To think SIL should have checked with us before putting us down as carers for her son in her will?

[BillHadersNewWife]

Is it usual to ask before putting someone down as preferred guardian for your child??

DH informed me that sil told him she had asked her son who he wanted to take care of him if she died and he chose us...I mean...that's a huge ask isnt it?

Am I a complete bitch for thinking oh hell no! Honestly I didn't say much to DH but in my heart, I really don't want that responsibility. But I know dh would. So ...I suppose I'm just meant to accept it?

Conversations amongst my family and friends have cropped us regularly yes, given that my sister fosters 4 children from her DHs family who came from a terrible upbringing. So yeah, the conversation has happened many times on what a wonderful job she's doing and how if any of us were put in that situation we would do it in a heartbeat for our brother or sisters children. So yeah. But cheers for the comment.

I don’t think many would say no, you just hope it would never happen. I certainly wouldn’t see a nephew or niece of mine go into care if they lost their parents and you’d be pretty awful if you would.

Social services may seek a carer, but a potential carer can decline, and they don't owe anyone an explanation.

You have misunderstood the role
It isnt to be the carer but to be a guardian and make a decision as to what is best for the child at the time

Paula Yates famously named her accountant who made the decision that the child went to Bob Geldof

Again, it might not be you/OP or care - there might well be other family, or even close friends, who would take on the responsibility.

YABU. You can always say no. Just because it's in their will doesn't mean you have a legal obligation to care for their son. You can simply decline and let social services etc do what they'd do if there was no one named in the will.

They can decline but they would be asked. It doesn't need to be in a will is what i meant.

I don’t mind 🤷‍♀️ I’m pleased it wasn’t just me who was able to explain to you. No margin for error and all that.

It's isn't legally binding its just to give some sort of guidance to the court in the event of her death. You can refuse at any point and if she put someone else's name down but then died and your nephew said "But I want to live with uncle Bob" then that could still be allowed to happen as what is in the child's best interests would be chosen. So in that situation can you be sure your dh would want to refuse? Who would look after him if you and your dh didn't?

Anyway, not sure there is anything to be gained by telling everyone you won't look after him now, it will just upset everyone. Hopefully his mother won't die until he is an adult and he will be spared the upset of you declining to care for him. You should probably have a serious discussion with your dh about it though so you both know where you stand.

I didn't say they couldn't be asked.
I said they could decline when asked.

Who says she is? Sounds like she would just prioritise the child - which is her right (and likely fair enough in the circumstances that both the child’s parents died!). How her DH responds to that is his right.

You weren't able to explain anything though, read pp's replies to me, especially the second one.

I'm not speaking on her behalf.

I'm speaking for clarity.

Anyway, after much discussion you're now on the same page as the rest of us were after reading her initial post, so all's well that ends well!

What she means is if DH said no then he’d be gone.

Again, pp has already replied (twice).
No need to speak for her.

Not speaking for her, replying to you. Usually the way it works on these threads.

No need to reply, pp's replies were sufficient.

She can only request this not make you do it. I’d just forget about it for the foreseeable. If DH wants to take on the children and you don’t it will be a big deal between you and best faced when it is actually happens, which it probably won’t.

Thank you for your reply letting me there was no need to reply (even though it is my right to reply). I look forward to your reply to this too 😆.

Of course she should have asked.

She’s thinking it won’t happen, and she’s right, but that’s not the point.

I had to think really hard and make life tweaks to say yes when I was asked.

It would be a huge shock in your life OP if this happened, but realistically would you decline? Talk to your DH and work out together what he's going to say.

Why would someone be “pretty awful” if they didn’t take in their nieces or nephews. Say for example a child free by choice couple? If they don’t want children or their own, why should they now have something even worse than that ….children of someone else.

Probably polite to ask but not really something i could say no to if it actually happened so not much point in saying no to the hypothetical and unlikely situation either.

Do i want to look after my BILs kids if they died, no. Do i understand it would be a tragedy and i would help dh and nephews in anyway i could, yes. Also if my

Op, you need to remember that he isn’t simply your SILs son. He’s your husbands nephew. So she has every right to put him down as a carer for her son. You marry into a family when you marry someone.
If you have a problem with family looking out for family then you should have thought twice before you got married

My marriage would be over if the actual event materialised and my DH said no. It isn't the type of person I would commit my life to nor the type of person I would want to be.