DH asking if I had a nice Christmas irks me

[RainbowDr0p]

I know I am probably BU but wondering if I am alone in this?!

We've had a lovely few days, Christmas's ice skating, mulled wine and shopping in York then lovely Christmas day and pizza hut, shopping and a panto yesterday. Everyone in good spirits.

On Christmas evening, DH asked if I had a nice day. I bit my tongue and said yes, have you?" and he said yes too. Last night he asked if I had a nice Christmas and I said I had but I hated being asked that as had I given any indication otherwise? He said he was just trying to make conversation and I told him he's not my hairdresser! We didn't row or anything and moved on just fine.

I've realised he asks this a lot after we have had nice days or unusual days. AIBU in thinking it's an unimaginative - maybe praise seeking - question?!!!

Im totally guilty of asking this question of my DP, sorry OP, totally don't mean anything by it other than 'have you had a nice day' and maybe as a way to invite some conversation about why it was or wasn't nice? I'm a very people pleaser type though so could be why

Not knowing your relationship you are more likely to be right if you think your DH is asking for other reasons

It’s a bit weird, given that he (unlike your hairdresser) was present for all of it.

Sounds like you have the Ick?
Did he help in the run up and do his share?
If he didn't and is asking did you enjoy it, like he played a part in making it nice, that would irritate me?

I think you are being a bit unfair. If my DH didn’t ask whether I’d had a nice Christmas I’d think he didn’t care and that he thought it was all about him / the kids. I put a lot of effort into making Christmas special (DH does help but I love doing it) and I like it that he checks I am enjoying it as I think if I said I wasn’t that he’d change things up so I did.

I also check in with him too - that’s just how we work.

Your angry because your DP asked if you had a nice day?
I don’t get it.

This seems like a weird thing to be irritated by but if he has form for annoying you / not pulling his weight / being a PITA it’s maybe colouring your view.

It sounds like you have a husband who cares about your feelings and experience.

You could answer with something like, loved it, but it would be even better if I had a nice cup of tea.

Seems perfectly normal to me. What a weird thing to start a thread about!

Huh? What's the problem with asking that?

Yes that's it!! Like when we have friends over for an evening then they leave and he asks "did you have a nice night?". I can only say "yes" so it's a pointless question! If things go to shit he wouldnt ask!

I've read and reread the OP and cannot understand why someone would be annoyed by this.
Only on MN would someone be so easily offended!

I think you sound a bit mean to be honest. My husband and I always ask each other if we've enjoyed the day (when it's a special day) and usually thank each other for it as well. He's allowed to ask me anything and I am allowed to ask him anything. I'd hate to think there were certain questions that were off limits or I was forbidden from asking because they sounded like hairdresser questions 🤷

Maybe he's asking because you look cross or stoney faced or pissed off...?

Sounds like maybe there's some bigger issues with the relationship going on....

I feel like there's maybe something else, a pattern of some kind, if you go straight from 'have you had a nice day?' to 'he's seeking praise'. It might be from him or you might have experienced it in the past from someone else.

DH checks in with me like this because he's autistic and wants to make sure he's interpreted things right and hasn't just steamrollered me into a day of activities or created a load of extra 'mental load' type stuff for me. I check in with one of my friends because she'd rather be on fire than derail everyone's day in a group outing but would quietly tell me if she wasn't enjoying it or didn't want to do something again. My dad checks in with my mum like this because he's praise-seeking having grown up in an environment where no-one really acknowledged things that others did for them.

He probably thinks it's just a nice, easy way to feel good together, to look back over and chat about a few nice days. I think it seems innocuous.

I think there’s something underlying if DH asking if you had a nice day causes this much annoyance. I would have just said answered the question or maybe chatted about my favourite experiences. It just sounds like he I making conversation and checking in with his wife who’s probably been run ragged tbh

I don’t really understand why you are annoyed? He sounds like he is trying to gauge whether you enjoyed it. Are you quite hard to read?

He does a fair share, and he likes to cook Xmas lunch so that's a big contribution. I think it makes me feel like I'm supposed to gush about it all and that's not me, at least not if forced!

I actually understand what you mean. If my husband asked me this it would be because he'd done something he considered praiseworthy and was looking for me to repeatedly thank him.
Like on the very rare occasion he washes a single cup, he'll remind me several times that he's done so like he deserves a medal.
Annoys me to no end.

This.

Isn't that a fairly normal conversation starter among people who care about one another?

He sounds nice.

It's a fine question and if there is anything that would make it better a time to reflect.

Yes I enjoyed the day but felt a bit out of the loop cooking whilst everyone else was doing XYZ, next year I'd like to.....

Yes, I enjoyed going to X but Y was a bit crowded next year we should try....

Some men can't do right for doing wrong on here! You sound hard work.

If he's just checking in that's fine & normal, if it's a loaded question where you are supposed to gush about his contribution then that is really really annoying.

But there is not only one way to answer this. It's a conversation starter. If you think the only way to answer is 'yes', then that's where the problem lies!!

I'd answer something like, 'oh yes it was so lovely to see Paula and Mike, we should see them more often'. To which husband might reply something like, 'yes, can't believe Mike's now working with X and y, so interesting to hear! You r right we should get together sooner next time...', and so the conversation continues ......

(Obviously depending on the evening, who was there, what was discussed, many alternative conversations could emerge. Mine is just an example!.. But the point is 'yes' is not how most people would answer the question. Are you ND?)

It's a common conversation starter. Generally an invitation for both of you to express pleasure at the time you just spent together and reflect on the good life you are living.

I'm sorry you don't like your husband. What will you do about it?

I think it’s a very normal question but rooted a bit in mindfulness/gratitude/presence, so if you dislike that generally then that could be at the root of your annoyance.

It’s a question that prompts for a reflection on the recent past and for gratitude of what you have, and what you have just experienced. For most people it amplifies their happiness by giving them more time to notice it.

If you are feeling generally unhappy then it can feel stressful and make you angry to reflect like that, because it is amplifying your unhappiness.