To think SIL should have checked with us before putting us down as carers for her son in her will?

[BillHadersNewWife]

Is it usual to ask before putting someone down as preferred guardian for your child??

DH informed me that sil told him she had asked her son who he wanted to take care of him if she died and he chose us...I mean...that's a huge ask isnt it?

Am I a complete bitch for thinking oh hell no! Honestly I didn't say much to DH but in my heart, I really don't want that responsibility. But I know dh would. So ...I suppose I'm just meant to accept it?

But ok for the kids life to be fucked up by having nowhere to go after the death of their parents? Each to their own but this would not happen to any child in my circle whether family or friends kids. I would move heaven and earth to help them putting my needs behind theirs -as they are vulnerable kids who have just lost their mum and dad if this situation ever arose.

Lol. As nice as you may consider that sentiment to be, you absolutely do get to choose your ideal life in these circumstances. A childfree couple does not ‘have’ to take on a child if they don’t want to. As terrible as the care system may be, taking on an unwanted child is not a responsibility you can force on people.

No you can’t be forced to do so. But lots of us will judge you, and find you wanting. I don’t get why this is dragging on as a debate. People can say they would never do it and other people can say they think it’s selfish.

Mean while others will wonder what gives you the right to judge another's choices.

Yes she should have asked but I guess she discussed it with her brother.

Tbh I would find looking after children hard but if the choice was me or a care home it’s a no brainer. I would raise my nephews and nieces.

My grandmother was a foster carer and one of her long term foster children had a huge family
who they saw regularly but none wanted to take her (though they frequently criticised my grandmother for being her foster mother.)

I always found it rather disturbing that they would rather abandon family to the care system than raise them.

Sure, and that’s fine. I have no issue with people judging me selfish for that. I would, however, have a big issue with being expected to take on a child.

The debate was should people be asked before named as guardians/carers in a will. So really either you think OP should have been asked or not. That was the debate.
Opinions on whether one wants to or not are just that,. opinions. There's nothing to debate there.

I think the SIL spoke to the OP husband about it as it’s her brother and maybe the husband didn’t discuss it? But I agree you should always ask the people involved

She absolutely should have asked. It is a huge thing to undertake and whilst many would do it unhesitatingly, it's just not something that should be dropped on someone without advance warning.

dd is now an adult.
When we appointed a relative to care for her. should we both die before she reached that age in our wills, the solicitor insisted on a signed letter confirming that this couple were both willing to carry out that task, should the need arise.
I assumed this was standard practice.

Never heard of this and seems odd to me. Such a letter could never be legally binding so what’s the purpose of it? Think your solicitor was just inventing work so he could charge you more!

Nothing to do with price. We had a fixed price deal for both wills.

I didn't need to do such a thing. Are you in England?

Yes. But I don't want to highjack this thread.
My point is that if OP and her DH had had to sign a similar letter then she wouldn't need to post this thread as she wouldn't be in this position in the first place.

Just hope she doesn't die before he's 18 lol

I was quite taken aback to be phoned by an old Uni friend who lives at the other end of the country, and who we hadn't actually seen for a few years, and told that they'd put our names down to look after his two kids in the event of their deaths. I didn't say much because it was a done deal so just went along with it. They're both adults now so we dodged the bullet, but yes I think it would have been nice to have been asked! I assume they were caught on the hop while making their wills and he agreed to check with us it was ok.

My ex sister in law asked me many years ago, if in the unlikely scenario something happened to her or my brother would I have my neices. The girls are grown up now. There is no way though I would not have cared for my neices or have been told by my husband we couldn't. We would have found a way.

had this when I first wrote my will - who was going to take care of my cat.
Friend happily agreed, and said I could take care of her son, then a new born, in similar circumstances.
I think she was joking, but son is nearly 30 now.

She did ask. She asked her brother who said yes.

Unluckily my best friend wasn't even chosen. Had no children but took on responsibility for two teenagers when her sister died unexpectedly at a very early age. She was an angel and shining light for them when navigating her and her Mothers and Fathers own darkness x I admire her and her resilience x

I have 1 nephew and 5 young nieces between my brother and dh brother. If something happened to our siblings, you bet your life im taking them in. Doesn't matter if it's his sibling and sil, mine and sil or both sets. One of the kids is biologically not either of our siblings but they would all be staying together as far as I am concerned she is our niece and I wouldn't of married dh if I thought for a second he would have a different opinion on this.

Of course she should have asked and it is very rude of her not to have done so. At least it probably won't happen and you are not committed to anything.
Don't know if your husband would want to have a word with her about it? If you feel very strongly perhaps you should let SIL know?

I think such a big responsibility should have been asked regardless of assumption and relationship etc.

Having said that should it be automatic for siblings to adopt their nieces and nephews? I think there can be a wide range of scenarios.

If the sibling got kids of their own, I would think the kids welfare comes first in terms of how this change may impact them. It is a lot easier if the deceased parents are responsible and planned ahead as to not financially burden the caretaker of their child/children. Cost of living nowadays is tough, most people budget for the number of kids they can afford, not how many kids they potentially need to take on.

So she didn't ask OP. You don't just ask one half of a couple.

You need both people to agree. You also need to have made financial provision in your will for your child’s care, leaving your house to the care of your child rather than to be given to charity for example. A legal professional can write this into a will so that there isn’t financial abuse by the carers.