Things you make a point of doing as a parent, that your parents didn’t

[Wakeupits1995again]

Bit of a long winded title 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was thinking about it today.

Dd has her two neighbour friends over, they drop in to play most weekends and I try to make sure I have some carton drinks in for them, kid’s biscuits, fruit packs/snacks etc, especially for them. We’re not a snacks type house (I don’t generally buy biscuits or crisps on the supermarket shop.
I do this as I like providing for her friends, Dd enjoys it and I grew up without it. I remember many occasions where i’d feel embarrassed as a child as friends would come round and my mum never offered anything or there wasn’t anything I could give them when they asked. I remember one friend saying how hungry she was and asking for a bite of cheddar cheese from the fridge. We weren’t poor, but I think all food was accounted for. I lived in a very wealthy area and often felt embarrassed by my house (a 4 bedroom house with garden-nothing to be embarrassed of!) but this didn’t help.
Also my mum didn’t really invite friends over for dinner, even after I was invited to theirs numerous times, I often had to beg until
she’d relent. She didn’t really have friends, which I feel sad about, but it was if she didn’t know how to host at all or didn’t see the importance of being welcoming to my friends.
I can be shy but I’ve forced myself out of my comfort zone for the sake of Dd and make sure we have an involved social life
There are other things, like not being involved in homework at all, no checking it/helping, also I didn’t go to any clubs/dance classes. When I ask about it, she says ‘Well you never asked to’ doesn’t the parent need to be the one initiating it when kids are young?
Was this just my mum or was it 80/90’s parenting? (I’m 47 now)
I do so many things differently

My parents also never encouraged hobbies. I did gymnastics for a while when I was very small and when I asked to stop going they never encouraged anything ever again. My brother did lots of sports because he insisted on it, but my parents made it very clear from how they spoke about it that it was a big imposition on them to take him to the training and matches. So I felt too guilty to ask them to do things for me on top.

I'm the opposite with my son. He's only 3, so for the moment we choose his activities but I make a point of taking him to as much as possible and being enthusiastic about it all. Assuming he doesn't get a taste for something we can't afford or can't accommodate, we will always make time for his hobbies.

Yes, absolutely tons of stuff.

I don’t spank him

when I do something wrong (raise my voice, snap) I apologise and make sure he knows it wasn’t his fault and he didn’t deserve it

I validate his emotions instead of telling him off when he isn’t cheerful or accusing him of being sulky

I don’t force him to finish food

I don’t tell him he’s pathetic and disgusting when he sucks his thumb

I don’t force him to hug or kiss family members

I don’t use shame to motivate him into compliance

I don’t comment on his size or weight

When my DS was younger, I used to think what would my mum do in any given situation and do the exact opposite!

I kept my son emotionally safe. I did not beat the crap out of him if I was upset,. I talked everything through with him, allowed him privacy, opinions and to make his own choices.

I plan to be able to discuss things and disagree without wielding my authority or threatening to withdraw love because of opinions.

Times change, and young people think differently to us, and sometimes they're just working things out.

Sometimes I was chatting about ideas and my mum would treat me with absolute rancour if I disagreed with her. She described me as a monster once just for my questions about animal rights (very innocuous - just about whether a dead human should have more rights than a living animal).

I also plan to

• Treat them as an equal member of the family when it comes to decision making for things like holidays, days out, decorating their rooms etc. My parents just did whatever they wanted, even when they knew I hated it or when it was bad timing (eg there were 2 weeks of study leave before my GCSEs and they booked a family holiday in that time)

• Teach them to do things around the house, rather than never teach them, do it all for them and then suddenly turn on them when they're a teenager and constantly have a go at them because they didn't wake up one day and start doing it off their own back.

That’s heartbreaking! I’m so sorry this happened to you!

I also never comment on anyone's weight but this somehow backfired and the word 'fat' and its meaning has become taboo. Definitely failed there.

I don't tell them I love them continually. Frequently but not all the time. I found it smothering as a child. I think treating them as if they are genuinely interesting and worth a peer to peer conversation achieves more.

Big feelings are fine, loud is fine provided they're not milking it. If they're causing hurt they are encouraged to take a break privately.

I think it's also really important to remember that our children are just small humans. They don't set out to be disrespectful if they're having a bad day. Having choices taken away is highly frustrating. Old people don't become childish because they're old. This is how anyone reacts when they don't have autonomy. So I overlook behaviour that is clearly arising from how hellishly aggravating it is to have someone else making choices for you and I try to have cooperative plans. Letting introverts be introverts and building in time for this is crucial. They aren't expected to be on fire about something on a particular day because 'all kids love this'.

I don't sanitize the world for them that much. If they want to know why suffering exists or what might happen if they do go with a stranger, we go there to an extent. The imagined fear is always worse, at least while it's still a concept. An unexpected spinoff of this is they're interested in politics because decisions can make big changes for vulnerable people. And they choose to give to charities.

I like my kids more than most adults. And they know I am so into them. I was never sure if I was a disappointment or not as a child. The expectations were so high and I met a lot of them but it was like walking a high wire. I try to make my kids feel they own their life and the experiences they have. I don't own them and they're not doing it for me.

My DC get to live at home. I was a boarder from age 7. When my now teen DC were that age the thought of it made me feel sick.

Love them, make sure they know I love them!
respect them, value their opinion, listen to them, always have time for them and encourage them to be the amazing individuals that they are.

not the “opinionated, awful, boring, disgusting thing that is only good for one thing” that I was raised to be.

Sounds like common practice for others I'd imagine, but for me I bought the appropriate stuff required by them for school, so they didn't stand out...

E.g. I didn't send my DC into school with a free mini calculator from the bank, when they needed a specific Texas Instrument.

Proper training shoes for indoor and outdoor sports instead of the same Tesco trainers for 8 years, worn down with toes poking through the fabric and a too tight, out grown sports kit.

Adequate packed food for day trips with extra spending money for gift shop/treats etc.

Money was never a problem growing up, mortgage was paid off before I went to secondary school and both parents worked full time. They just refused to comply to all school requests, lists etc and did things their way, making me stand out for attention with teachers, other students etc.

I hated it. Even as a single parent I managed to make sure my DC had what was required, and put their needs over my own, replied to invitations promptly, made it to appointments and concerts on time etc.

Broadly speaking I think my parents did a good job of parenting.

The only two things I (consciously) do are - apologise when I am wrong or overact and ensure I live close to my child’s school.

There may be things I do (or don’t do) on a subconscious level but the above are the two actively considered differences.

Neither parent ever apologised, I do think it is an important thing to do with children. It teaches them that adults can be wrong and that actually, it is ok to admit when they are themselves wrong. We lived bloody miles away from where I went to school which really impacted my ability to socialise. The latter may have been more important in the 90’s/early 00’s given children seem to do rather less face to face socialising now but it was important to me that it was an option.

Mine did somewhat let us all just get on with it and because of that I didn't do as well in my GCSEs as I could have done and I screwed up my A Levels so badly that it took me 3 years and I got 2 E's even though at one point I was predicted AAB. I was depressed and they didn't notice/realise.

So I am mindful of keeping check on what is going on with my DC and their school and emotional wellbeing but I also do not want to be overbearing, it's a fine balance.

Being on time. My parents were late for everything.
Asking my children how their day was. Even though I often just get grunted at, I always ask. My parents never bothered.
Taking my children to swimming lessons and other clubs, again, my parents never bothered.

The main thing I do that my parents don’t do is a negative: not drinking alcohol every night of the week.

My dad was a high functioning alcoholic and it took me decades to learn that you don’t have to have alcohol with every meal or social event.

Other than that I try to properly listen to my DD and allow her her own emotions and opinions. I don’t gloss over everything difficult or unpleasant, which my mum did.

Where to begin! I’ve done everything differently.

Clean, matching pyjamas every night
Clean school uniform daily
Matching socks
Swimming lessons and other extra curricular activities
Days out, holidays
Shared time - reading, board games etc.
Affection

Tell my kids that I love them

Repair if I've shouted

Acknowledge their feelings, sit with them during upset if they want me to (5&3) and allow them to have an opinion

Attend at least one school event every academic year (my parents never did any)

I did everything differently but I always worry that my children will say they hated things I’ve done, although everything I did was always with good intentions. I tried too hard to be a perfect parent (I know there is no such thing) but I worried all the time and put so much pressure on myself as my parents were lazy parents who were toxic, violent and at times neglectful. I remember my mother being shocked that my children always told my husband and I they loved us, my mother never said those words to us and then suddenly she started saying it to me when I was in my 30s, I hated it, it was too late and so can’t and don’t want to ever say it back to her.

My parents never helped me with homework but to be fair they didn't have much education themselves. Dad left school with one CSE, mum left with none whatsoever so its possible they didn't have the confidence or skills to do so.

My parents never apologised if they were in the wrong, and were of the "do as I say because I tell you to" approach. I apologise to my children if I think I've been in the wrong and try to give a reason for things that I tell them to do or not to do - I think if they know the reason why I've said xyz they are more likely to remember what I've said and do as they're asked. Not guaranteed of course but I think it helps.

Conversely I don't do some things that they (allegedly) did. I asked my mum for potty training advice yesterday as my 2.5 year old isn't interested in potty in the slightest so I asked her what she did. She said to give him a smack. 😱 I asked her how that worked, she said when I was his age I'd wee in potty. One time I didn't wee in the potty, she smacked me & I never got it wrong again, I was perfectly potty trained after that point it only took one whack. Whilst I'm sure she believes this really happened I can't believe it's actually true! I've never smacked my children and she knows I won't do it, but apparently it worked perfectly... 🤷‍♀️

Too many things to fit on a list here. The broad point though is that I try to be a conscious parent, taking my responsibility seriously and always trying to do what will be best for my child, from small decisions to big ones. I don't always get it right but at least I try and when I get it wrong I say sorry. It can be so hard to see that gap between what we had and what we want for our own children, but I think we're very lucky as a generation of parents that mental health is finally taken seriously and isn't a taboo subject. Through parenting well we can heal ourselves and have the families we deserved as children. I realise this sounds a bit confused but my God this would be long if I tried to explain properly.

Lack of privacy - shower, toilet, bedroom, diary...you name it
Hitting, shouting, making me stay at the table until I ate every bit of dinner, it felt like hours of crying whilst being forced to stay at the table
Inappropriate comments in front of me, my friends
Kicking off in public and private regularly for very little reason
She was an awful awful woman
I've been told that when I had a child I would suddenly appreciate her and the sacrifices she made and want a relationship with her...absolutely not, I would never treat my daughter like she did
She was selfish, lazy, rude and cruel

Similar to PP- apologise, be the house that friends descend upon, snacks freely available, very open about periods/sex, after school/weekend clubs a-plenty, school trips (I was never allowed to go) and lots of encouragement. I’ve tried to instil confidence and grit by allowing dd to be brave and go for things, even if totally possible that the thing might fail, whereas my childhood was very cautious.

Sorry those are things she did that I won't!

Tell them how amazing they are.
Tell them how proud I am of them.
Allow them to have friends over.
Allow them freedom.
Not make them fear me.
I don't smack them.
Tell them that no matter what they can always come home.

Basically just be decent.

Having a relaxed attitude to "unhealthy" food.

My kids eat home cooked, healthy meals and healthy snacks but also are allowed to indulge in unhealthy foods (within moderation of course) - to which I allow myself the same courtesy.

My mam has always been a health freak. Everything has to be cooked "the healthy way" which often means steaming or boiling everything, or not seasoning food🤦🏻‍♀️

Even if she enjoys something like chocolate, or a dish with a cream sauce, or real butter she's got this toxic mindset of "ooh no I can't possibly" - or if she does "give in" she will have to go for an extra run to "work it off". Her hyperfixating over not eating anything at all "unhealthy" is what I think lead to my younger sister having an eating disorder.

My 7 year old the other week said to me "we can't get nanny chocolate for Christmas because it's not healthy so she can't have it", obviously I made it clear to her that nanny can have chocolate she just chooses not to - and we can all enjoy the food we like, when we like and that everyones bodies are built differently and that's okay.

But yeah, just something I do differently as I'm raising 3 daughters and I never want them to feel like they can't enjoy a certain food because how you look is more important.