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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH asking if I had a nice Christmas irks me

259 replies

RainbowDr0p · 27/12/2024 10:04

I know I am probably BU but wondering if I am alone in this?!

We've had a lovely few days, Christmas's ice skating, mulled wine and shopping in York then lovely Christmas day and pizza hut, shopping and a panto yesterday. Everyone in good spirits.

On Christmas evening, DH asked if I had a nice day. I bit my tongue and said yes, have you?" and he said yes too. Last night he asked if I had a nice Christmas and I said I had but I hated being asked that as had I given any indication otherwise? He said he was just trying to make conversation and I told him he's not my hairdresser! We didn't row or anything and moved on just fine.

I've realised he asks this a lot after we have had nice days or unusual days. AIBU in thinking it's an unimaginative - maybe praise seeking - question?!!!

OP posts:
Newusernameforthiss · 27/12/2024 11:27

As others have said, he's checking in? Are you having a nice time? I ask my DJ this a lot because he's the type to suffer in silence then have a meltdown later on, better to check in that let the quiet ones suffer, especially when routine is out the window !! He cares about you, sounds nice 🤷‍♀️

AndThereSheGoes · 27/12/2024 11:28

@TheAntisocialButterfly and @GoldsolesLugs

But why are you waiting until he asks? Surely it's better for emotional intimacy to be able to communicate as you go along.

I think directed questions demonstrate the partner is interested rather than a pointless question designed to affirm his own thoughts (whilst making sure you are suitably grateful)

Wonderi · 27/12/2024 11:28

You’re being childish.

You know that he’s not trying to be rude, he’s genuinely trying to be nice and asking about your feelings.

This is a you problem and you just need to say “yes it was great, how about you?”

Lots of people like to reflect on their day, especially if it has been good.

WhatDaHell · 27/12/2024 11:29

Sorry, OP. You sound tightly wound in your post.

Jumell · 27/12/2024 11:29

Alwaystired2023 · 27/12/2024 10:06

Im totally guilty of asking this question of my DP, sorry OP, totally don't mean anything by it other than 'have you had a nice day' and maybe as a way to invite some conversation about why it was or wasn't nice? I'm a very people pleaser type though so could be why

Not knowing your relationship you are more likely to be right if you think your DH is asking for other reasons

This

itsgettingweird · 27/12/2024 11:30

JMSA · 27/12/2024 10:09

I've read and reread the OP and cannot understand why someone would be annoyed by this.
Only on MN would someone be so easily offended!

Not just me then?!

Seriously OP you're complaining because you have a present DH and attentive DH and one who cares about if you've had a good day or not?

Pointynoseowner · 27/12/2024 11:31

You sound nice, bet he's glad he married such a star

Huffleruff · 27/12/2024 11:31

m00rfarm · 27/12/2024 11:26

That is really not the same thing at all.

Show quote history

No, i appreciate that it's probably not the same. And my comment wasn't helpful. Apologies OP.

GreatGardenstuff · 27/12/2024 11:32

We do this; it’s a chance to pause and reflect on good times spent together, amongst the rush and routine of everyday family life. I think it’s a positive habit.

buttonousmaximous · 27/12/2024 11:34

Dh doesn't give much away do I will often ask him did he enjoy xyz. I wouldn't say it's a big deal

Ruby0707 · 27/12/2024 11:35

I get the after work thing. My partner has a job where he interacts and talks to people all day, the last thing he wants to do it talk more when he gets in. I work from home so see no one and want to chat. We have an agreement where I let him settle in and then he lets me know when he's ready to talk. Have you communicated your needs in that sense?

Asking if you've had a nice time though....don't get the problem there at all, sorry. Maybe he is seeking some kind of confirmation or validation though if you don't give that out readily.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 27/12/2024 11:35

AndThereSheGoes · 27/12/2024 11:28

@TheAntisocialButterfly and @GoldsolesLugs

But why are you waiting until he asks? Surely it's better for emotional intimacy to be able to communicate as you go along.

I think directed questions demonstrate the partner is interested rather than a pointless question designed to affirm his own thoughts (whilst making sure you are suitably grateful)

Have you considered that people may have busy lives, and therefore may not have had chance yet to speak to their other half before they ask?

A normal day for us starts with alarms going off at half five, because we both start work at 8am and DD is an early riser (and DH has an hours drive). We dash about to make sure we're showered and have eaten and DD is sorted before DH leaves for work and I take her to nursery. Then we work a full day, everyone is home by 5 ish, we do dinner, bath & bedtime, dog walk, basic housework and by this point we're knackered but have an hour together. Then we might chat about the day. Which might be started off by "how was your day?" Or "did you have a nice day?".

This habit of chatting later doesn't break just because it's Christmas or a day out or whatever. It's just how life goes.

ilikemethewayiam · 27/12/2024 11:35

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 27/12/2024 10:30

If you aren't showing it, it's reasonable for him to check in in how you're feeling.

I think you are vbu over this.

Show quote history

This. My DH doesn’t show emotion and never expresses if he likes something or not, so I always have ask. It sounds like maybe you don’t give him any indication of whether you’ve enjoyed it or not and he’s simply doesn't know how you feel about it? I think maybe my husband is Neurodivergent in someway. There’s lots of other things that indicate he might be.

Tohaveandtohold · 27/12/2024 11:37

We do this a lot. That’s normally when the conversation starts. You’ll talk about the annoying or fun person at dinner, what someone said, if you’ll do it again, what you’ll change, etc. It’s harmless and I think this is a you issue, not him

CandyCane457 · 27/12/2024 11:37

I have to say I have chuckled a bit at this… I didn’t realise it was an ick. I do it to my boyfriend all the time 🤣
Whenever we’re on our way home from an event, or once were home, I’ll always say “did you have a good time?” Or “did you enjoy the night?” I don’t do it in a weird/needy way, or because I think he hasnt had fun, it’s more just…habit? Chat? It doesn’t bother him… at least I don’t think it does 🤣

User183647280293 · 27/12/2024 11:37

I do that all the time. It's a way for me to connect and reminisce and if your DH is anything like me it probably makes his heart happy to hear you say yes. I love my loved ones enjoying themselves it brings me so much joy. It's a bit like saying 'isn't DC/DN/DPet so cute?' which most people probably say more than once in their life 😁

STOPCOLLABERATEANDLISTEN19 · 27/12/2024 11:38

I have to admit OP, I think you are being unreasonable.

He sounds caring

I dont think it sounds 'praise seeking' at all. I think you sound hard work.

Perhaps you are hard to read and he honestly doesn't know if you have had a good day as you have shown no indication of enjoying yourself whatsoever.

Have you ever considered the outwards signs you are giving off - as to be offended by your OH asking if you have had a good day, indicates to me, that you are hard work and very easily offended.

The bloke must be walking on eggshells if you are offended by being asked this

BarbadosItsCloserThanYouThink · 27/12/2024 11:39

I asked my entire family this exact question! I don't see any issue with it.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 27/12/2024 11:39

Whether somebody was there for it or not is irrelevant really, you can both experience the same thing but one of you like it and one not surely?

CatsndtheBear · 27/12/2024 11:39

My DH asks me this and I also ask him... Why?
We don't always know what is going on in the other person's head and we like to just check the other is okay.

For example sometimes my DH will ask me this after we have had a busy (but fun) day because he knows I can find them overwhelming. It is giving me a chanve to either say I did have fun or to express any emotions I may have been mulling over.

Sometimes we do it just so we can have a good chat about all our favourite bits. It's nice to bond over shared experiences.

My fave bit may have been the lunch, maybe he liked the shopping and walk etc.

However... If he asks me what's for dinner then I really DP get the rage 😂

Enterthedragonqueen · 27/12/2024 11:41

If this is the extent of your worries then read the thread 'To have walked out tonight?' In aibu and give your head a wobble.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 27/12/2024 11:42

We do this too, it's easy to put on a face in company, so asking after is checking you actually did enjoy it.

Bet if he didn't, you'd accused him of not caring. Can't do right for doing wrong!

If you've had a bad day, it's a chance to offload and reflect on the little things.

Traffic was horrendous as usual, but managed to finish that podcast I started,
Lucy in accounts had her baby etc.

Even if it's to deflect, which I do if I don't particularly want to talk about work itself.
Nothing much today, more of the same, want to watch a movie?....

Delatron · 27/12/2024 11:42

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Me too! I know I’m in the minority but I hate it when my DH asks me if I’ve had a nice day. I do the same most days - work, walk the dog, maybe go for a run, clean up a load of mess around the house. What
doe he want me to say! ‘Oh it was amazing’

Also the ‘did you sleep well?’ usual answer from me ‘no I never sleep well’. Poor bloke!

I know I’m a grumpy cow though! I don’t want to be asked if I’ve had a nice day. It winds me up.

Christmas is a little different though.

godmum56 · 27/12/2024 11:43

DangerMouseAndPenfoldx · 27/12/2024 10:18

I think it’s a very normal question but rooted a bit in mindfulness/gratitude/presence, so if you dislike that generally then that could be at the root of your annoyance.

It’s a question that prompts for a reflection on the recent past and for gratitude of what you have, and what you have just experienced. For most people it amplifies their happiness by giving them more time to notice it.

If you are feeling generally unhappy then it can feel stressful and make you angry to reflect like that, because it is amplifying your unhappiness.

This exactly. My late DH and I also used to do it after we had entertained so that if either of us had noticed something we could mention it and discuss it....like eg "I thought Mum looked a bit tired by the end of the day, maybe we need to make it easier on her next time...." that kind of thing

Mrswhatsit40 · 27/12/2024 11:45

Dh asked me this too and after the second or third time I replied:

”Well, I’ve done all the shopping, including for your family, all the boring thinking about what to buy people, all the wrapping, all the decorating of the house to look magical, all the prep and cooking of endless meals and cleaning up afterwards as well as the mental load of making sure everything necessary is done - all the organisation of buying tickets to things and corralling everyone to be ready and out of the house on time (as no fucker ever is)
all this on top of my usual jobs such as laundry, cleaning toilets, picking stuff up off the floor, collecting towels and pots from the kids rooms when everything has disappeared, loading and unloading the dishwasher umpteen times a day etc etc...so no, apart from the half an hour it took to watch the kids open their presents I haven’t really had a “nice” time, it’s been fucking exhausting”!

So hopefully he won’t ask again.

On a serious note though op I get what you mean - it’s weird, as though they’re wanting praise (for what? Ordering me the bottle of perfume I asked for online and putting the bins out?)

I think dh thinks like yours it’s making conversation but I just find it odd.