Things you make a point of doing as a parent, that your parents didn’t

[Wakeupits1995again]

Bit of a long winded title 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was thinking about it today.

Dd has her two neighbour friends over, they drop in to play most weekends and I try to make sure I have some carton drinks in for them, kid’s biscuits, fruit packs/snacks etc, especially for them. We’re not a snacks type house (I don’t generally buy biscuits or crisps on the supermarket shop.
I do this as I like providing for her friends, Dd enjoys it and I grew up without it. I remember many occasions where i’d feel embarrassed as a child as friends would come round and my mum never offered anything or there wasn’t anything I could give them when they asked. I remember one friend saying how hungry she was and asking for a bite of cheddar cheese from the fridge. We weren’t poor, but I think all food was accounted for. I lived in a very wealthy area and often felt embarrassed by my house (a 4 bedroom house with garden-nothing to be embarrassed of!) but this didn’t help.
Also my mum didn’t really invite friends over for dinner, even after I was invited to theirs numerous times, I often had to beg until
she’d relent. She didn’t really have friends, which I feel sad about, but it was if she didn’t know how to host at all or didn’t see the importance of being welcoming to my friends.
I can be shy but I’ve forced myself out of my comfort zone for the sake of Dd and make sure we have an involved social life
There are other things, like not being involved in homework at all, no checking it/helping, also I didn’t go to any clubs/dance classes. When I ask about it, she says ‘Well you never asked to’ doesn’t the parent need to be the one initiating it when kids are young?
Was this just my mum or was it 80/90’s parenting? (I’m 47 now)
I do so many things differently

I wouldn't take them to the hairdressers and get their beautiful long hair cut off to a short pixie haircut at age 11 because I wanted them to have it cut.

Yes, sulking is manipulative

@Madams I could have written this myself. I am really loving this thread but your post hit home. Do you have any tips for working on not to be a shouty parent? I am really trying but as soon as I am tired and they are not listening to me I revert to shouting :(

This is a really interesting thread to read. I often worry that I’ve gone too far in the opposite direction to my parents. My upbringing was extremely strict (and as a result I’m a people pleaser with heaps of anxiety and no self confidence, but amazing manners and work ethic), whereas I’m probably too soft on my kids. I’m sure there are plenty of things they’ll resent me for when they’re older (rainy camping holidays, a run-down and often messy house, my dh and I are pretty quiet introverts) but I don’t think we’re messing anything up too badly. I’m pretty sure I question myself and my parenting a lot more than my mum ever did though.

Your mother sounds similar to mine @Wakeupits1995again . Although we were poorer so not money to spend on excess food. She showed no interest in my schoolwork I was never encouraged or allowed hobbies and I was always described as being in the way (not sure what I was in the way of though).

@Notsurewhattodoorsay I'm exactly the same, tiredness is a big factor and also, if I'm not on my best parenting behaviour, I revert to the example shown by my parents, who were big shouters and screamers (DM particularly).

I do give myself a time out if I realise I'm ranting - I'll go into another room and calm down/contemplate my life choices. 😂

Probably my most batshit trick is to parent as if someone is watching. As in, I ask myself how I would feel if someone could see me in that moment. Usually I realise I'm being a complete knob and I'd be embarrassed if I were seen like that.

Provide them with a safe space. Nobody beats anyone here, there’s no SA, no drunken parents (we like a drink but are happy drinkers), they are able to share their feelings and worries and we do everything we can to help them.

As a result they want to be around us, we’re in the middle of nowhere for a quiet Christmas and it’s been bliss, board games, movies, log fire, dog walks and endless laughter. It’s made me proud of the life we provide and sad that my own parents were incapable of loving their children.

Thank you for replying. I try to do time out but often I’ve done the shouting rant and then hate myself. Love the idea of imagining someone is watching you. I will try that!

And yes - my mum shouted every single day so that’s the example I have too.

Ask them what they’d like to do today etc. I’d ask my mum what we were going to be doing and she’d say “whatever your dad wants to do”. We never got a say in anything.

I have never once used their dad as a threat “wait until your dad gets home” “I’m going to tell dad” - I was terrified of him as a result.

Never mention my weight or a diet I might be on. Never body shame my daughter or my son or anyone for that matter. I have a high functioning eating disorder because of this.

Never criticise them or compare them to their friends/other sibling/cousins etc.

Tell them what they are good at. I only ever heard about what I was shit at.

Validate their feelings if they are upset/hurt/ill.

Hug and kiss them several times a dad. My parents told us they loved us daily but my mum was not affectionate - I went to my dad for hugs and he was often away with work for long periods of time.

Take them on interesting trips and holidays. My parents had money (not rich) but they were lazy in this department and preferred to spend money on material items - our holidays were to grandparents houses only.

Make sure they can swim and drive asap.

Encourage them to do well at school and steer them towards higher education - not assume my daughter will marry a man with a good job who will take over from them. My daughter knows the importance of having her own career and being financially independent.

wow, that was long and I haven’t even got started.

Gives me a little hope for my DC’s.

Their DF, my exDH, has created real rivalry and convinced one of the DC’s to have the same view as he (DF) has of the other.
Their DF doesn't value education, hated me being more qualified than him, has convinced the younger DC to drop out of sixth form and continues to peddle his view that the elder is a waste of space because he isn't yet using his masters degree to the full extent.

Awful to be in the middle of.

Tips welcome in changing the story.

Encouraging reading and buying books. I was raised in the early 50s and we lived with my nan. If any of us, including my dad sat down to read a book we were told off. Both my Nan and Mother would accuse us of being lazy. “Get up of

your backside and do somethings useful”.

Despite that I was an excellent reader as I went to Sunday School and loved reading the bible stories. I was often picked to read at the Church from then Old Testament which had very complicated words. My brother always struggled.

We were saved by an Uncle who bought us a complete set of the Children’s Encyclopaedia Britannica.

I'm far from a perfect parent myself, I'm guilty of being a lazy parent and giving my DD screen time instead of sitting down playing with her. Also being on my phone too much when I'm with her... I'm trying hard to work on this.
I'm a young millennial and growing and even still now I get told they love me constantly and they were very affectionate towards me so I can't blame them for that. Probably because their parents never did!! But a few things I definitely wouldn't do -

• Make sure I'm on time for things, I was always late for everything as a child. My friends always used to make comments about it
• have a clean and tidy house, my house was dirty and messy and I was always very embarrassed inviting friends round
• give my children stability with housing and schools. I was moved around the country a lot growing up and went to numerous schools. It was just because they felt like living somewhere new, got bored of where they lived. I feel it was utterly selfish thing to do. I was an introvert and extremely shy so made it even worse. I struggle to build long term friendships with people and wonder if it was because of how much I moved about as a child.
• be financially responsible so that I can financially support them as much as possible. E.g. Pay for their driving lessons when they turn 17 and contribute a decent amount for a deposit on a house for them. Both my grandparents were much better with money so both my parents were given large sums of money to get on the housing ladder when they were young adults . So both my parents now should realistically be very financially comfortable. They also had ok paying jobs when I was growing up. But all they did was spend their money on themselves, waste it on stupid things, even if I got given money for Christmas from family they'd keep it to themselves. They're divorced now but one parent lives in social housing and the other has a 100k mortgage. Both in their 60s. Neither of them have pensions. They also never really helped me financially in anything and I always felt poor growing up.

The main thing I've done differently is being a bit more physical, as in hugs, bringing kids into bed with me in the mornings, playing together with child on my lap, cuddle on the sofa, etc. My dad was never that comfortable with hugs (he would freeze if you hugged him, which made it feel wrong), and my mum hated having a fidgety child on her lap and would terf us off. I've always been slightly awkward being physically close with people as a result (I still struggle with it and can even flinch if someone so much as touches my shoulder if im not expecting it), and I wanted my kids to be comfortable showing physical closeness in a healthy way. However, my middle son still became just like me when he hit his teens, so perhaps it's neurological, not parenting.

My parents were great in other ways though, not mean or neglectful or anything like that, and I don't blame them for how I am at all.

Things i won’t do that my dad did:
Drink when looking after my kids
Be a drug dealer and drive drugs round in car driving kids in.

Things i wont do that my mum did:
Smack so hard it left hand marks
Rely on benefits and mainly waste it on crap
Tell my kids behave or the children’s home at bottom of street will hear and come take you away
Be late for school every single day and late to collect them every single day
Be unable to replace the boiler so leave my kids without access to any hot water apart from a kettle for 6mth
Drink cold/soft drinks out of a mug as never had any actual glasses
Refuse to pay for any music lessons (ok fair enough she never had any money) but then tell people such a shame we just not musically gifted as a family
Talk about sex whilst their children listening
Tell your child that their father screamed shut that baby up every time you cried

SophWin · Today 10:08

Tips welcome in changing the story.

Has he got a patio? Bury him under that...

Its quite sad the amount of people who've commented that their parents never told them they loved them. I was going to comment the same thing, but I wonder if it was a generational thing? I'm a Gen Xer, so grew up in the 70s and 80s; I knew that my parents loved me, but I don't ever recall them saying it to me. I just don't think it was the done thing back then.

My DDs are both now adults but I still them I love them. DH and I also made a point of:

1. Acknowledging and apologising for our mistakes
2. Telling them how proud we are of them and their achievements
3. Playing with them when they were little (I don't remember my mum ever really playing with me)
4. Showing them lots of affection
5. Never resorting to smacking as a means of discipline (I still remember the sheer terror of being smacked as a child)

I know I've not been a perfect parent and I'm sure I've made mistakes. Equally, I don't blame or resent my parents for the way they did things. I genuinely believe they didn't know any better and, on the whole, I had a very happy childhood. I think it's only natural though, to reflect on your own upbringing when you have children, and carry forward the positive aspects and change/improve the negative ones.

Also, want to add: respecting the fact that my children have their own minds and are entitled to have different opinions to me on things, rather than trying to force my own beliefs and ideologies onto them, and then making them feeling guilty when they don't agree!

I don't drink. It was partly responsible for my dad's early demise, and 100% the cause of my mother's. At one point I was heading that way myself, but I 'saw the light' and realised I didn't want my kids to feel like I did when they died (I was an adult; my kids are adults, but they're still my kids 😚)
And I'm happier now than I ever was when I drank ... giving up took away a whole load of issues.

Would you shout at your boss if they were irritating you? Or your friends? Or your Mum? If not, then you are capable of not shouting. It's a choice

@NeedToChangeName It is a choice, you're right. It's totally ingrained in me as I had shouty parents and I do lapse back into bad habits when I'm tired/stressed, it's a work in progress. But you're right that I wouldn't shout at my boss (though he's deserved it in his time!). I guess this is what happens when you're used to an abusive dynamic. The change is entirely possible but it takes continual work.

This is exactly my experience too, some leeway with my mum as she was a single parent to 4 kids and worked multiple jobs, but I just feel like you’d make it happen wouldn’t you? I know I will be with my two!