Financial provision is in place.