Visitors to newborn

[Yelrab]

Is my daughter reasonable to ban all visitors to her, her husband and new baby for several weeks? I am in my eighties and would like to see my new grandchild for just five minutes. Is this some new fad? Next thing: psychotherapy for children who did not socialise early enough, as is the case with children who isolated during Covid!

I didn’t do this but I really wish I had.

I would imagine a lot of the couples that do this are protecting themselves in a vulnerable time rather than being ‘selfish’. They are likely expecting something to happen that they want to avoid. It might not be about you OP, but someone else and they’re trying to be ‘fair’.

Not everyone has supportive family and loving visitors. I am a little bit jealous of all the posters who have such fond memories of their post birth visitors!

I have relationships with certain family members that will absolutely never recover from the way they acted during the 6 months after my twins were born.

@NerrSnerr Christ alive. Of course I understand that all family dynamics are not the same. Based on OP's post, there is no suggestion that there is an issue with the relationship. That's not the say there isn't but that hasn't been suggested and of course this is one side. I don't understand it generally, no. If I had a close and happy relationship with my family, I'd want to share that with them. That is my experience 🤷🏻‍♀️

I get it’s upsetting for you but there’s nothing you can do about it all you can control is how it affects you.
I wouldn’t say anything and when your allowed to visit make sure your supportive and don’t outstay your welcome.
I remember my FIL and BIL visited when my baby was a few weeks old (they’d visited before then and live locally) and stayed for about 4 hours before my husband kindly kicked them out 😂
That really put me off them coming over often as they were such hard work!
Also remember be kind she’s sleep deprived and her hormones are all of the place! She will remember any hostility/ criticism

It is a new fad, it wouldn't have occurred to me when I had mine (14 & 10 now)
I'm close to my parents and they were round the day both were born, my mum was incredibly helpful.
My in laws live further away and visited after about 2 weeks each time which felt like enough time for us to get sorted, they didn't stay at ours so felt manageable.
I think it's lovely that people want to meet a new baby. Obviously there are rules like not staying too long or being critical but I wouldn't have considered stopping my DDs grandparents visiting them!

I find it odd personally. I was happy to see people and let them hold my babies, and I actually enjoyed taking time to go and make cups of tea and move around rather than just sitting on the sofa. Everyone is different obviously, I just didn't really love the sitting on the sofa watching TV/cozy bit lots seem to really enjoy. Both are fine. I was also lucky enough to have two pretty problem free births so was "back to normal" very quickly so this probably helped. I can imagine have surgery or trauma would make welcoming people a whole lot harder and more stressful. Sorry OP. I'm sure you'll get a cuddle with the new baby soon and hopefully get a few photos/video call in the meantime.

The OP is in her eighties. I doubt she's going to be doing loads of babysitting.

I was talking about the precious people who do this in general. It's ridiculous. It won't just be the OP that they are imposing this rule on either.

I think being so selfish that you cannot give new parents a bit of time to adjust/sheild in high risk times re germs is more ridiculous.

Do such self centered people really offer anything valuable to a child's life?

I have only ever known this on MN .

i was in hospital a few days after my Ds’s birth.. He was under a light box . I definitely remember the afternoon we bonded. He was finally allowed out from under the light box except feeding and nappy changing ..

but definitely didn’t need several weeks .

i do wonder if this is related to increase in paternity leave so mums in the past were very much left on there own after a couple of days ?

Op - I think you have no option but to respect her wishes - tell her you are ready as soon as she is .

Mumsnet and it's ilk drives it, the whole point of MN is to be needed by new mums and drives a wedge in familys, Being close to family on MN is discouraged.
The problem comes when parents do need the help MN etc cant supply, ie baby sitting or show an interest in the child, they complain in MN about it, but its too late.

I was in hospital for 7 weeks waiting for DC to be born, My family were waiting at my home when i came home to meet DS, it was so lovely.

This post pretty much encapsulates the differences. You immediately assume that GP will offer to do babysitting and such later on and that the parents actions immediately post birth are impacting the equilibrium of the existing DP/DGP relationship.

That simply isn’t the case for many people. When our DS was born it was made clear that we were expected to do everything ourselves as we were older parents who were financially secure. I recently mentioned that we’d spent 50k on nursery and had reduced our income to free up time to look after our DS whereas our siblings never spent anything as they had unlimited DGP childcare offered to them. The look of total indifference we received in response to that comment merely served to reassure me that we were not being unreasonable doing everything on our terms.

Everyone’s family set up is different so it follows that people also act differently.

I decided to limit visitors after birth whilst pregnant, as once I'd announced the pregnancy I was no longer a daughter or DIL, but an incubator for their grandchild, no conversation other than the baby, no asking how I was, just the baby.

1st time around we had quick hospital visits, and then a few days at home before I let anyone in, birth was straight forward, but it was exhausting, and I remember my family turning up en masse, at one point my mum asked if anyone wanted to cuddle my DC, I asnwred yes and it was like I had spoken out of turn, but I was made to feel I'd taken a gift off someone at Christmas.

2nd time around I nearly lost my life, spent days in hospital hooked up to every wire thinkable and still got asked when visitors could meet the baby. I was discharged with explicit instructions to rest, DH was to do everything, however the messages to visit were relentless including on behalf of others. I even got told I needed to forget and concentrate on my babies, yes forget that I nearly left those babies motherless.....so no it isn't a fad or latest craze, it's self preservation, it's that you no longer stay in hospital unless you are at death's door, it's the selfishness of others that forget a woman isn't just an incubator when pregnant or just a mum afterwards.

OP listen to your daughter, drop the occasional message asking after her, if she responds then ask about the baby, let her know that she is still your baby, remember how vulnerable you will have felt after giving birth, just think about her for a moment and then when she is ready enjoy giving her love and the lovely baby cuddles.

The mum and baby need a safe non judgmental caring helpful support system around them.
There is likely a reason that your dd doesn't see you as this - maybe a tricky relationship? Maybe your own poor health? Maybe pressure to 'host' you?'
I would reflect on this and try to think how you can make yourself as caring and helpful (even emotionally, as at your age you might not be able to practically help out) to your daughter and make her actually want to have you around. This is the best route to spending time with your grandchild. If she doesn't have you over out of 'duty' or to please you (which she has a right to do even if Mumsnet and you don't like it) then making her WANT to see you if your only option. Don't fall out with her over a few short newborn weeks when there are years of relationship with your grandchild (and dd!) at stake

I agree. Can you imagine a man hosting guests straight after his vasectomy

I’ll be having my 2nd in a week via c-section. I would in no way want any visitors:

I don’t want to contract a cough or cold and have my stitches split from coughing/sneezing. I don’t want my newborn or toddler having a cold/cough (could be deadly in a newborn).

I don’t want to have to sit up in pain and make small talk while my surgical incision is aching and I just want to rest before the night shift begins.

Elderly visitors have a lower immune system due to age and could easily bring a cold/cough with them. It’s not worth the risk.

a few weeks won’t harm the elderly parent/visitor and will make all the difference to the well-being of the newborn and mother.

I like my in laws but wanted to see my parents due to traumatic childbirth. In laws waited to allow me to heal a bit.

I gave birth to twins but would never have thought to ban the grandparents from either side from visiting.
I never banned grandparents from visiting. Maternal grandparents visited soon after. Paternal waited a week. It was fine. They respected that my body needed to heal. I didn't care if my parents saw me in a state.

We were very much aware that DDiL had gone through a huge trauma, as had DS
Please never say a man experiences the same trauma as a woman who's just given birth. That's really offensive.

How old were you when you had her OP?

Unfortunately I think this just sounds like excuses for bad behaviour. Baby bubble is one thing but this is excluding, isolating and selfish. Unless of course the new mum has always been that way….

People can wash hands, wear masks and gel before holding baby. We did that when I had my kids and it was fine so these worries aren’t a new thing . If you have a cold then don’t visit - easy.

Overbearing visitors - geez this was the last thing I was thinking about when I popped mine. If a visitor refuses to hand back the baby to the Mun then quite frankly they shouldn’t be visiting as this is not acceptable but a trait that would be known beforehand.

Justifying poor behaviour by exaggeratory excuses annoys me, but hey maybe that’s just me.

I hate to break it to you but sneezing and coughing will happen visitors or not. Laughing is actually the worst. Sitting is absolutely fine and the wound doesn’t ache. Getting up and down because of core use is painful. Your staples and stitches won’t split/. They literally stitch every layer - it isn’t just the outer layer and then it’s all stapled.

I get your worries but most are pretty unfounded and either you have t had a c section and are imagining the worst or have had quite a terrible, unique experience that isn’t the norm.

Are you talking about the mother or grandparents? Works both ways! 😂

Yes I've seen this (mainly on these pages) and think it's weird. Not only did we welcome visitors to see our babies (and both were born early, one at 36 weeks), we also went out and even the health visitor recommended I join the post natal group when my first (36 week one) was only three weeks old!
And for my own well being - I'm a real home body but I would have gone mad staying at home! I went for a two to three mile walk most days to just get out of the house! Babies are pretty boring.

Laughing didn't hurt half as much as sneezing or coughing did with both my C-sections, sitting can hurt especially in the early days when you still have a bit of a bump and it's rubbing against other skin which was the case with me and although not an ache i would get sharp stabbing pains in my incision site quite often. My staples also split after my second EMCS.

Just because you didn't have those experiences, doesn't mean it's not possible for any other woman. Do you honestly think every woman has the exact same recovery experience as you?

We’ve just passed our 4 week old round family all Xmas. Grandma stayed first week, I took baby to meet my parents and older adult kids in the 3rd week. Then a Xmas meeting more family. But baby is my fourth and when I had 2 and 3 the older kids were toddlers and literally coughing on the baby.

How so? Why is it selfish for a new mother to allow herself time to heal and bond with her baby? The baby doesn't care about meeting relatives.

Do you also believe Grandparents that do not get back to babysitting duties the day after surgery are selfish?