Visitors to newborn

[Yelrab]

Is my daughter reasonable to ban all visitors to her, her husband and new baby for several weeks? I am in my eighties and would like to see my new grandchild for just five minutes. Is this some new fad? Next thing: psychotherapy for children who did not socialise early enough, as is the case with children who isolated during Covid!

I wonder if part of the problem is that women are sent home so soon after birth... rather than fully recovering in hospital they are often expected to recover at home

Women used to stay in the hospital for two weeks after birth. They would rest and heal and their babies could go to the nursery. In many other countries, mums still stay in hospital for an extended period. Here, you give birth and are discharged after 6hours. Your daughter is absolutely right to enjoy some time to heal and rest. She might be trying to establish breastfeeding and wants to sit comfortably, boobs out without people in the room. She might have painful stitches. She might be having toileting issues along with bleeding etc

It's also RSV and Flu season. No baby needs to be exposed to that. You are being very selfish. You are putting your wants to see the baby over your daughter's need to rest and recuperate.

I understand wanting to meet your new grandbaby, but they'll still be a tiny newborn in 2 weeks time.

Definite fad and one I observe being loosened quite quickly upon people realising how farking dull it is sitting at home alone with their partner and a newborn. Particularly upsetting for you as the mother - usually see the fad being used to exclude overbearing MiLs

I didn't find it dull. I loved being able to get comfy With baby and watch stuff on telly

I think it is.

My MIL said that she was in the hospital with all three of hers for at least five days with her natural births. I was out in under 36 hours with a C-section last year and ended up going back to the hospital the day after with suspected DVT after a visit from the midwife.

I don't get it at all. I've had two kids, one is now 26 (DD) and the other is 13 (DS). The memory of my Dad rocking up to hospital dressed head to toe in pink because I'd had a girl is one I will treasure forever. My mum died young and was a grandma for only 4 years so I'm glad that they spent as much time as they did with her.

I would never pressure anybody who didn't want visitors but it strikes me as precious when there is so much joy to be had at that stage. Obviously you're careful with hygiene and you stay away if even remotely unwell but otherwise this appears to be a new thing that seems to me to be very isolating. I loved all my visitors!

Every poster who says ‘I can’t imagine excluding visitors’ also says ‘mine were brilliant! Cared about me and helped with bringing food, put a wash on and then encouraged me to nap while they watched baby, etc’ Well yes, obviously excellent, helpful visitors like that will be wanted!

I know what kind of visitor I will be to my children if they ever have babies- I’ll be asking them ‘can I pick anything up on the way for you?’ ‘Don’t worry about catering, I’ll bring some sandwiches and a hot meal you can warm up later’ ‘let me just get some washing on for you love’ ‘aren’t you doing brilliantly the pair of you!’ Etc etc

You must be able to get that not everyone has supportive family though? Great that you have that but it's not universal.

And yes, we are discharged home almost immediately these days. My mother’s generation stayed in hospital for a couple of weeks having food cooked and brought to them, support from medics with any health issues and nursing care! Apparently it is ‘rude’ to value a relative bringing a meal or two or asking them to put a wash on. Give over!!

I agree with all of this. I have complex health issues so always feel 'lucky' to have a period in hospital after my babies before relatives desended. It seems very normal in this country to give birth in the middle of the night and relatives pile in less than 12 hours later. Then we wonder why so many women have PND.

I agree it is also the worst time for germs, and maybe midwives are highlighting this? Our women and children's hospital have posted about flu on Facebook. My DD had RSV at 6 months old and it was terrifying. This month (at 3 and a half) she's had 2 weeks of flu and then an ear infection and now I've had flu for the last week. Knowing how many of my DCs friends have been ill too, with a newborn I'd be avoiding anyone with nursery/school age DC.

Yes.

You would think the countless threads from posters about the issues and dramas that their own families create would make such things obvious but even on those there are posters who think such behaviours should be ignored because “they’re your mum/father, and you only get one” and “you’ll miss them when they’re gone” nonsense because personally their own parents are/were lovely.

@NerrSnerr Yes of course I do.

I'm pregnant with my third and honestly love when our big family's come to visit - yes the kissing and viruses bother me (I have quite bad health anxiety) but seeing people so happy is just wonderful and I have to remember every one visiting pretty much already has children. I leave hand sanitiser lying about in obvious places and don't have an issue saying wash your hands etc. no one seems to have taken mortal offence yet.
...plus last time my auntie cleaned my bathroom, my mother in law made me all sorts of wonderful food, my mother took the baby while I did what I wanted for an hour, my cousin's kids screamed with excitement and played with my daughter - it's just a lovely time.
Plus my husband would drive me insane after a week 😂

nah - what I found really selfish was my in laws turning up the morning after I got home from the hospital at 11pm, sitting on the comfy chairs and holding my baby while I fetched them cups of tea whilst recovering from an episiotomy. Any time I tried to take him back he was quickly whipped out of my hands. They asked what was for lunch and were genuinely put out when my husband (who hadn’t slept in 3 days and had to work the day after our baby was born) said “whatever you can get from the shop”. They have loads of pics of them with their first grandchild but none of the baby with me, his mother and maybe one of his father.

In the run up to me giving birth they moaned about my family “hogging” the baby but, whilst my mum was at my house when I had the baby, my dad stayed away until my in laws met the baby. He arrived with loads of dinners and snacks and was there to look after us while we looked after our newborn. They were no better for the next 2 children, it was all about them getting to play grandparent and not about supporting their son and dil with their family.

I never stopped anyone coming round but I can totally see why people do. Maybe instead of focusing on seeing their grandchild the op could remember she is still a mother and figure out a way to support her child right now.

The fact that your first line of your post was 'I don't get it' suggested that you didn't.

My daughter is fine and she is in her thirties. Her baby is very healthy. This decision was made sometime ago.

Will you respect your daughter request to have no visitors until she's ready or will you be pestering her every day and insulting her to anyone who will listen because you disagree and feel as though you have a right to see her baby?

It is miserable and very sad

I hated it when I had to stay in hospital and wasn't allowed visitors - I really wanted everyone to meet my baby

The same dm's who will be moaning family don't bother when she is wrangling a toddler or teething baby....
Your loved ones want confirmation you are fine and the baby is cute. They aren't checking stitches or boobs....

It is okay.

The problem is that you think you should have any say over how another woman chooses to spend her first few weeks with her baby.

Even if she is close to her parents or in-laws, it’s absolutely a valid choice.

It’s not one I would have made, but given how entitled and pushy some grandparents are (as evidenced by this post, especially MILs) I can see why so many are choosing it.

It's not okay. It is their choice but it's setting themselves up for a lifetime of batshit precious behaviour. Go's help them when they want a babysitting in years to come.

Unfortunately my experience was people not coming to help but instead people waiting to be served endless cups of tea, biscuits and sandwiches whilst having photos taken with my baby. My first arrived weeks early, was delivered by CS and I was shell shocked and immobile for weeks. I was also trying to establish breast feeding and could have done without the spectators.

I like that new mothers feel able to take space for themselves post-delivery. Everyone else can wait until the new family are ready to receive visitors.

It does seem to be a new fad. I can understand a few days if the birth has been tough but weeks is weird. I couldn't wait for people to meet my babies.

Oh trot on with your judgemental crap. The OP would like to meet her grandchild; her daughter is well as is the baby. There are some flippin’ heartless people on here; some of you may end up with the daughter in law ( or even daughter) who excludes you.
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It is ultimately the parents’ choice, though I completely understand how disappointing it is for you.

Often people who have this rule in place are concerned about family members not respecting other boundaries (like not kissing the baby, washing hands before cuddling the baby, not smoking etc) so they wait for the baby’s immune system is more developed and they’ve had their first vaccinations before allowing visitors. It may not be your behaviour in this regard she is concerned about, but perhaps there are other family members who wouldn’t be respectful and she thinks it’s easier to have a consistent rule for everyone.

I hope it’s lovely in time when you do get to meet your grandchild. I’m sure it will be worth the wait!