Things you make a point of doing as a parent, that your parents didn’t

[Wakeupits1995again]

Bit of a long winded title 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was thinking about it today.

Dd has her two neighbour friends over, they drop in to play most weekends and I try to make sure I have some carton drinks in for them, kid’s biscuits, fruit packs/snacks etc, especially for them. We’re not a snacks type house (I don’t generally buy biscuits or crisps on the supermarket shop.
I do this as I like providing for her friends, Dd enjoys it and I grew up without it. I remember many occasions where i’d feel embarrassed as a child as friends would come round and my mum never offered anything or there wasn’t anything I could give them when they asked. I remember one friend saying how hungry she was and asking for a bite of cheddar cheese from the fridge. We weren’t poor, but I think all food was accounted for. I lived in a very wealthy area and often felt embarrassed by my house (a 4 bedroom house with garden-nothing to be embarrassed of!) but this didn’t help.
Also my mum didn’t really invite friends over for dinner, even after I was invited to theirs numerous times, I often had to beg until
she’d relent. She didn’t really have friends, which I feel sad about, but it was if she didn’t know how to host at all or didn’t see the importance of being welcoming to my friends.
I can be shy but I’ve forced myself out of my comfort zone for the sake of Dd and make sure we have an involved social life
There are other things, like not being involved in homework at all, no checking it/helping, also I didn’t go to any clubs/dance classes. When I ask about it, she says ‘Well you never asked to’ doesn’t the parent need to be the one initiating it when kids are young?
Was this just my mum or was it 80/90’s parenting? (I’m 47 now)
I do so many things differently

How sad. You can never tell a child that you love them too much.

My parents weren't your 'typical' 80s/90s parents. We took friends on holiday, my mum took my sister and our friends out every Saturday, we were never made to eat all our dinner and we weren't smacked like a lot of my friends were.

My parents were in professional jobs and they were very focused on academia which I guess for some that would be a positive thing. They weren't super strict but it was almost without question that we'd go to university. Also I was afraid to come to them if I'd gotten into trouble or when I went down a slippery slope of drink and drugs. They didn't feel approachable and would go mad when I would be caught drinking or fighting/skipping school.

It turns out I'd have ADHD so that's why I was the way I was. I've not set career world alight but after everything they went through with me they realised all they wanted for me was to be happy which I finally am now. With my kids I won't focus so much on academics if I don't feel it's their 'thing'. I also want them to be able to talk to me about anything.

My parents had a bigger house than we do and I grew up in a more affluent area so I imagine there would be things my children might prefer about my upbringing too.

I think she means just saying you love a child is meaningless. Love is an action. You have to show it as well as say it.

It's interesting that you say "wore clothes" @Allthebestfood. One of the things I have tried to ensure is that my children do not feel bodies are something to be ashamed of. As a child, my mother was ridiculously secretive about being naked and therefore the thought of her naked repulsed/repulses me. I don't want my dc to feel like that, so although DH always makes sure he wears pants, I don't rush to cover up if DC comes in when I'm changing, or while I'm in the bath. So what? It's just a body. Hiding it and being weird about it was... well, weird.

Loving their children. And treating them fairly.

Continuing to buy my children Christmas presents when they turn 18.
My mum stopped all together when we reached 18, despite us still living at home.
Not a single present.

My kids aren't scared of me or their dad.

Words can affirm actions. Lots of posters are saying they were not told they were loved and as a result want to tell their children this more frequently.

Talking about periods and the intricacies of the human body right from the get-go, ever since my DD could talk and understand, I've been frank and honest (in child appropriate language of course) about everything and anything. I want her to know what happens as you get older without it being this big "talk" when you hit puberty. I want it to be normal to talk about these things.

I do think parents are a bit "dammed if they do, dammed if they don't" with some of these things.

E.g. several PPs have mentioned that they try to be punctual because of was embarrassing that their parents were so often late. But my parents were very punctual and I found it really stressful that everything was on such a rigid schedule and there was so much rushing to get everyone out the door on time. So I'm more relaxed about time keeping - we're often a little late to things because I'd rather do that than start every day with a lot of stress and frustration, trying to make sure we're bang on time for everything.

Equally PPs have mentioned lots of clubs. I only did piano and swimming as a child, and my DC have similarly sparse schedules. I had loads of time to play and read and create and explore, and I loved it. I don't want our life to be crammed full of organised fun: I want the DC to learn how to occupy themselves and create solutions to their own boredom, do lots of free risky play etc.

So maybe they'll be on MN in 20 years complaining that we're late to things and that I don't take them to clubs every evening 😅 You can't please everyone.

Oh yes and;

• make sure to apologise to her when I’m wrong and acknowledge when I’ve made a mistake
• work on having a genuinely (mostly) harmonious relationship with DH
• allow her to see us disagree and reconcile respectfully

FFS. I have only one child, not through want of trying and after many miscarriages. Though I have a sibling, I had to deal with the fall-out of the deaths of both my parents, as my sibling was unavailable and fairly useless, though they meant well. Your comment is so tone-deaf as to be way out of the orchestra-pit.

Who are you responding to here?

Apologizing when we mess up shouldn’t require parents “prostrating themselves.” Are you that uncomfortable with the idea of a simple apology that you need to frame it as some act of groveling submission? I don’t want my DC to be that resistant to apologizing when they realize they could have done better in a situation, so I model the behavior I want them to learn. Of course I don’t apologize to my DC for telling them off when that’s what’s needed (where are you getting that?) but I do apologize when I jump to a wrong conclusion, or shout over something small because I had a stressful day at work, or forget to pick up something they need for school, or realize in hindsight that a rule or decision was poorly thought out.

And saying I love you isn’t a substitute for showing it. But expressing that feeling in words absolutely does have value when your actions back it up.

@Mangocity "School is optional but effort is not. All are self motivated high achievers at present but we spent a lot of time building forest dens with other wildlings and messing around at the beach for a while there."

School is optional???

@EmeraldDreams73 Help them develop self esteem as well as being polite. Our upbringing was SO "it's not about you, it's all about Other People" that both my brother and I ended up as doormats with abusive partners.
This. One hundred per cent this.

Take my kids to parks
Take kids for fun days out, zoos, theme parks etc
Replenish the snacks mid week if eaten, my parents never did this.
Let my kids add to the list for supermarket shop
When they need or want something, within reason they get it rather than waiting until Christmas or Birthday. I'm not talking x boxes mid year but if they ask for a new barbie or train set they generally get it

Making things magical! My parents are lovely and im
quite happy with my my upbringing.
but, I was a very imaginative child and always felt a bit disappointed around Christmas and birthdays as there was no ‘magic’ - just all very practical and sensible.
in our home we decorate for birthdays, Christmas or any excuse. Eat all the special food and make things as festive as we can!
I don’t mean consumerism and over the top gift giving - just all the little touches and effort that makes it extra special.

I speak positively about them in front of them. To this day my parents will talk about how all I ever did was cry as a baby, I was a “whiny child” my room was a mess when I was a teenager. They can never say one positive thing about me. It’s always done in jest and it’s supposed to be funny but I will never put my kids down in front of them to other people. I will always always always say how wonderful they are.

I grew up in a shouty house and hated it

My house is quiet and calm

Give lots of hugs and say " love you" . Praise him when appropriate. Try not to embarrass him.

Same here. One thing I've never tolerated is arguing and shouting between my DC, and certainly never being physical with each other the way me and my siblings were at times... With my Dad being heavy handed too.

Me and DH have basically tried our hardest to do most things differently to our own parents

And that affects my experience how? The thread is asking for what we have done differently to our parents. My parents deliberately chose to have 1 child, I deliberately chose to have more than 1 child. If that wasn’t possible then so be it but I made the conscious decision that I didn’t want an only child if I could have another child. For what it’s worth I nearly died having DS2, and couldn’t have any more children. Do you see me getting upset on threads about having large families?
I appreciate that not all only children are intentional and I am truly sorry for your losses but that’s not what this thread is about. It’s about what we have done differently to our parents.

Letting them make their own decisions wherever possible.
Letting them take risks and learn to trust their capabilities and ability to judge their own limits.
Always picking them up no matter what time of day/night if they need it, from wherever they are.
Honouring their feelings, supporting if they need it and giving them the space to deal with it if they would rather do so alone.

They are, I think, pretty freaking amazing human beings who know their own mind and treat others well whilst holding healthy boundaries. I’m sure its not all my parenting, but I do think it was contributory.

I could definitely argue that my parents did things that I would never do, like have very little input in my education (which I think was pretty normal in working class families where I grew up - you just went to the local school, good or bad, and just got on with it). Looking back I find it mad that I went to such a shit comprehensive when I could have gone somewhere much better, and made all my own choices re. sixth form and university without really discussing it with them. But I was the first in the family to go to uni so it was beyond their sphere of experience anyway.

But there are other things that they are far better at than me. They were very generous when it came to having my friends over, whereas I hate it and feel SUPER awkward when I have kids round (I’m neurodivergent and it’s very outside of my comfort zone to be hosting kids and orchestrating fun - thankfully it’s easier when kids get older and you can leave them to it 😅).

I think pretty much everything I do is the opposite of what my mother did. I talk with my kids, I listen to their stories, I ask them about their days and their interests, I encourage them, I tell them how proud I am of them and how smart they are, I will sit with them while they do their homework (if I'm free), I go to their plays, orchestra performances, sports tournaments etc I don't lose my shit with/at them, I don't argue in front of them, I don't cry in front of them, I don't expect them to be mini-adults, I don't make them responsible for my happiness.

Basically I make sure they will never have to question if I love them.