Things you make a point of doing as a parent, that your parents didn’t

[Wakeupits1995again]

Bit of a long winded title 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was thinking about it today.

Dd has her two neighbour friends over, they drop in to play most weekends and I try to make sure I have some carton drinks in for them, kid’s biscuits, fruit packs/snacks etc, especially for them. We’re not a snacks type house (I don’t generally buy biscuits or crisps on the supermarket shop.
I do this as I like providing for her friends, Dd enjoys it and I grew up without it. I remember many occasions where i’d feel embarrassed as a child as friends would come round and my mum never offered anything or there wasn’t anything I could give them when they asked. I remember one friend saying how hungry she was and asking for a bite of cheddar cheese from the fridge. We weren’t poor, but I think all food was accounted for. I lived in a very wealthy area and often felt embarrassed by my house (a 4 bedroom house with garden-nothing to be embarrassed of!) but this didn’t help.
Also my mum didn’t really invite friends over for dinner, even after I was invited to theirs numerous times, I often had to beg until
she’d relent. She didn’t really have friends, which I feel sad about, but it was if she didn’t know how to host at all or didn’t see the importance of being welcoming to my friends.
I can be shy but I’ve forced myself out of my comfort zone for the sake of Dd and make sure we have an involved social life
There are other things, like not being involved in homework at all, no checking it/helping, also I didn’t go to any clubs/dance classes. When I ask about it, she says ‘Well you never asked to’ doesn’t the parent need to be the one initiating it when kids are young?
Was this just my mum or was it 80/90’s parenting? (I’m 47 now)
I do so many things differently

Being on time. My parents were late for everything and it used to make me feel embarassed.

I wasn't allowed friends over. Never went to clubs after school. They never helped with homework or put any importance on education. They never came to school concerts. I had a talent for sprinting. They never came to sports day to watch me run.
Sounds shit when I write it all down!

There isn't much but I'd say spur of the moment friends over. My mum used to be fairly strict on this because the house had to be perfect for anyone coming over.
My parents didn't have much money and we didn't do days out so the majority of our family spending is on trips but that's not really their fault!

Boundaries 😂

My parents never really encouraged or even forced us to learn life skills . I had left home as an au pair in France one summer where I learned the basics. Never taught us about money budgeting either . I was very naive about this long after I should have know better. I think they did it out of protectiveness but ultimately didn't do us any favours . Summer before kids went to uni they all learned to cook at least 5 different dinner menus , do laundry, learn about credit . I also made sure they all were good swimmers and learnt to drive as early as possible.

Having conversations with my children. Making time to talk to them instead of being perpetually busy doing something else. Not sharing all my sadnesses, problems and worries with them. Working at my marriage. Taking them on holiday, taking them on trips and days out, welcoming their friends, helping them with problems, listening to their worries. Millions of things!

I hug, kiss and tell them I love them loads.

I allow them to speak, to choose, to have opinions.

I don’t scream at them or hit them.

I think of child friendly things that interests them instead of making them do things that are just utter utter dog shit for kids. ie the pub.

They are not scared of us. They know they are loved, important and worthy.

I don't have kids but one thing I will always value and try and keep is a calm, peaceful home.

I was one of 4 kids and it was utter chaos growing up. No peace, no privacy, lots of fighting. It was exhausting.

If I ever become a parent I will definitely have no more than one child (the 2 siblings who chose to have children are both one and done).

Say I love you.

My parents are amazing, they would do anything for me. DIY, lifts, they text me to “be careful” and tag me into posts/save me articles. They cook, they babysit, they are generous and kind but they never say “I love you” so I say it everyday

I wasn’t allowed any privacy - bedroom door always open, no lock on the toilet door, my post opened, my diary lock broken and read , wasn’t allowed medical privacy either when I was 16 and went to college my mother phoned up the parents of my friends and warned them off letting their dc socialise with me because I was ‘unstable and on medication for that’ (I was on Prozac for depression). I was also frequently locked in and not allowed out. I allow my dc all the privacy and respect I possibly can.

Let my kids feel a range of emotions without criticising them for it.

Let them decide they are full.

Let them decide what time they want to fall asleep (we have a bedtime but that's really just a "go to your room" time and they can read/draw til they feel sleepy)

Let them decline hugs and kisses from anyone.

Let them opt out on the majority of photographs (if we do a massive family day out with everyone then they know we expect them to join in one group photo which isn't shared online).

We knock on their doors, wouldn't dream of reading their diaries, and don't start from an assumption of they've done something wrong.

Tell my children I love them every single day. I know my parents love me but they don't say it.

I will also try my best to support my children in baby steps to independence and helping teach them basic life skills instead of trying to micro manage everything.

Let them fail (apart from in life or death circumstances)

Let them make their own career choices- if it's legal and ethical then il step back and keep my mouth shut, careers can always be changed, it's hard to grow back a self esteem that's been eroded away by every single choice you make being mocked or discouraged.

Let them decline hugs and kisses from anyone.

This also. So important. Luckily my parents weren't the type to impose this

I allowed them to have music lessons (I wanted to learn as a child but was refused - finance wasn't the issue).

Wore clothes! (Parents would both wander around naked even when I was in my teens).

Similarly I allowed my kids privacy to go to the loo/ shower (not the norm for me as a teenager).

I didn't tell my kids that their ideas were stupid.

But my parents did allow us to get a dog, which I didn't do for my kids.

Also I want my kids to know I've got their back and they should never be afraid to come to me to tell me they've messed up.

Stayed generally sober

Support them having friends over and socialising generally

Learn to swim, and other hobbies/clubs that they have interest in

Avoid forcing them into a uni/career choice not of their choosing

And going forwards, I will not sit around expecting to be visited, and I won't try to guilt them about living their lives

Tell her I'm proud of her
I never mention my weight, or anyone else's, in front of her
I listen to her
Apologise when I'm wrong
Keep promises, and if I'm not sure I'll be able to, I tell her I can't promise but I'll try
Make sure we're on time for everything
Let her have choices, even if it's "bus or tram?" or little things like that

She's only 6 but I never had any of the above.

There are other things, like not being involved in homework at all, no checking it/helping, also I didn’t go to any clubs/dance classes... Was this just my mum or was it 80/90’s parenting?

The incessant clubs/classes is a relatively recent thing. I was brought up in the 50s. We all went to Brownies/Guides. I also had piano lessons and music theory lessons, and felt my free time was dreadfully constrained compared to my peers. My DCs in the 80s went to a music centre on Saturdays, and to cubs. They dropped out of cubs and tried gym, later karate.I'd have hated my parents getting involved in my homework, and I didn't actively get involved in the 90s, apart from helping with primary school projects and fancy dress. The thought that all parents should be actively involved in homework I think is again a recent thing, maybe because primary school children are getting homework, which they didn't get in my day, nor did my DC.

Telling DD I love her, daily.

Allowing her to dress and keep her hair how she’s wants it.

Allowing her her own privacy in her bedroom.

Being affectionate.

Showing up to things at school and performances.

Apologising when I’ve done something wrong.

I will not sit around expecting to be visited You may be surprised at how much you miss them.

Tell my girls they are smart and funny and can do anything they turn their minds to. I tell them how much I enjoy their company and take them to plays, art galleries and the cinema. I tell them they are gorgeous and I love them every day

Didn't smack them.

Other than that, I've tried to do what I think is right, I haven't been consciously motivated by any mistakes they made in their parenting. DC have turned out OK.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing but my parents didn't push us - with school or with serious hobbies/other learning. My Dsis and I were always naturally 'top of all classes' all-rounders, and I guess they never felt they had to, while most of my friends did extra tuition, music lessons, extra language lessons (though we had more than normal in school) and felt a certain pressure to succeed with education. As such I think I really should have done mindblowingly well (vs very good) in my exams etc. and could have been guided in choosing better for further education instead of my parents just accepting what a teen fancied doing at that moment. It's not all on them of course, but they were truly laid back about it all compared to being very strict about my social life and getting a mobile phone!

I pay attention to what my DS has to do for school, any homework or weekly tests, and I have put him into various clubs to encourage him to have other skills/interests and to learn about commitment. He doesn't have to stay in a club he dislikes, but I don't want him to look back and think 'why didn't I get the chance to try?'

There are other things, like not being involved in homework at all, no checking it/helping, also I didn’t go to any clubs/dance classes. When I ask about it, she says ‘Well you never asked to’ doesn’t the parent need to be the one initiating it when kids are young?
Was this just my mum or was it 80/90’s parenting? It felt like it was just a My Parents thing!

I don’t laugh at their emotions. I remember being really upset and my parents (who were generally nice people, very supportive and so on!) openly laughing at me and encouraging my siblings to join in, because they thought what I was upset about was ridiculous. I mean, yes it probably was, but that’s not the point. I was feeling an emotion and shouldn’t have had to hide that. My dad does it now, if my daughter gets upset and looks at me like he expects me to laugh and join with him, but I don’t, I ignore him and do what I normally do when she behaves like that.

I also don’t force my child to eat foods she doesn’t like. I was apparently a fussy eater, she’s fussier than I would like, so it seems neither approach actually works to reduce fussiness 😂

Not being late for everything.

Not making them continue with something just because they expressed an interest in it.

Listen to their perspectives on things. I dont listen just to try and add my own experiences to the conversation.

I dont compete with them.