To think SIL should have checked with us before putting us down as carers for her son in her will?

[BillHadersNewWife]

Is it usual to ask before putting someone down as preferred guardian for your child??

DH informed me that sil told him she had asked her son who he wanted to take care of him if she died and he chose us...I mean...that's a huge ask isnt it?

Am I a complete bitch for thinking oh hell no! Honestly I didn't say much to DH but in my heart, I really don't want that responsibility. But I know dh would. So ...I suppose I'm just meant to accept it?

My sister told me - I don’t think she asked but she knew 100% I would say yes. I would be annoyed if they went to anyone else. I am the only one who would love them in the same way that my sister does and prioritize their needs and education.

I was told because of the financial implications - so I know what money is left and how they want it managed.

I just asked my DH what he would do if this was his sister and he said no way, he’d be dropping them off at the orphanage.

I do think its awful. Its fine if you don't want to. It's that person's choice, but own your selfishness if you wish to pick life style and stuff over helping out a grieving child.

You bloody well can !! I wouldn’t stay married to a man who said no to taking in orphaned nieces and nephews. The alternative is probably the care system, for God’s sake. We would have taken in either set of our DNs. It’s highly unlikely to happen but those are your nieces and nephews !!

It's unlikely to ever come to pass, but it can and does happen. My colleague and his husband found themselves guardians of 3 young children, after the husband's sister and BIL tragically died. They were two childless gay men who had never planned for any children in their lives and become de facto parents overnight. They did their best, but it was immensely stressful for all concerned.

If he was my DH I’d be dropping him off at the divorce lawyer if he was being serious.

For what feels like the hundredth time, it's not awful or selfish to say no to bringing up someone else's child(ren). There could be a whole host of reasons why it just wouldn't work be possible - practical, emotional, financial.
Great if you feel you could, but it doesn't make you better than someone who feels they couldn't.
To the pp who finds this amusing, what an odd response to factual information.

That's not taking away his chance to say no though. He's still saying no.

Yes, that’s true - but his ‘no’ would count for nothing as far as I’m concerned!

Taking a different view here. When DD1 got to about 3 or 4 she suddenly realised that one day DH and I might die. She got tremendously upset, and as she sobbed about it she said "but who will look after me?" We told her that there was no need to worry because her favourite uncle and his wife would give her a loving home. That was all she needed to know. Maybe your SIL has had to have a similar conversation.

I'm sure we could all think of scenarios where we think actually, yeh I can understand why they said no. But I can't be arsed to caveat everything I write on MN. So in general, I disagree with you.

It doesn't count any less overall though.
Your voice isn't more important than his.

My point stands, irrelevant of whether you choose to accept reality or not. 🫣

I don't know anyone who would say no.

I think it makes a bit of a difference here that it's the man (DH) who has been asked / said yes. Given that it's usually the woman who takes on more of the work of raising children, I think it's even more important to have a proper conversation about it.

If the worst happened, would DH take the primary (or equal) role in raising his nephew? Or if more would fall to the OP (e.g. if her DH works longer hours etc), would she be okay with that?

I would be willing to take on children on either side of the family, but if I was likely to be the main (or equal) caregiver then I'd want to have had a proper conversation about it, rather than it just be assumed that I would take on the main role.

Have you not read the thread?
Also, do you ask this question to everyone you know, randomly?

Of course they should ask and I would be amazed if it were legally binding without consent. There are some children I would not take in, family or not as I would need to safeguard my own children and marriage.

How fabulous to be so confident. Well done you.👍

I have read it.

I stand by 'I don't anyone who would say no'.

I think it is awful and selfish actually. Maybe one or two scenarios when I could think it was justified.

Yes, I'm confident that there are genuine (and varied) reasons why some people could not automatically take on/in a relative's child(ren). I'm not sure why this is causing you so much difficulty.

It doesn't really mean anything. You're not obliged to care for him.

Read the existing replies explaining why it really isn't awful or selfish.

Isn’t this what godparents are for ?

They should have asked but I would hope most relatives would agree.

We have been potential guardians for a total of 8 children, of friends and family, all now safely over 18, we didn't have DC when asked. One parent did die sadly and DH was involved in administering a trust for supporting the family.

The role is actually about taking responsibility for the children's care, it need not literally be taking them in your own home. The will can also make provision for helping you buy a larger house etc.

Having seen the inside of the care system, I'd very much hope family would at least be involved in care decisions rather than just turning them over to the local authority. It would be a life changing experience to add unexpected children to your family but the alternatives are potentially worse.

However there are some great foster carers and it's probably better for DC to remain in touch with wider family on good terms from foster care than with a resentful begrudging relative. This could all be organised by a good guardian.