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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How bad was this behaviour in church?

223 replies

cavapoochris · 27/12/2024 11:43

I'm trying to work it out. I went to a carol service on Christmas Eve. Church packed. I kept my kids with me. Mum A's kids were allowed to roam free. They were up by the choir, chatting and laughing. One child made animal noises during a solo. They were pulling faces and sort of wrestling about. One child was actually grabbed by one of the choir at one point to stop them messing about. Two of the kids climbed over the prayer rail and were playing behind the altar. You could see the choir were getting upset. Mum B is spitting tacks about the whole thing, saying it was totally disrespectful. I thought it was pretty awful, but I don't know what's "normal" for these carol services nowadays. When I was a kid in church, we sat in silence and it just wasn't even a question. I would say this was a fairly traditional service, usually very beautiful and tranquil. The choir work hard to rehearse. I suppose the AIBU is was Mum A reasonable to let the kids mess about?

OP posts:
Original poster
cavapoochris · 27/12/2024 11:58

Dandylione · 27/12/2024 11:55

I suspect some of the yabu votes are because people find this sort of thread irritating rather than endorsing the behaviour described. The faux naive "oh I don't know if this is ok these days" is a bit tired you obviously just wanted to tell Mumsnet you saw some kids being shits.

No, I think I'm also trying to work out how reasonable Mum B being really cross about the whole thing is.

OP posts:
WaitingforStrike · 27/12/2024 11:58

Dandylione · 27/12/2024 11:55

I suspect some of the yabu votes are because people find this sort of thread irritating rather than endorsing the behaviour described. The faux naive "oh I don't know if this is ok these days" is a bit tired you obviously just wanted to tell Mumsnet you saw some kids being shits.

I've changed it now, but I voted yabu as I thought that was a vote for Mum A being unreasonable!

Screamingabdabz · 27/12/2024 12:00

cavapoochris · 27/12/2024 11:58

No, I think I'm also trying to work out how reasonable Mum B being really cross about the whole thing is.

Show quote history

I think you should send her this thread. She needs to know she’s a selfish dick.

TortillaChipAddict · 27/12/2024 12:00

My DD is 5 and on the waiting list for an autism assessment. We got through the first twenty minutes of a cathedral carol service and then she started to get v antsy so we cut out losses, called it a win we got to sing two songs and went home. I would never allow her to behave like that in a church service - unfortunately if you are a parent you may have to sacrifice some of your experiences so you don’t totally disrupt the experience for everybody else

Wickedclimber · 27/12/2024 12:01

I think on reflection, if I was leading the service, I might have been inclined to discreetly ask the soloist if they wanted to do their solo again. And when I announced it to the congregation I'd have said something along the lines of "Please can we have quiet in the room from parents AND children, as singing a solo can be daunting enough as it is".

GaspingGekko · 27/12/2024 12:03

Dandylione · 27/12/2024 11:55

I suspect some of the yabu votes are because people find this sort of thread irritating rather than endorsing the behaviour described. The faux naive "oh I don't know if this is ok these days" is a bit tired you obviously just wanted to tell Mumsnet you saw some kids being shits.

I voted YABU because of the last line: I suppose the AIBU is was Mum A reasonable to let the kids mess about?

Mum A was being unreasonable.

ErrolTheDragon · 27/12/2024 12:04

Dandylione · 27/12/2024 11:55

I suspect some of the yabu votes are because people find this sort of thread irritating rather than endorsing the behaviour described. The faux naive "oh I don't know if this is ok these days" is a bit tired you obviously just wanted to tell Mumsnet you saw some kids being shits.

I've not voted because it's not clear if it was meant to be the op who was BU or mum A.

Dandylione · 27/12/2024 12:05

GaspingGekko · 27/12/2024 12:03

I voted YABU because of the last line: I suppose the AIBU is was Mum A reasonable to let the kids mess about?

Mum A was being unreasonable.

Show quote history

Oh yeah that too!

MoralOrLegal · 27/12/2024 12:06

The vote is confusing!

How old were the free-range kids? and also, how old were the choristers (all adults, or mixed with children)? I suspect that I would be (even) more annoyed/angry if there were kids in the choir trying to focus.

Readmorebooks40 · 27/12/2024 12:07

When anyone is performing the audience should always be quiet and respectful (unless asked otherwise). The fact it's in the church makes it even more disrespectful. I'm not religious but was brought up a Catholic and if a child couldn't be quiet then the parents took them out. It's fair enough if you don't believe a church is a sacred space but you still have to respect that others do and if you feel that way don't go and make a mockery of it. A little bit of noise is expected & of course children will make some noise but to let your child roam about freely is just really bad manners and completely disrespectful to the poor children (& teachers) trying to perform. I attended two carol services in 2 different churches this December with lots of children in attendance and both were beautiful and no children were allowed to run around.

suburburban · 27/12/2024 12:07

It's just not appropriate and you have to be considerate of other people

Take them out of the service for a while especially the one making noises

Bring some colouring or reading

AnnaMagnani · 27/12/2024 12:09

I'd expect some general child noise at a carol service, and would tolerate free roaming children, but that's awful.

I'd have expected the minister leading the service to intervene when the kids started climbing around the altar.

Original poster
cavapoochris · 27/12/2024 12:09

The kids were 3, 5 and 7ish.

OP posts:
MoralOrLegal · 27/12/2024 12:09

(I also might have expected a verger to have had a word, but there's a huge range of setups...)

Original poster
cavapoochris · 27/12/2024 12:10

And sorry about the vote confusion! I'm a Mumsnet reader - don't comment often and I think this is def first vote!

OP posts:
GuineaPigWig · 27/12/2024 12:12

YABU to ask a fake question you already know the answer to! I’m surprised no one said or did anything about this situation.

Inyournewdress · 27/12/2024 12:12

That is appalling behaviour and inexcusable because there are two lines of defence here…one, you try to control the behaviour and two, if you can’t you just take them out.

Wickedclimber · 27/12/2024 12:13

GuineaPigWig · 27/12/2024 12:12

YABU to ask a fake question you already know the answer to! I’m surprised no one said or did anything about this situation.

As stated above, I am a minister in the Church of England.

I can absolutely guarantee that this is a regular occurrence!

Wheresthebeach · 27/12/2024 12:13

That's awful. I actually think a sides person or vicar should have ushered them back to their parents. Completely unacceptable.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 27/12/2024 12:14

Most people are happy to make some exceptions for children's behaviour during church services but there are some things you don't do. Disrupting solos is one of them and playing on the altar is totally disrespectful. Regardless of what the service is the altar is a religious symbol and should be respected as such by everyone in the church.

Wickedclimber · 27/12/2024 12:15

Wheresthebeach · 27/12/2024 12:13

That's awful. I actually think a sides person or vicar should have ushered them back to their parents. Completely unacceptable.

I certainly would have done!

CheshireCat1 · 27/12/2024 12:15

It doesn’t matter if it was a child friendly service. The mother of the children was showing total disrespect by not removing her children from the situation.

NancyJoan · 27/12/2024 12:15

Child friendly at our cathedral is more ‘we don’t mind a bit of quiet talking, and why not take them for a walk around at the back of the service if they get fidgety’, not ‘treat us a a soft play centre’. This would have made me so cross. My DD had the Once In Royal solo last year. She was so nervous, and it was a very big deal for her (and also me!), this sort of behaviour would have upset her so much.

fuzzychic · 27/12/2024 12:16

cavapoochris · 27/12/2024 11:49

There def aren't additional needs. I think that would be a completely different situation.

I don't think that would be acceptable even in those circumstances

Thunderpants88 · 27/12/2024 12:17

What age are were the kids in question?

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