Things you make a point of doing as a parent, that your parents didn’t

[Wakeupits1995again]

Bit of a long winded title 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was thinking about it today.

Dd has her two neighbour friends over, they drop in to play most weekends and I try to make sure I have some carton drinks in for them, kid’s biscuits, fruit packs/snacks etc, especially for them. We’re not a snacks type house (I don’t generally buy biscuits or crisps on the supermarket shop.
I do this as I like providing for her friends, Dd enjoys it and I grew up without it. I remember many occasions where i’d feel embarrassed as a child as friends would come round and my mum never offered anything or there wasn’t anything I could give them when they asked. I remember one friend saying how hungry she was and asking for a bite of cheddar cheese from the fridge. We weren’t poor, but I think all food was accounted for. I lived in a very wealthy area and often felt embarrassed by my house (a 4 bedroom house with garden-nothing to be embarrassed of!) but this didn’t help.
Also my mum didn’t really invite friends over for dinner, even after I was invited to theirs numerous times, I often had to beg until
she’d relent. She didn’t really have friends, which I feel sad about, but it was if she didn’t know how to host at all or didn’t see the importance of being welcoming to my friends.
I can be shy but I’ve forced myself out of my comfort zone for the sake of Dd and make sure we have an involved social life
There are other things, like not being involved in homework at all, no checking it/helping, also I didn’t go to any clubs/dance classes. When I ask about it, she says ‘Well you never asked to’ doesn’t the parent need to be the one initiating it when kids are young?
Was this just my mum or was it 80/90’s parenting? (I’m 47 now)
I do so many things differently

Not give her any pressure about eating if she doesn't like the food/isn't hungry etc. I had such pressure at some meals that I would actually heave from nerves. If not that, I'd put the food in my pocket and go hungry. It sounds a bit over the top now but my grandparents would buy something I liked but then make such a big deal that I had to eat it because they'd gone to all this effort that I'd be scared to disappoint. My parents didn't understand why I didn't like some food.

Make sure my daughter and all her friends are comfortable- not panicking needlessly about anything. As above.

Not make her stay anywhere she doesn't want to. She didn't have a sleepover anywhere until she was old enough to ask for it and if she didn't want to then she didn't. My parents would always go on holiday without me and I'd be at my super religious grandparents telling me how I'd be going to hell if I didn't behave and making me watch films like little princess so I'd be panicking something would happen to my parents and I'd be left with my grandparents.

Yes, this is something I really notice in the children l teach music lessons to now as compared with the children l taught forty years ago at the beginning of my career. I was born in the sixties and a child of the seventies. I had piano lessons and brownies, later guides as well as church/Sunday school and that was it. I later learnt to swim. I started piano lessons just before my seventh birthday and was expected to practise for ½ an hour every from the very beginning. This still gave me plenty of freedom to be a child and play with friends - much more ad hoc then; play dates were light years away - and read and watch TV. I was always reading. Children were much more independent, resourceful and responsble fifty years ago. I think today's children are micromanaged and simultaneously babied and expected to be more grown up than they really are. I know the thinking is that they should have as many opportunities as possible, but the problem is that they rarely master anything because they do not have the time or patience to devote to them. They are also less resilient because they are allowed to give activities up when they become harder. They also do not have enough time to use their imaginations in free play. Obviously, I don't mean every child, but I have come across many who fit this description. Yes, I learnt the recorder at school and a little later the violin, but I was old enough to manage my own time, alongside the growing amounts of homework and enjoyed Saturday morning music school and, later, youth orchestra.

My mother was obsessed about us gaining weight. She was a binger and always obese and used to monitor my food intake and drag me on and off the scales and berate me if I gained weight. She would go crazy if I made myself anyhthing to eat and would call me a disgusting fat pig. So I was a secret eater and am also obese and have always been so.

The first time I saw my older Ds go into the fridge off his own bat and get himself a glass of milk and some cheese straws without asking me actually made me cry with happiness. That he felt comfortable enough to do that.

This is what I meant to quote in my post above.

Keep the house warm enough.
Make sure DC clean teeth and wash face in the morning.
Make sure there is enough food in the house.
Believe DC when they are ill.
Help with homework. Although it is interesting what PP said about parents not bieng encouraged to help with homework by school, I never thought the refusal to help was down to that, I just believed it was a 'leave me alone'.
Do my own chores in my own house.

Apologising

Maintaining a calm, safe and secure home environment
Not having screaming domestics with my DH
Being a calm parent, not losing my shit at the tiniest insignificant thing but allowing DC to know they can come to me if they have messed up rather than being afraid of my reaction
Not demanding complete compliance, adherence to strict rules and boundaries, enforce my view or opinion on DC as 'parents are always right'
Be capable of having fun with my DC
Not forcing them into a uni or career choice they don't want
Being emotionally available and letting them know their emotions are valid and normal- also making crying normal and not something to be ashamed of

Regularly going to big cities/London on public transport so DC acquire life skills - my parents were avid drivers and I’d never caught a public bus until I was 16 (rural area with shitty provision didn’t help) and only caught a train twice before I left home at 18. I went for a job interview in London when I was 21 and spent £100 on taxis as I was so petrified of the tube!
As per pp above, there is no talk of weight and/or appearance in our house, DM has been on a diet my entire life (I’m 40 now) which is heartbreaking really

Treating my DC equally.

My parents were generally very good, but I made sure that I would not compare my children unfavourably with each other or other people's children - l didn't want them to hear "why can't you be like so and so?" They are their own people. I was also determined that I would never tell my children that "starving children in Africa would be grateful for your rice pudding. They wouldn't worry about whether they liked it or not" as l remember my father telling an eight-year-old me. It only makes you want to say (but dare not); "well, send it to them, then." I still don't like rice pudding.

Do you not know how very lucky you are? Actions speak louder than words, your parents adore you.

I play with mine. I can’t remember my parents ever playing with me.

I keep the house warm. Our house was fucking freezing when I was a child and there was no need for it, we weren’t poor.

We don’t argue in front of them. I don’t think I remember a week go by where I didn’t hear my parents having top of their voice arguments.

Also, no shame around food. Not being made to clear a plate. Understanding children have likes and dislikes around food. Encouraging healthy, balanced eating to fuel and nourish your body rather than the disordered eating of 90s/early 00s.

One of my lasting memories is being forced to stand with my plate in the corner of the kitchen whilst my parents washed all the dinner dishes completely ignoring me crying hysterically saying I didn't want/like the food, and being told to stand there until I had cleared my plate.

Yes and alot of this too.

I also am quite intense about the Dcs having fresh clean and ironed clothes daily. I never had that. My Dcs have 5 schools shirts and 5 pairs of school, trousers and they are worn once before being washed and then ironed. I had to go to school in stained and dirty clothes and frankly I smelled bad. I usually had to wear my mother's hand me downs- even underwear. Clothes were a waste of money when you are a fat pig apparently. I also let them have age-specific clothes and trendy clothes their peers wear so they dont stand out in a bad way. Their clothes are always always clean. They have a shower daily.

Actually having a relationship with them. My parents were not emotionally available.

Telling my kids I love them and hugging them.

My mum never hugged us or told us she loved us. I remember watching her hold her 2nd husbands hand and feeling very hurt.

Recognising/ Accepting that my daughter is autistic and advocating for her needs. I was diagnosed this year, my sister was diagnosed as a child and my mum forced her to live "a normal life" and my sister really really struggled in all aspects of her life, she didnt tell her she was autistic either until she was an adult. I often ponder if she knew about me too. I was labelled bipolar and crazy growing up. Kicked out at 14. When actually, I was a child with adhd/autism and I needed help.

Lots more but those are the kickers for me

I was awful at math, but my mum never helped me — dad was totally uninterested.
I remember once — I was 9 — I had homework and Mum checked it as we were walking out the door on the way to school. I’d gotten most of the problems wrong and she was furious with me.
It made me feel so bad about myself.

I am very rarely late for dd. My mum was notoriously late all the time. To the point where I stopped being invited places and was left alone in dark, dangerous places more than once.

I buy her clothes that fit and that she has chosen. My mother still buys me size 10 "because it looked huge in the shop!" Despite me being a size 14/16. She's a size 8.

I buy her gifts she asks for. Not gifts I think she should like or things I definitely know she won't use.

I apologize if I make a mistake or upset her. I don't make it her fault.

I don't shame her for talking to me about sex, periods, boys etc. Some times this means she tells me more than I'm comfortable with but we laugh about that...

I don't tell her lies to "protect her" about all manner of things Which later make her look stupid.

I don't read her diary or go through her private things. My mother would go through my rubbish bin or school bag and 'display' incriminating notes to/from friends on the kitchen table.

I've always let her eat what she wants and stop when she's full. No empty plate club! No random rules around food.

Writing this has made me remember why I need to spend less time around my mother.

Same as mine. Never been told that they love me

My mum allowed friends over for dinner, but only once i’d been to their houses. We didn’t have sleepovers, not until we were teens and it was just my best mate sleeping over. My parents wouldn’t have arranged anything or got any special food in. I was allowed to go to a few clubs, but I was banned after quitting brownies and karate after they’d bought the uniform (second hand). My friends went to a different brownies so I never liked mine.

I think things were different in our time (I was raised in the 80’s / early 90’s) and i’m careful not to judge my parents by today’s standards. My upbringing was far from perfect, my mum suffered with a mental illness and got very little help. It was very stigmatised then. Now people would be falling over themselves to help her. It was all ‘of it’s time’ and it’s wasted energy to feel aggrieved by relatively minor things. I do things differently by my kids, but i’m sure they will do things differently again.

Oh gosh. This for me too but in a different way. I remember my mum taking me to buy some new jeans, I tried some on and she told me to suck my belly in so they fit. Constantly being told to suck it in. I dont understand why she just didnt buy me a bigger size. I was a normal sized child too and I'm a petite adult at 5'1!

My DD is almost 10, got a little bit of a tummy as shes growing up and I never ever mention it to her..... and I buy her clothes that fit her comfortably even if it means buying it a size up

I am slowly recovering from anorexia and I do partly blame it on being told I was fat when I was younger. I really wasnt either,

My Dd has water the rest of the time, some cartons of Ice tea at the weekend are fine..I don’t like squash

Not believe gender stereotypes.
Not be racist.
Not be embarrassing about sex.
Encourage schoolwork and talk about careers.
Encourage friends coming over.

My parents are great, but aspiration just wasn't on their radar.

Being proud of them for being decent people and being willing to try stuff, rather than just academic successes. I was only judged on my results and it's made me fearful of failure.

I am a child of the 70s...my parents were baby boomers so imagine THEIR parents had very Victorian values...so I was brought up with the adage that children should be seen and not heard. I was never heard, allowed to have an opinion, nor told I was loved, or that my parents were proud of me. Studying hard and getting into university was my golden ticket and I left home at 18 with a sigh of relief.

Every day I speak to my kids (now in their 20s) I tell them that I love them and I'm proud of them. We talk through important decisions and I allow them to make their own choices. We hug, we cry and we express emotion together (something my mother still finds distasteful and "unnecessary"). I apologise if I'm wrong and as a result I have a great relationship with two young adults that trust me unconditionally, which is something that I sadly don't have with my own parents.