Visitors to newborn

[Yelrab]

Is my daughter reasonable to ban all visitors to her, her husband and new baby for several weeks? I am in my eighties and would like to see my new grandchild for just five minutes. Is this some new fad? Next thing: psychotherapy for children who did not socialise early enough, as is the case with children who isolated during Covid!

Several weeks is a lot. Can possibly understand a week or so but several is a lot!

Rude and selfish behavior.

Oh but if her friend has done it then that must be fine then.

Silly girl. So sorry OP

Oh dear lord! Of course the main focus is seeing the baby! Our DS was absolutely champing at the bit to show us baby GS; he was bursting with pride at his magnificent wife and beautiful baby. They welcomed us for a visit, we took Cook meals, offered help which they didn’t need, all cried and smiled and counted our blessings then made ourselves scarce.

Of clues she is reasonable. It’s her baby. You don’t have to like it, but it’s her choice.

It’s not something I would do, but I’m close to my mum and wanted her to see baby as soon as possible.

Something has fractured in your relationship for her to think this is okay so maybe reflect on that.

You have a son. He didn’t go through a huge medical procedure so you had no care to worry.

If you had a daughter, who had just gone through a huge medical ordeal, your main focus would and should be her first and baby second.

My parents saw my baby a few hours later. Parents in law so baby nearly a week later. I had a difficult birth. I think a week is fine but more than that is strange. If you're in your 80s then you and your daughter must've been older mums. Maybe she feels she doesn't need support because she's older but that's quite selfish.

I’m well aware I have a son, and well aware if the toll birth can take on the body. The birth was very difficult but DDiL wanted us to meet the baby; she loves DS and wants us to feel as involved as her parents, who had met the baby too.
DD is due to have her first baby this week; she and DSiL will be expecting us to hoof it down there pronto when baby arrives.

Don't underestimate how parents perception of risk of infection has changed post covid. It's not just covid and it's terrifying.
I was so poorly after my first, it was horrific having visitors for weeks after the birth.

My parents' main focus was me, their daughter, who'd been through a difficult birth. Even straightforward childbirth is difficult and life-changing. That's why my parents saw me first and in laws waited because you've proven that in laws think about the baby first, and not the mother. She's the patient and she chooses when she sees certain people.

I think banning even your parents from seeing the baby is ridiculous.

I didn’t let my parents visit for eight weeks. They live abroad and it would have meant them coming over for a fortnight - not staying with me, but seeing them everyday. We get on fine but my parents are not helpful and my mother is extremely hard work, not very kind or considerate of others and I don’t particularly like her.

My dd was in hospital for 6 days after dgs was born. She didn’t want visitors until she got home.
I think more than a week is strange though unless there are medical issues.

As a dm and dmil keeping your thoughts to yourself is the best policy.

I had my eldest at 16 (he’s 31 now) and half the school came to visit me! One friend showed up when I was still in the delivery room! I remember the day I got home (day 5, difficult birth) and I had to heat my dinner up 3 times as different people arrived. I was exhausted but it was lovely. My mum was in the room when DS1 was born and my dad in the waiting room. When I had DS2 and DD a decade or so later I had moved 250 miles away and PIL were the only immediate visitors and that felt quite sad. I remember thinking how different it was to DS1’s birth.

OP, I believe it is getting more common but I would be devastated if it were my DD. Is your DD normally quite introverted? Is she a very 'fair' person. I'm asking this because maybe the thought of visitors when she's vulnerable is difficult. And then maybe she just needs a blanket ban on everyone so no one feels like it's unfair. Maybe she doesn't want her ILs there and so decided that the best thing is to have no one. It's really hard for you but you have the rest of your life with this child, if you are supportive of what you're DD wants. Ask for pictures, videos, send flowers. Show interest without pressure. And I hope when you get to see the baby in the flesh that it can be a special time.

You know it’s possible to show concern for both? The majority of grandmothers on here have given birth and are well aware of the trauma and effects on the mother of a difficult birth. I gave birth to twins but would never have thought to ban the grandparents from either side from visiting.
We were very much aware that DDiL had gone through a huge trauma, as had DS; they wanted to tell us about it and we all cried.. they said it helped to talk and share. DDiL doesn’t feel she has to be ‘the main focus’, they both wanted their beautiful baby to be that.

Not entirely a new thing. I had a work colleague do this around 15 years ago. However, it was super weird. They sent out a really long ranty mail to all of the department. It banged on about them ‘bonding’ and ‘nesting’ as a trio and how they were not to be disturbed with visitors and they were asking people to respect this. It was absolute word salad and went on forever.

The really odd thing was they were not friends with anyone at work, simply a colleague. No one would have dreamed of visiting them as no one actually liked her, she was a coworker you wouldn’t necessarily choose to work with but just got on with it. No one even knew where she lived. It really perplexed us as to why we received that drivel.

Visitors are not there to cook you meals. They are there to visit.

Likewise no reason why the new mum can't show some kindness to her parents and "let" them meet their new grandchild.

Honestly it’s not something I would do, or did do, for that matter, but it’s ultimately your daughter’s choice. The fact you immediately jump to saying her baby will need therapy when they’re older because of her decision really doesn’t shine a very good light on your attitude to her or your relationship in general. She’ll have her reasons for making the decision she has and, as much as you may disagree air find that decision disappointing, you have to accept it.

Bullshit. It's not reasonable and it's likely nothing to do with their relationship. The new fad of new mums thinking this is ok is the problem.

@JabbaTheBeachHut

can tell you now as someone who did choose to have no visitors at first, those which were invited first were the ones who cared for me rather than seeing me as a baby factory and only cared about getting to cuddle the baby.

It doesn't have to be either/or, does it?

Most normal visitors care about both baby and mother.
^

I wish that were always the case.^ I don't think k my SIL asked how I was. This was after I had to drive 40 mins to the in laws 3 weeks PP after a traumatic time including time in NICU and over a week in hospital with no visitors due to Covid. They all just held or stood over my baby not allowing them to sleep and pawing at them while they had a bottle so baby was too distracted to eat.

I didn't 'ban' anyone but I did ask my family to hold off for about a week. I wanted to breastfeed but knew I'd be too embarrassed to try if family kept popping in. My family met the baby in hospital and then met him properly a week later once I'd got going with feeding.

Friends of ours recommended hanging on with having too many guests because they said they wanted to enjoy the the start of parenthood together without needing to tidy up and cater for family.

Sorry you don't have a good relationship with you ILS but some people do and realise that Dad's family is just as important as Mum's family. And that some MILs are just as thoughtful and helpful as Mum's. My DIL has said she wants me there first next time as her mum was wanting waiting on hand and foot whereas I quietly got on with looking after the whole family. So it is impossible to generalise.

It's the mumsfluencer bullshit of 'pulling up the drawbridge'. It's all well and good until they want childcare or a bit of help and then that drawbridge hits the ground like a fucking dart. Luckily, I love all my family and my husbands, they all came to visit us in hospital on the day he was born and unless your relations are horrible or you've had a truly traumatic birth then I cannot grasp why you'd think not allowing your loved ones to share more love with their new family member would hinder your 'bonding' in any way.

I was responding to some of the earlier comments.

In our case we are not a close family at all so the idea that relatives would be demanding to visit was never going to happen. We still have siblings and aunts/uncles who live locally who have never met our DS and he’s 3 now.