Visitors to newborn

[Yelrab]

Is my daughter reasonable to ban all visitors to her, her husband and new baby for several weeks? I am in my eighties and would like to see my new grandchild for just five minutes. Is this some new fad? Next thing: psychotherapy for children who did not socialise early enough, as is the case with children who isolated during Covid!

It's interesting, @Yelrab, how you've jumped to the conclusion that your daughter has no good reason to do this. If you are in your 80s, then she is at least in her 40s, so for all you know, she may be extremely ill post-birth, or the child may have a condition she and her husband are coming to terms with. Of course, you'll now say with absolute certainty that this isn't the case, but in real life.....

Op is in her eighties, i doubt she's up to cooking and delivering meals or cleaning daughter's house. Daughter sounds hard especially as Op is elderly.

It's a fad, it's desperately sad, controlling and selfish. Sorry op.

We didn't allow visitors with our second child for I think 3/4 weeks.

Respect your daughters boundaries and visit when she says you can

I'd be interested to hear the daughter's side. We know nothing of the family
Dynamics or individual personalities of those visiting.

I don't have a great relationship with my mum and she did visit after both children were born but I was counting down the seconds until she left again. The amount of things she has told me I'm doing wrong, and how modern parents are terrible. A bit like the OP and the therapy comment.

@HermoinePotter

Well said!

I went shopping with dd the following day after she was born (to buy smaller clothes, preemie nappies etc as she unexpectedly was tiny) never occurred to me to hide her away, took her on the bus at 3 days old and by 10 days old I'd taken her on the train and tube to meet friends in central London. They are really portable!

Any decent grandparent would be looking for things to do when visiting anyway.
Any decent parent would want to share the new baby with family members anyway
Any attempt to link the two things - ie you can only see the baby if you cook and clean - is outrageous.
Unfortunately, many new parents see the early days as an opening salvo to show they have ultimate control and others must do as they say or risk not seeing the baby.
It's very sad.

I think it's entirely up to them.

In the conversations on this forum, though, that is very much not the case. The focus is always on “I want my lovely cuddles with baby” and not “I hope my DIL is doing ok”. In all the posts I’ve seen about how selfish and inconsiderate DIL is for asking the PIL to wait, I don’t think I’ve once seen the MIL consider her well-being. Glad you were supportive and glad DIL was up to a visit but that is often not the case. I sucked up a visit with PIL when I was torn, bleeding, in shock from a horrific birth, sleep deprived from the ward and desperately trying to establish breastfeeding. I was also struggling to bond with the baby and felt pretty desperate. It was the last thing I needed and I don’t have the kind of relationship with them where I would have wanted to share the details. Not everyone does and I think it’s just a fact of life that women will often feel more comfortable with their own parents and will naturally lean on them for support in that situation. I wish I’d put myself first to be honest and asked mine to wait, even if that had meant I was selfishly making myself the ‘main focus’.

OP, I can understand why you are upset. Is your daughter doing ok? Perhaps the birth was very difficult or traumatic and/or she’s struggling with baby blues/physically healing/extreme sleep deprivation/lactation problems or some other issue. Perhaps it’s a sign of her struggling?

That was meant to be for @Pottedpalm

DPIL met DC1 in the birthing suite he was born in. They came in, ooohed and ahhhed, cried some happy tears, brought us both some McDonald's (I hadn't eaten for many hours and it was the only food available) and crept away. They were a huge help to me in the PP days.

In an ideal world family would visit new parents and be supportive and sensitive and give the mum time and space to breastfeed etc.

Not everyone will do that and it's likely that a lot of these mums deemed as 'selfish' have families like this.

Yes I’ve heard of lots of new mums doing this. I had my first baby 2 years ago and there’s soo much anti-family/anti-MIL content that’s pushed to you on social media, it’s unbelievable. Like some kind of smelly green fog descends upon the house when the husband’s mum turns up.
Plus I wouldn’t class my immediate family as visitors - aunties, uncles, cousins etc yes visitors. Immediate family were (to me) welcome anytime.

I've only heard of it on Mumsnet. Selfishness seems to be celebrated here- always putting yourself first and pushing others (particularly in-laws) away.
I can understand needing a few days after the birth to recover but several weeks seems ridiculous.

It is possible to simultaneously care
about the daughter who has gone through, "a huge medical ordeal" and want to see the new baby too, you know? One action/desire doesn't cancel out the other. My ds had a wonderful relationship with all of his gp's and I cherish the memories of my mum and dad and pils coming to meet him whilst we were still in hospital. I am/was very close to my parents and fond of my pils so maybe that's the difference. I'll probably get flamed here but i think that although birth is exhausting, it's not an illness nor is it "a huge medical ordeal" for every woman. That's very dramatic .

I would have loved to have no visitors, I was too much of a wimp to say no
I had a horrible birth and felt so crap for a couple of weeks after, bleeding was so heavy, could barely sit down but too weak to stand, all I wanted to do was lie down and cuddle the baby and instead I had to entertain visitors
I'll never forget walking into my living room and there not being a chair free and no one offered to let me sit down
At the end of the day a birth and a new baby is about the parents and the baby, no one else

Her choice.

It’s not a new fad thing in the slightest. She may change her mind, but if you push it, you will only prove that she did right.

I had visitors and guests (in-laws stayed the first time) and it was the wrong thing and I cried happy tears when they left. It was a traumatic birth for both DH and I and very awkward since I had never been alone with my in-laws without DH. FIL at least asked how I was which prompted MIL to remember to do the same while her focus was on our baby. My mother was the same way so at least I know my dad and FIL were concerned about me and baby instead of just baby. This was almost a decade ago.

Second time around, it was two weeks of no visitors except for the doula and midwives. I was going back and forth to the hospital due to transfusions and check-ups so baby and I weren’t home much anyway.

Third time around, guests again (my parents) and I can say that the second time around was my favourite. I had wished I was able to stay in the hospital longer with DC3 so I would have had a bit a breathing room before going home to a house full of people. DC3 was overdue and unfortunately didn’t come the week of her due date. Only saving grace she didn’t come when my parents had already arrived because I had to constantly tell my parents especially my mother that she could not be in the room with me. She stresses me out enough as it is and both her and my father together would be worse! I went in on my own with just midwives and it was great.

It was way easier to establish nursing/breastfeed and heal without several people around even if they are family, especially when it came to the heavy bleeding and taking my time in my own shower. Showers were lifelines because it was the only place I felt I had some peace.

Pretty common these days thanks to social media.
Just leave them to it.

People are considering the issue based on their own circumstances which differ dramatically so naturally views differ.

Many people don’t have close extended families so the idea that they are suddenly swamped post birth is far from attractive for them.

I don’t use social media so have no idea of the prevailing view on there but I do know that spending time with DH and DS was far more important to me than prioritising people I have very little to do with the rest of the time.

I suppose my case was a little different as nobody was knocking the door down asking to see DS, they just waited until we arranged something.

I think people are making an issue out of nothing here. If you have a close extended family you’ll want to make include them at a very early stage, if you don’t you won’t. For some having their DM with them at birth is an essential, for others including me, I could think of nothing worse.

It’s ridiculous and seems to be gathering momentum on social media. Just another step in the complete breakdown of traditional family set ups and support.

I hate this new trend...I loved having visitors when my babies were born. I wanted to show them off and see people who I knew cared about me. I don't know why being isolated and alone is so celebrated these days

I had a baby 6 months ago. I'd get having 48 hours to yourself, but I find the whole two weeks thing and sending family rules thing ridiculous. 2 weeks is a reasonable rule for friends, but seems silly for close family.

I couldn't wait to show my baby off, and I'd had a caesarian.

I'd never expect people to bring me food either. I asked my mum if she'd mind doing a couple of jobs, which of course was no problem!

It's ultimately personal choice though and you need to respect it. I think it's a shame as I think it's better for babies and mum to have lots of people around to help mum recover and so baby has multiple loving care givers available when mum needs a break.

The current way means there is a lot of pressure on mum.

Parents want their time in the baby bubble and it can be difficult to break, unfortunately for everyone else, you don’t automatically get a right to see the baby. It’s difficult and upsetting for the rest of the family but it really is the parents’ choice.

Perhaps there are other things behind the scenes you don’t currently know about that could be the reason for them isolating, such as a traumatic birth, surgery recovery or medical reasons with the baby meaning they may be more vulnerable than usual?

The baby, if a newborn, doesn’t specifically need to start socialising with anyone other than parents for a while yet so the psychotherapy comment is a bit ridiculous.

Exactly.

I find typically on MN, some can’t fathom that many of us have family members that we are not only not close to but are actually detrimental to our well-beings or rarely ever see them due to their own choices, but all of sudden they want to see us because there’s a baby involved.

I also notice people make the whole seeing baby fresh out of the womb is their right and f-k the mother who just brought them into the world and both her and baby’s well-being.

Tbf I didn't want to see anyone the first couple of weeks. Wanted to recover and enjoy baby