Things you make a point of doing as a parent, that your parents didn’t

[Wakeupits1995again]

Bit of a long winded title 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was thinking about it today.

Dd has her two neighbour friends over, they drop in to play most weekends and I try to make sure I have some carton drinks in for them, kid’s biscuits, fruit packs/snacks etc, especially for them. We’re not a snacks type house (I don’t generally buy biscuits or crisps on the supermarket shop.
I do this as I like providing for her friends, Dd enjoys it and I grew up without it. I remember many occasions where i’d feel embarrassed as a child as friends would come round and my mum never offered anything or there wasn’t anything I could give them when they asked. I remember one friend saying how hungry she was and asking for a bite of cheddar cheese from the fridge. We weren’t poor, but I think all food was accounted for. I lived in a very wealthy area and often felt embarrassed by my house (a 4 bedroom house with garden-nothing to be embarrassed of!) but this didn’t help.
Also my mum didn’t really invite friends over for dinner, even after I was invited to theirs numerous times, I often had to beg until
she’d relent. She didn’t really have friends, which I feel sad about, but it was if she didn’t know how to host at all or didn’t see the importance of being welcoming to my friends.
I can be shy but I’ve forced myself out of my comfort zone for the sake of Dd and make sure we have an involved social life
There are other things, like not being involved in homework at all, no checking it/helping, also I didn’t go to any clubs/dance classes. When I ask about it, she says ‘Well you never asked to’ doesn’t the parent need to be the one initiating it when kids are young?
Was this just my mum or was it 80/90’s parenting? (I’m 47 now)
I do so many things differently

I tell them I love them & I'm proud of them.

I think we need to rename this thread 'Astounding ingratitude' or 'humble brag'. My parents were never involved in my homework and they did not welcome my friends and provide cookies for them. That is because both of them were working long hours, to provide for us. They did not have endless conversations with me about my emotional 'wellbeing', but that is because they were so tired after work and commuting, that they literally fell into bed when they came home. And yes, they did not drone on 'love you, love you' all the time, because even stupid as we were, we understood that our parents must adore us to make sacrifices of that magnitude for us.

Telling them that I love them and cuddling them a lot.

My mother has never told me she loves me, not even when I was a child. The last hug I remember giving her was when I was about eight and even then she wouldn’t reciprocate.

My aim in life is that no matter how my children’s lives turn out, they will be able to say they were loved.

I love my mum but I definitely do some things differently:

• have a consistent early bedtime on school nights (weekends and holidays she gets a relax on it though)
• let her make age-appropriate choices and have age-appropriate autonomy
• tell her I love her often and not just ‘imply it’ with
• explain things in an age appropriate way and don’t fob her off with ‘because I said so’ or ignore her curiosities
• read to and with her regularly
• teach her it’s ok to say no to kisses and hugs from anyone you don’t feel comfortable with even if they’re family (my mum is particularly unhappy with this one and I DGAF)
• teach her to have clear boundaries and uphold them fiercely

(edited for clarity and because I posted before I was ready 😂)

We are very open in my house. My kids can talk about anything with us. My parents wouldn't talk about sex or anything like that. 'ill tell you when you're older" was the answer. My mum didn't like us having friends round. We always have kids in and out of our house and I always have snacks. My kids know they can't get everything they ask for and if the reason is because we can't afford it, I tell them. My mum used to just say no and we thought it was because she never wanted us to have fun or something equally as stupid. Loads of things.

I don't drink alcohol. I think that probably makes the most difference...

I drive them where they want to go.

I pay for things.

I don't criticise (very often).

Our house is clean and warm.

I think this generation will complain about their over scheduled childhoods. Bet Gen z future offspring will do one activity tops and lots of free play as a reaction against the millennial parenting ballet on a Monday / swimming on a Tuesday / tea kwon do on a Wed etc

You’ve clearly grown into a well adjusted, compassionate adult as a result…

I try to be transparent in an age appropriate way. If something is wrong outside of their control (family member with significant untreated mh issues) I try to let them know in an age appropriate way, so they don’t feel it is something they did wrong.

I tell my three sons I love them . It was really hard at first as my parents never taught me the language or actions of love . The words 'I love you' felt lumpy and uncomfortable in my mouth . It is getting better and it's a lot easier with my grandchildren .
They all tell me they love me .

Apologize whenever I lose my temper and get unreasonably angry. When my kids have a friend over, I let them have fun and be a bit wild. Tell them I love them and that they are important.

Telling my children I love them & how much I’m proud of them. Dad died a few years ago & never said it to me, not once. I don’t think I ever heard the word love in my childhood.

Keeping my door open, so my kids always know they can talk about anything. They’re adults now and have spoken about everything, from the minor to the major, life changing advice stuff. Nothing is verboten.

Normalising periods, so they weren’t anything to be ashamed, embarrassed or feel dirty about. They’re normal, not something to be hidden away. And on this, making sure my DD had access to the pill to help with severe period pain. I remember having the worst periods (with pain so strong I’d faint) and I wasn’t allowed to follow my GP’s recommendation to take birth control pills as, “It would make me have sex and that’s a sin against God.”

What bollocks.

Also, not pushing any religion into them.

We also had an open house policy with their friends being allowed in & out; we actually fostered one of DC’s school friends long term and became an emergency crash pad for several teens at their school (via Social Services). My kids are adults now, but we’re still in touch with so many of their friends & those we fostered.

Having a house filled with laughter. My parents were so busy fighting & being obsessed with each other that I don’t ever recall proper belly laughs at home growing up.

And hugs. So many hugs. The only physical contact from my folks were from hitting, smacking & punching.

Bastards.

MereDintofPandiculation · Today 18:23

Didn't smack them.

I've never hit my daughter, I was beaten regularly. I also had toys smashed and books ripped up for trivial things. I went through a couple of years being sent to bed with no dinner and then being punished for trying to get food.

I would NEVER do any of those, for a start.

Similar to you, my parents NEVER hosted my friends, were annoyed if I ever brought one home etc. As an only child, it made my life very difficult.

She was a good mum in many respects but has zero care for relationships, just doesn't put any effort in. She doesn't have her own friends either. She was too concerned with working and everything being perfect and is still very very critical of pretty much everyone.

I prioritise my children's education and support them with exams etc.

A clean and tidy house.

Nice clothes, at my expense not theirs.

I could go on and on, which is sad!

when I do something wrong (raise my voice, snap) I apologise and make sure he knows it wasn’t his fault and he didn’t deserve it

So if he is in school and his teacher needs to tell him off he will expect an apology so he knows it wasn't his fault? Maybe his behaviour was the reason the teacher raised their voice. Some of these responses seem to be intent on telling a child they're never wrong, good luck with that. I wonder how your children will judge you as parents in future?

Apologising when I'm on the wrong, and repairing the situation.

Not ask the older ones to babysit.

I had 2 children. I’m the only child of older parents and my childhood was really lonely. My Mum died last year and my Dad is 85 and getting very frail, all the responsibility falls to me. I would never ever want to put my children through that.

Sorry but I hate hearing parents prostrate themselves before their kids apologising for telling them off when a firm reprimand was was actually well deserved. Also don’t think parroting “love you” all the time has the value some think it does. Words are cheap and easy to say.

There are so many

-Apologizing when I get it wrong
-Not telling my DC how they feel or punishing them for having negative feelings. I work hard to distinguish behavior from feelings and help them find acceptable ways to respond to feelings. In particular, my DC don’t have to like all our decisions as parents and I try to let them be angry or frustrated or disappointed with a rule or decision without that being an attack on my “authority.”
-Graduated support and involvement with tasks and goings on in their lives. My parents tended to be all or nothing and if they “had” to get involved it was because I was failing - ex. their only way of getting involved in my schooling was punishing like a ton of bricks any time marks or reports weren’t perfect, then they would disappear again. Conflict with siblings had to be kept out of sight/hearing or they’d immediately jump to punishing one or both of us.
-Complimenting them, especially for acts of kindness, hard work, curiosity, bravery & the like
-Playing with them and engaging in things they enjoy. This can be things like sitting down and building blocks and playing dolls but it’s also riding bikes and playing ball, exploring the woods, racing and splashing in the pool, going to shows they like, doing kitchen experiments, goofing around with weird tik tok dances… I can’t remember my mom in particular ever playing. If I wanted time with her I had to join in things she liked or would be doing anyways. It made me feel like I was tolerated but not necessarily liked.

completely agree; they may not say it but thet are showing it with their actions. My mother is the same, not very affectionate because of the way she was raised but she has showed me and my siblings love in so many ways and sacrifices; that is more than enough for me.

She’s his parent, not his teacher.

I never had any after school or weekend activities as a child. DD has after school clubs on 4 weekdays plus 2 at weekends.