Things you make a point of doing as a parent, that your parents didn’t

[Wakeupits1995again]

Bit of a long winded title 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was thinking about it today.

Dd has her two neighbour friends over, they drop in to play most weekends and I try to make sure I have some carton drinks in for them, kid’s biscuits, fruit packs/snacks etc, especially for them. We’re not a snacks type house (I don’t generally buy biscuits or crisps on the supermarket shop.
I do this as I like providing for her friends, Dd enjoys it and I grew up without it. I remember many occasions where i’d feel embarrassed as a child as friends would come round and my mum never offered anything or there wasn’t anything I could give them when they asked. I remember one friend saying how hungry she was and asking for a bite of cheddar cheese from the fridge. We weren’t poor, but I think all food was accounted for. I lived in a very wealthy area and often felt embarrassed by my house (a 4 bedroom house with garden-nothing to be embarrassed of!) but this didn’t help.
Also my mum didn’t really invite friends over for dinner, even after I was invited to theirs numerous times, I often had to beg until
she’d relent. She didn’t really have friends, which I feel sad about, but it was if she didn’t know how to host at all or didn’t see the importance of being welcoming to my friends.
I can be shy but I’ve forced myself out of my comfort zone for the sake of Dd and make sure we have an involved social life
There are other things, like not being involved in homework at all, no checking it/helping, also I didn’t go to any clubs/dance classes. When I ask about it, she says ‘Well you never asked to’ doesn’t the parent need to be the one initiating it when kids are young?
Was this just my mum or was it 80/90’s parenting? (I’m 47 now)
I do so many things differently

I tell them that I love them and don’t lie to them. They know that they can trust me.

As much as I love my parents I vowed I wouldn't bring up children like them. Examples I can think of -

• not smacking my children (I was naughty at times but was scared of my mum)
• do not encourage hitting other people (parents did this and I got in trouble at primary school which is fair enough and when I was bullied at high school I tried to defend myself through their encouragement and it made things worse)
• to be positive and encouraging with school work/ development (mum hated school and made it quite clear at times she preferred us to go to work but was more than happy to brag about me graduating from uni)
• to go to a dentist every six months since they were 1 years old (I can only remember the school nurse visits. I had been going on and off as an adult but a new dentist queried why not I ever had a brace and now my teeth are too crowded and they want me to consider to removing a tooth 😥)
• no chocolate for breakfast. I let my children on special occasions as a treat but growing up I would eat it for breakfast alongside something else. I don't eat chocolate now and have had a distorted relationship with food over the years.

Lateness features a lot here, I can relate. My mum was also late for everything including picking me up from school. I remember often waiting on the pavement outside school for ages, long after everyone had gone home. Sometimes I’d cry. I remember feeling the relief when I saw my mum’s car approaching. It never occurred to me to go back into school.

I made damn sure I was on time when I collected my own children from school.

Giving them breakfast
My mum always thought eating was a luxury which could be skipped if we didn't have time. However she was also terrible at timekeeping and didnt think we needed to get up any earlier then 10 minutes before we needed to leave, so we never had time before school until I was at secondary and bought my own alarm clock.

Nothing really, except maybe ensure they have opportunities that money can make possible. I grew up in a household where there was very little money. My parents didn't really parent, and were puzzled by my level of ambition, but growing up with few to no rules suited me and I always knew they had my back. I've tried to replicate their minimalist approach and let my DCs make their own decisions, just with more options open to them.

I don't have DC but have thought a lot about this over the years. Mine would have been:

• letting my kids have friends over;
• accepting my kids' perspectives on things and not belittling their feelings just because I happened to disagree;
• and I would not have teased or laughed at my kids, because having it done to me by the very people I was supposed to be able to trust was disastrous for my confidence.

This is so resonating for me that I can't even read the replies

My mother never helped with homework or put any importance on MY education (but did my brothers)
Never said she loved me
Never hugged me
Never encouraged or supported me
Belittled me at every opportunity
Hyper critical of my appearance that I now realise was jealousy
Never asked my opinion or input on anything
Spoke to me badly in a condescending manner
Treated me with contempt and exasperation
Suggested I was a whore / slut etc if I was out beyond 1am (late teens early 20s)
She never considered me in her decisions
Never spent a penny on me, offered me money in dire straits etc

I am the opposite of my upbringing, so maybe I can thank her for showing me the light. When I met my first boyfriend's parents, I was blown away by how they loved their children and treated them and I have always emulated my parenting on what I observed in their home

SemperIdem · Today 19:44

The only two things I (consciously) do are - apologise when I am wrong...

Yes, I do that. If I give her information and she thinks it's wrong, we look it up online, or an encyclopedia and if I was wrong, I say, "Oh, I always thought that... well done."

For me it's making my DS know that friends and girlfriends are very welcome, no judgement, part of the family.

I hid boyfriends, and was always at friends houses, in fact I feel I lived my whole life not really at home.

So I wanted to change the pattern and make sure my DS knew everyone is welcome and we have an open house.

I knew my parents loved me in the practical sense - but never said it or gave me a hug when needed. Food was the biggest weird thing - we didn’t have a lot of money - food was controlled. We had cereal, sandwiches for lunch and dinner, No snacks, couldn’t have toast for breakfast or any fruit really in the house. What was there we weren’t allowed to have. Went hungry a fair bit and when I look back I was so very thin.

I have a snack draw, fruit always available as squash/fruit juice/milk to drink.

I wanted to go to uni but my Mum said no - even when I came home with the local uni information I was informed nope working in a shop seemed to be the only option. I was expected to pay rent - even a £1 from my paper round when I was 14 and earn £6 a week!

I gave my eldest support and choice, and will
do the same for my youngest.

Absolutely everything

I try to listen carefully and ask questions so I understand him. I give him choices. I don't assume I know how he feels. I don't tell him how he feels.

Yes, yes to apologising and owing it when I’m wrong. So important!

I quit things really easily when I was a child which, as an adult looking back, I really wish I had stuck with (various instruments, sports, clubs, writing, art etc that I tried for a bit and gave up after a few months). I don't want my children to give up on things as easily as I did so have made them stick at things even when they have grumbled about them. Eg. DS begged for over a year to have a guitar and guitar lessons, but then about a month after I'd bought the guitar and paid for the term's lessons he started saying he didn't like it. I said he had to keep at it and could quit after he learned 3 songs. He has improved a bit but still doesn't practice as often as he should, but after the first few grumbles, he seems to be enjoying it a bit more as he gets more capable. Hasn't mentioned quitting since. Same with his sports clubs.

@Bizarred that's interesting. I think the children do have to feel comfortable with it, though. I'd rather not have seen my dad's penis quite so much when I was 15 and trying to have a bath in peace!

Buy them clothes they like. I grew up in hand me downs and charity shop clothes and it was embarrassing. I take great joy in taking my DD9 out shopping to buy clothes she feels confident in. The same goes for DS15. Although he just sends me links for stuff because shopping with mum isn't cool right now! I like that they both have their own style. We aren't rich but we budget for the kids needs far better than my parents ever did (they bought all sorts of crap for themselves off credit cards but there was never a budget for the kids).

I also let them be their own people. I don't force any of my beliefs or opinions on them. I come from a very strict Christian background and I want my kids to make up their own minds. If either of my kids decided they wanted to go to church, I'd support them (even though id rather stick pins in my eyes than ever go back!). They can choose whatever religion they want or none at all.

I can't even bring myself to read this thread as I know it will upset me.

I do pretty much the exact opposite of everything my parents did. I am also divorced and I worry about the impact of that on my daughter. But I really wasn't equipped for marriage by my upbringing but I do my best and I can only hope that's good enough.

I literally never had friends over ever as a child. Not even to hang out and do nothing. My daughter is lucky enough to have a few close friends from school who are like sisters to her.

Not give them the silent treatment!

I just never want my children to grow up being scared of me. I was terrified of my mum growing up.

Still, she's a raging alcoholic and I'm still on pins as an adult about the things she will say or do.

I resent her so much and think about the damage she has done every single day and I never want that for my kids x

Fight my dcs' corner.

I cannot claim to be the cuddliest mum but they know I will go to bat for them.

Talking about feelings
Saying I love you
Having a tidy house so they're not embarrassed to bring friends round
Body positivity and autonomy
That they matter

No, you're right, that must have been unpleasant!

Listening, empathising, talking through problems. Encouraging extra curriculars.
Being interested in a single aspect of their life. Standing up for them.

My parents were neglectful so I never had what I needed (a costume for dress up day, clean clothes, packed lunches) so now I ALWAYS make sure my kids have everything they need - we pick out backpacks and water bottles that they like, I always send them clean and in nice clothes.

My parents also never came to school performances or participated in things (just little things like dancing or playing together, taking pictures, being a part of the community) so I make an effort to do this.

Taking an interest in who they're with, and being alert to the possibility of abuse or exploitation by someone they know.

My mother was overall a lovely sensible person and excellent parent, but she had a huge blind spot when it came to trusting friends/acquaintances/partners. For example, she was very worried about me getting the train to the big city alone, but was reassured when my boyfriend promised faithfully to meet me at the station and stay with me the entire time I was there. My 20yo boyfriend. I was 15. She never asked what we got up to! As a young teen I also used to get lifts to my hobby an hour's drive away from various adult men I barely knew. (Fortunately it was always fine, and nobody ever mistreated me in any of these situations, but that was pure luck.)