To think SIL should have checked with us before putting us down as carers for her son in her will?

[BillHadersNewWife]

Is it usual to ask before putting someone down as preferred guardian for your child??

DH informed me that sil told him she had asked her son who he wanted to take care of him if she died and he chose us...I mean...that's a huge ask isnt it?

Am I a complete bitch for thinking oh hell no! Honestly I didn't say much to DH but in my heart, I really don't want that responsibility. But I know dh would. So ...I suppose I'm just meant to accept it?

And I think a lot more people are listed in wills as Guardians than they realise

'My DH wouldn't get to say no to it' - your exact words.

Same, hell would freeze over before I turned my neices or nephews away...and that would include those on DH side.
BUT you should be asked really if its going down officially.

It would have been nice if she’d asked 1st but would you have said no?? What would their alternatives be - realistically.
Also - not legally binding. It’s their wishes but you don’t have to say yes.
We’re guardians for close friends kids, and it would be a massive change for our life if it happened, but the chances are slim and we would absolutely do it!

I have a ‘foster’ aunt. Her parents died when she was 12 and there were no relatives, so my granny and grandad took her in raised her alongside my auntie A, her best friend at school. She’s as much a member of our family as any of my other aunts and uncles, and she and auntie A are still
as close as sisters 50 odd years later. Not sure where she would have gone - into the care system? She a very happy, successful woman who’s dedicated her life to working in a charity.

Yes, she should have asked.
We are listed in 2 separate sets of friends' wills as chosen guardians for their children. Both know about the other arrangement and know that they'd need to find an alternative in the event that we have to take on the others' children.

Both review the arrangement every 5 years or so, checking with us that we're still happy. And - at our request- once the children were old enough (12/14), they were also asked whether they were happy with the arrangement too.

Sounds like you need to talk to your husband @BillHadersNewWife . Have to say though, if my husband felt like that about us being guardian to our nephews and niece I'd have gone ahead without him and, if it had come eto it, dropped his sorry arse.

Why your 'hell no' reaction? Bit extreme. Do you not like your nephew much?

You are assuming that the other parent is in the picture.
I have a friend who is a single parent and has stage 4 cancer. The other parent left when the youngest child was a couple of weeks old and has not been part of their lives since.

Agree with this. If my husband was selfish enough to decide he would rather have an orphaned relative put into care than take them in, I wouldn't want him to be my husband any longer.

Of course she should have asked.
And as far 'surely everyone would do that' goes, erm no. And my sibling is the last person on the planet I would want caring for my child.
It's unlikely to happen OP so I wouldn't stress but I wouldn't be happy about it either.

A bit of an assumption.
The SIL said the child chose them, not that they're the only potential guardians.

It's not selfish, especially if there are potentialky other family who could step up.

My bro and sis in law have refused to be guardians for ky disabled son if I die. My mum would but isn't physically able. There is no one else except my older son and id never ask him. Looks like I'll have to live forever

Is your DH ok with it?
If I were in a situation where both of my niece or nephews parents had died, I would take any of them no question. And if my DH didn't like it I would choose the orphaned children over him.

There are usually a few other options before a child would need to go into the care system.

My sister said no... it wouldn't work with her lifestyle.
My sister in law just refused to answer on 3 occasions so that was clearly a no too.
I guess neither had children of their own at that point but both almost 30.
Still makes me a little sad thinking about it. Fortunately DD is 25 now.

I read the poster as saying it is her choice whether or not to care for her nephews and in turn her husband has a choice to remain with her or leave.

Of course she should've checked. For hers and her DCs sake as much as yours. This is the sort of decision where you need all relevant information.

She's obviously told you.

Yes it would be nice to be asked but as it's a preference rather than a legally binding order even if asked and you said no she could still state that preference (in the hope you change your mind).

You can still be made legal guardians without the preference stated in will.

You can keep convincing yourself it's not selfish behaviour, but it is. The parents would have chosen DH and I because they thought we would be the best people for the job, and the people the children would be most comfortable with.

That's hard but at least you know where you stand now. Perhaps your older son would actually do it, despite you not wanting to ask.

Is he particularly awful? Or would you say it about any kid?

Same! Presumably she hasn’t just chosen you in a whim! We thought long and hard about who we would ask to be guardians. Other family members were ruled out for numerous reasons - age, geography, couldn’t be trusted to look after the inheritance for the kids, moral values etc.
It’s a big decision and taken for practical reasons - not just peace of mind. No point in asking someone who will say ‘no thanks’ or couldn’t cope etc

I think the poster means her DH couldn’t say no to her having the children, of course he can leave and say no for himself but he can’t say no on her behalf

Of course they should have asked! It’s a huge decision. When a friend asked me I said yes and she said no, go away and discuss it with my DH, have a proper think and get back to her.

We did and said we’d be honoured but she was right that we should take a beat first. We’ve had the same conversation about guardians for ours and changed it again a few years later, it’s something we’ll continue to discuss.