Visitors to newborn

[Yelrab]

Is my daughter reasonable to ban all visitors to her, her husband and new baby for several weeks? I am in my eighties and would like to see my new grandchild for just five minutes. Is this some new fad? Next thing: psychotherapy for children who did not socialise early enough, as is the case with children who isolated during Covid!

Totally proving my point there 😆

When you’re over 80 there might not be time. There certainly isn’t much whatever happens, I’m keenly aware that I’m not going to be around to see my bloke’s grandchildren grow up and every moment is precious.

How?

Banned for weeks or told in advance to hold off on visiting? When did she have the baby? Did she give a date when you could visit?

I agree.
I never had visitors like that. My visitors were expected to be waited on. I would have loved for someone to say I'll watch the baby you have a lie down

Yes you are being completely unreasonable - if you had visitors when you had babies, that was your choice. This baby belongs to your daughter and you have absolutely zero automatic right or entitlement to see it before she’s ready just because you’re the grandparent. We didn’t have any visitors for a week after our baby was born so we could recover physically/emotionally after the birth and get settled at home - not having every man and their dog turn up, over stay their welcome, do absolutely nothing to help, purely because they wanted to see and hold the baby. You haven’t expressed any interest in seeing your daughter after the birth to check if she’s ok or help her - your post reads like you just want to see the baby. If your daughter wanted you to visit after the birth, she would have asked you to. She’s clearly very protective of those first couple of special weeks and wants to stay in the newborn bubble with her husband - completely understandable and good for her setting boundaries early. She’s told you no visitors for a couple of weeks, so respect her decision and adjust your entitlement/expectations moving forwards - being a grandparent doesn’t come with automatic rights.

@Sirap2 Why all the negativity towards new mums? What a group to target.

‘Awful’, ‘selfish’, ‘excessive’ - disappointed but not surprised to see so much resentment and negativity towards (vulnerable!) new mums on MUMSNET of all places. Get a grip - some of you should seriously take a look at yourselves. The internalised misogyny is palpable.

That you are not taking new mums feelings into consideration or showing them any respect.

One of two things is happening here. Either you were not extended any consideration yourself when you had children, and felt you had to go along with what others wanted and now feel everyone else should do the same simply because you had no backbone.

Or, you really are so entitled and that unpleasant a person that you think you have the right to see a child that is not yours regardless of their parents feelings.

Considering the amount of anger you are showing here I suspect it’s the former, but simply because you were not able to put boundaries in place it doesn’t mean other people are wrong for doing so.

Yes YABU. It's her baby, she can do what she wants. The entitlement on this thread is ridiculous.

I'm not targeting anyone don't be daft. I just simply can't understand the new fad of people saying no visitors for weeks on end while we bond or similar statements. To me, and to a lot of people in the comments, it's batshit.

It's not targeting anyone, it's an opinion on a thread about said subject, obviously.

@Sirap2 you said ‘Too many precious new Mums are doing this out of control‘ then used the word ‘control freak’. This is your stated opinion about new mums and that’s seems an unkind blanket statement about a group of women who are at one of the most vulnerable points of their lives. Maybe you’ve got the idea they’re doing it out of spite towards others or manipulation by using the word ‘control freak’ and ‘precious’ rather than the fact they want to protect their mental health while looking after a tiny baby. It might be a comment on a thread but its also an attitude you take out into the world towards real people. If you couldn’t understand other people’s point of view before, I hope the thread’s helpful for you.

It's not a blanket statement about new mums. It's about the Mums who are being control freaks about visiting newborns. My opinion stands. But thanks for the comments.

I think, reading some of these threads, the world has gone mad, seriously.
The way some posters talk about their relatives and even their new baby, the pawn they now have to control their entire family, and it's obvious some get a real kick out of it.
When did people get so self-obsessed they think bringing a new baby into the world is ALL about them and they are all anyone should care about?
When did it become the norm to not expect people to want to meet and cuddle a new baby?
Why are new parents so hellbent on controlling and pushing away the very people they should be looking to for support and guidance, all things being equal.
If their parents of all people are not worthy to see their grandchild - regardless of their rights - it's a desperately sad state of affairs.
When did new mums start quoting what rights the grandparents do and don't have, paving the way for a fraught and arms-length relationship with their grandchild? Why would any one actively want this?
It's utterly bizarre to actively opt for isolation.
If I was a grandparent on these circumstances, I would refuse to become a part in the power games and stay away.
As I've already said, having a baby does not give anyone the right to micromanage the entire family.
So sad.

Ultimately the most important thing is the baby, and the baby's wellbeing is directly linked to the mums wellbeing. If not having visitors in first few days/weeks is the best thing for the mum, then it's the best thing for the baby.

OP, as much as this is frustrating, I would say you have done a good job raising an articulate women who is able to clearly communicate her wishes, stand up for herself and put herself and her baby first, rather than being a people pleaser, as I was with my first

Please be patient, respect her wishes, support her.

@ShyReader why not have them visit in the hospital then, or in the first couple of weeks while the father is on paternity leave?

It's very unusual in real life and something I've only ever read about, via MN where some posters seem to advocate it.

In reality it seems like a good way to alienate family and friends.

In my experience though, most new parents are desperate to 'show off' their new arrival and want to introduce them to family and friends quickly. Which, in most families, would be perfect.

Does any older MNetters remember when having a baby was regarded as just something you did? Amazing for the parents and immediate family but not considered particularly remarkable and not expected to be treated as such?
Such a drama seems to be made if it now, with the new mother the centre of it all.
Now it seems to ge less about getting on with it and all about the control you can exert on everyone.
As I said, bizarre

I'd imagine that most of the people who don't want family to visit straight away don't have family who would offer any kind of support or guidance. That's my experience (Although my family did visit and caused a lot of work and stress).

It's not micromanaging the whole family to say when you'd like visitors in your own home.

If you've got a wonderfully supportive family then great, go for it- but there are a lot of families not like that and I think it's brilliant that women are feeling able to set boundaries to protect themselves.

But if that was the case and it was no big deal then why would grandparents mind about waiting a couple of weeks to meet the baby? Goes both ways really.

I remember it well. I had mine in the days before paternity leave. We were collected from hospital, taken home and he went straight back to work. I remember feeling really isolated and lonely, I loved visitors, particularly as my mum was a baby whisperer and she could lull any baby back to sleep. My biggest regret looking back is that I refused her offer to have us to stay for a couple of weeks when we came out of hospital so she could look after us.

Because they are the grandparents?
Why would you actively want to block them from seeing their grandchild?
It used to be no drama, no fuss, support from parents.
Now it's all about the big reveal.

@Katypp I think everyone is different and have different family supports. My own mother came to stay for 4 days when my baby was born and spent most of it in the pub, my in-laws as pleasant as they are were too nervous to even hold the baby and wouldn't dream of making a cup of tea. My dad is helpful and supportive but lives 250 miles away and has cared for grandchildren almost full time for about 15 years so were reluctant reluctant to put too much strain on him.

Oh yes, boundaries. Those things that are only acceptable when they are yours.
I was reading a thread yesterday about elderly parents who had told their daughter they would not visit until their grandchildren were able to behave themselves.
Cue outrage from posters, when all they were doing is setting the very boundaries so encouraged on MN (but only when you are in the driving seat apparently).
😂

Exactly where did I mention that anyone was selfish???????