Visitors to newborn

Yelrab · 2024-12-27T23:34:10+00:00

Is my daughter reasonable to ban all visitors to her, her husband and new baby for several weeks? I am in my eighties and would like to see my new grandchild for just five minutes. Is this some new fad? Next thing: psychotherapy for children who did not socialise early enough, as is the case with children who isolated during Covid!

Stickortwigs · 27/12/2024 23:35

It is a new fad and I think it’s desperately sad. For the parents as much as anything, because they’re missing out on the lovely experience of the shared joy of their new baby.

LoafofSellotape · 27/12/2024 23:36

It's awful and really selfish.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2024 23:36

How close are you to your daughter? She’s having a baby, do you want to see her or just catch sight of her baby?

I never understand new parents doing this, despite complicated deliveries I was desperate to have people meet my newborns.

But there’s something off about the way you phrase the question which suggests you don’t have a great relationship with her.

Merryoldgoat · 27/12/2024 23:38

It’s weird. I never even heard of it until MN. I had all manner of (very welcome) visitors to hospital and immediately afterwards.

It was lovely.

Divebar2021 · 27/12/2024 23:39

It seems to be a more recent phenomenon. I’m not sure what’s driving it… it seems a bit precious to me but then I didn’t have enormous numbers of visitors in any event. I certainly wouldn’t have excluded the grand parents from a visit in the early days and actually had my mum at the birth. She then stayed with us for a week and cooked etc while we got to grips with being parents. Sorry you’re having this experience.

doodleschnoodle · 27/12/2024 23:44

I feel for you, OP. My mum holding her baby granddaughters in hospital hours after they were born are two of my favourite memories. Especially as she died quite suddenly when they were just 4 and 1. I'm glad she had the chance to see them as much as she could.

I don't think it's usual or normal at all.

Sometimeswinning · 27/12/2024 23:47

New fad! Sounds completely isolating as well.

KM99 · 27/12/2024 23:49

Several weeks seems excessive. We had a complicated birth and tbh I could've done with several days to bond with my baby. I was poorly, my DS was in special care for a bit. So we had a less than usual experience.

STBXMIL used her usual passive aggressive manipulation to be there as soon as she could.

Dasherandprancer · 27/12/2024 23:50

Recent fad... many cultures had/have periods for mothers to recover post-partum. Maybe not totally isolated but a period where they do nothing but establish breast feeding and recover from a major event (growing and then pushing out a baby)

The fact your main focus is meeting the grandchild strikes me as not what your daughter needs right now. If anything the focus should be on delivering meals to the doorstep and if she is up for it you going in and helping do the dishes!! Not pressuring anyone to meet a baby when they are in recovery

Infracat · 27/12/2024 23:51

Its not right at all. I'd be so upset if I ended up with a daughter in law that does this. I hope it never happens.

JabbaTheBeachHut · 27/12/2024 23:53

It's an awful selfish fad that's very rarely extended to the maternal grandparents, so you've been unlucky there.

The same parents who insist on this ridiculous prolonged banning of immediate family, are often the ones moaning their families aren't particularly interested or supportive.

But that's normally when they're looking for free childcare as the baby gets a bit older.

neilyoungismyhero · 27/12/2024 23:54

Dasherandprancer · 27/12/2024 23:50

Recent fad... many cultures had/have periods for mothers to recover post-partum. Maybe not totally isolated but a period where they do nothing but establish breast feeding and recover from a major event (growing and then pushing out a baby)

The fact your main focus is meeting the grandchild strikes me as not what your daughter needs right now. If anything the focus should be on delivering meals to the doorstep and if she is up for it you going in and helping do the dishes!! Not pressuring anyone to meet a baby when they are in recovery

Delivering meals to the doorstep like some blinking wise man??? The lady is over 80 years old ffs.

Merryoldgoat · 27/12/2024 23:55

Recent fad... many cultures had/have periods for mothers to recover post-partum. Maybe not totally isolated but a period where they do nothing but establish breast feeding and recover from a major event (growing and then pushing out a baby)

Absolutely but that’s about the mother not going out - visitors and help is usually welcomed especially from female family members.

Ava27268 · 27/12/2024 23:55

It could be down to anxiety about viruses - such as RSV and the cold sore virus which can prove fatal - and a stereotype that older generations are unaware / unwilling to avoid spreading. For example, there are often threads on Mumsnet about elderly relatives kissing newborn babies on the face and hands and putting their fingers into their mouths.

Equally, it could come down to a concern that an overbearing visitor might take over with the baby, eg refusing to hand baby back to mum when baby needs their mother etc. Or criticising mum’s decision making, etc.

Perhaps try asking her if there is anything worrying her. If you assure her that would only visit when you’re well, wash your hands before holding her baby (when mum judges is a good time), only kiss the top of baby’s head if okay with mum, give the baby back as soon as mum says, etc, this could allay her concerns.

JabbaTheBeachHut · 27/12/2024 23:56

Dasherandprancer · 27/12/2024 23:50

Recent fad... many cultures had/have periods for mothers to recover post-partum. Maybe not totally isolated but a period where they do nothing but establish breast feeding and recover from a major event (growing and then pushing out a baby)

The fact your main focus is meeting the grandchild strikes me as not what your daughter needs right now. If anything the focus should be on delivering meals to the doorstep and if she is up for it you going in and helping do the dishes!! Not pressuring anyone to meet a baby when they are in recovery

If anything the focus should be on delivering meals to the doorstep and if she is up for it you going in and helping do the dishes!! Not pressuring anyone to meet a baby when they are in recovery

Oh do turn it in.

That's the father's job.

The OP is neither a Deliveroo driver or an unpaid skivvy.

Merryoldgoat · 27/12/2024 23:58

Infracat · 27/12/2024 23:51

Its not right at all. I'd be so upset if I ended up with a daughter in law that does this. I hope it never happens.

My PIL were at the hospital as soon as I could have visitors and I saw at least MIL about 4/5 times a week for the first month. She was absolutely wonderful and my son has an amazing bond with them. I’m so grateful to them both. He’s nearly 12 and loves seeing them - they have him every week.

Ava27268 · 27/12/2024 23:58

@JabbaTheBeachHut washing a few dishes and bringing a meal doesn’t make someone an unpaid skivvy. What an odd idea. It makes them a helpful family member. Unless that family member has delusions of grandeur, that is…

wateringcanface · 27/12/2024 23:58

I don't understand it, I'm having a baby in a few months and I am excited to have close friends and family involved. I can't imagine purposefully isolating myself. Boundaries, yes. Complete isolation for days and weeks, no.

doodleschnoodle · 28/12/2024 00:00

I wanted my mum to meet her granddaughters, not do my dishes. As it turned out she did bring food and do some dishes when she was here, but she didn't have to pass some sort of 'being useful' test before I allowed her to meet either of her grandchildren. I was desperate for her to have a cuddle! I'd think most people with a decent relationship with their parents would be excited and proud for them to meet their new baby 🤷‍♀️ If it's a bad relationship then that's another matter entirely.

JabbaTheBeachHut · 28/12/2024 00:06

Ava27268 · 27/12/2024 23:58

@JabbaTheBeachHut washing a few dishes and bringing a meal doesn’t make someone an unpaid skivvy. What an odd idea. It makes them a helpful family member. Unless that family member has delusions of grandeur, that is…

Rubbish, why would you do that when you've been banned from seeing the baby?

How do you think being forced to drop food on the doorstep and leave, or being invited to wash dishes only and then bugger straight off without seeing the baby is going to make the OP feel?

And again, is that not the Father's job anyway?

Dasherandprancer · 28/12/2024 00:06

Hold the mother not the baby.... helping out with food and dishes is not being skivvy it is called caring for a woman who had either just pushed a baby out or had major abdominal surgery.

If at any other time a person underwent and put their body through such stressful medical procedures they would be allowed to decide when they were ready to see people and to have time to recover but because they had a baby they should let people in. Why can't the daughter have privacy if that is what she wants. If you want people around, fair enough but if someone wants space they should be allowed it without feeling pressured

HermoinePotter · 28/12/2024 00:08

Recent fad... many cultures had/have periods for mothers to recover post-partum. Maybe not totally isolated but a period where they do nothing but establish breast feeding and recover from a major event (growing and then pushing out a baby

Some mothers don’t breastfeed and some people have easy births - all cultures are different,

If anything the focus should be on delivering meals to the doorstep and if she is up for it you going in and helping do the dishes!! Not pressuring anyone to meet a baby when they are in recovery

Give it a rest, women give birth they don’t get promoted to Princess for a month. Honestly some people need a slap with a wet fish.

Dasherandprancer · 28/12/2024 00:09

JabbaTheBeachHut · 28/12/2024 00:06

Rubbish, why would you do that when you've been banned from seeing the baby?

How do you think being forced to drop food on the doorstep and leave, or being invited to wash dishes only and then bugger straight off without seeing the baby is going to make the OP feel?

And again, is that not the Father's job anyway?

Show quote history

It isn't being banned, to me it's giving the mother space to recover. It isn't payment for seeing baby, it is showing care to the woman.
I am sure the father is doing that and he should be but no reason why other family members can't also help And show love and kindness.

TheSmallAssassin · 28/12/2024 00:10

Dasherandprancer · 27/12/2024 23:50

Recent fad... many cultures had/have periods for mothers to recover post-partum. Maybe not totally isolated but a period where they do nothing but establish breast feeding and recover from a major event (growing and then pushing out a baby)

The fact your main focus is meeting the grandchild strikes me as not what your daughter needs right now. If anything the focus should be on delivering meals to the doorstep and if she is up for it you going in and helping do the dishes!! Not pressuring anyone to meet a baby when they are in recovery

Why wouldn't she be most interested in meeting her new grandchild, seems perfectly normal to me! You can recover from birth while sitting on the sofa and letting your mum cuddle your baby. Why can't the baby's dad cook and do the dishes?

Emptynester67 · 28/12/2024 00:10

My daughter didn't ban grandparents but gave it about 2 weeks or so till my sister's were allowed to visit.