To think SIL should have checked with us before putting us down as carers for her son in her will?

[BillHadersNewWife]

Is it usual to ask before putting someone down as preferred guardian for your child??

DH informed me that sil told him she had asked her son who he wanted to take care of him if she died and he chose us...I mean...that's a huge ask isnt it?

Am I a complete bitch for thinking oh hell no! Honestly I didn't say much to DH but in my heart, I really don't want that responsibility. But I know dh would. So ...I suppose I'm just meant to accept it?

But in this case it's the child who has decided. Who the hell let's a child make such a decision?

I think people say no when it’s an abstract concept, thinking of themselves and their lifestyles. But if it actually happened, there are very few people who would say no.

I really do understand but...
My oldest dearest friend who along with her DH have health issues asked me the very same thing...

Her DC are my godchildren and were much younger than mine..I love them very much..
I said yes straight away and it was all legalized..

I thought about it occasionally but it was never a source of huge anxiety..

But I'm relieved now that my friend is still very much alive and her dcs are adults..

I agree you should have been asked though..it was a privilege for me that I was chosen but a relief it wasn't needed...

Yes, they should have discussed that with you first.

In reality, these things are only an expression of the parents’ wishes, they aren’t legally binding. You can’t be forced to accept regardless of what the parents wanted. If there isn’t an immediately obvious next of kin willing to step up, then the family courts will ultimately make a decision about where the child should be placed.

I'm not convincing myself though - it's not selfish to be honest about what you are willing or capable of doing. There's a whole host of reasons why someone may not be able to accept responsibility for someone else's children, despite caring about them. Having witnessed thr gradual grinding down of a kinship carer person know, over many years, I would advise anyone to think very carefully about what they are committing to.

Quite! (Like being appointed executor of an estate in a will, you can decline the appointment).

I agree with this. Neither of us have brothers or sisters but we are a friends chosen guardian for her children. But I would be disappointed in my husband if he said no. It would change my opinion of the kind man I married.

This attitude must be a real red flag for your DH (if your attitude comes across as anything like on this thread)

I read the words she wrote.

Even if you had your own children? Don't you think your own kids would have lifelong struggles if bringing your orphaned family into your own broke up their own stable family life? Maybe if you were literally the only people who could take the orphans it might be different but that's unlikely.
This isn't just a question to you, but to others who are saying the same.

When I said yes to friend but that I would need to check with DW, I already knew that DW wouldn’t hesitate to say yes also. I found it comforting to know we’re always on the same page with the ‘big’ things in life.

I have been asked similar - through my husbands siblings partner - and we said no, we’re not close and she has her own siblings to ask - 4 of them in fact. We have our own family and children and do not want to take on extra responsibility, I know people will say it’s unlikely to happen & yes it is - but it still could - I wouldn’t accept it.
If it were my own siblings child then maybe as we are so much closer.
I do not think most people would say yes at all.
Op - ask to be removed, say it’s too big a responsibility & you do not agree to it, she had no right to put you down without asking - does she not have any direct siblings/cousins of her own to ask?

It's not selfish to be honest about your feelings. It's selfish to refuse to take in an orphaned relative because it might upset your present lifestyle a little.

You’re right. What I should have put is it would make no difference to me if he said no. They’d still be with me and he’d have to decide on his next steps.

So it’s not much of a choice really!

Are you actually in the will, or did your nephew just express you as his preference?

If you are in the will, then they should ask first.

Some people would still say no, for a whole host of reasons. We wouldn't have had the space to take my sibling's children when they were young enough to need support. They also lived far away. The kids may have chose us but other relatives were a more practical option, in terms of space and location.

Our friends apparently discussed it with the eldest as they thought them old enough, and it was the kid who asked if we could be an option. Parents then chatted some more together and for various reasons chose us over family members… then asked us.
I thought it perfectly reasonable to check with a child old enough to have an opinion.
Our child was a baby when we did wills so didn’t get a say … but luckily we have Dsibs willing and able to step up if it came to it so it was a one issue .

@fairydust11 I assumed the DH was brother of SIL

But she did ask you said she spoke to your husband and said that’s who my son wants to be looked after at that point if your husband as in her brother didn’t want to do it he could’ve said something so he was asked it was up to her brother your husband to tell you and maybe say let me ask my wife first before you do anything but since he hasn’t done that then he was asked

I know of a situation where the mother died of cancer (sadly the father had also passed away a few years before)

During her treatment her sister promised her she would take care of her son - she already had a son similar age. Her husband was supportive. Sadly once she passed away regardless of what had been put in any will or said before - her Mum got custody with support of the husband family also. We all surprised as we knew what had been discussed ….until we caught up with the sister she never intended to take care of her nephew she couldn’t possibly do it - in fact she was cold about the whole thing we all shocked.
We don’t know all the facts as to why - and until the situation actually presents itself how do we know how we will actually react and go forward with.

It's not selfish.
It's also not just upsetting your lifestyle, it's a major change.

So, reading your post again OP - it sounds as if this IS just at the asking stage, right!?
And nothing wrong with that. Discuss it with your DH but I wouldn’t be happy if my DW told me I couldn’t be a guardian to my DN if the very worst happened …