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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with EX wife over gift giving for the children.

317 replies

As78 · 26/12/2024 17:46

Hi, dad here in need of some advice about me and my ex wife's different views on Christmas presents. Apologies if it's too long, I'm just trying to explaine the whole issue with all details.

4 children 12, 9, 7 & 5, for Christmas ex wife follows the something you want, something you need, something to wear & something to read method of gift giving, so each child will get 4 gifts, as an example my 9 year old got

Want - slime
Need - swim goggles.
Wear- t shirt
Read- book (not sure what book)

I do not follow this method of gift giving, it was ex wife's turn to have the kids on Christmas day so today I celebrated Christmas with my gf, my parents, her parents, both sets of siblings & the kids, so as you can imagine there was a lot more gifts. Around July time my ex spoke to me and asked me to follow her method of gift giving, I told her I wouldn't be doing this as we just needed to agree to disagree and respect each other's ways of doing things, she wouldn't let it drop and we ended up having an argument resulting in me refusing to discuss the issue with her anymore, I collected the kids at 8am this morning and she asked to have a private word, she proceeded to once again bring the issue up and ask that I only give the children 4 gifts, I was in no mood to speak about this again so I just walked away.

Ex also doesn't do santa, In my house we do santa, not all the gifts are from him, just 1 gift and the stocking, it's just a bit of fun really. The kids had their gifts from me, 1 santa gift and then gifts from my parents and siblings, my gf and her family also got presents for them, it sounds like a lot but the kids each filled a box full of toys/books to donate to chairty at the end of novemeber to make room for new toys.

Kids have spoke to mum on the phone and she's now called me in a mood telling me how out of order I am and that I'm going against her wishes, now I've remained calm on this matter and bit my tongue, then eventually just refusing to speak about it but I've finally snapped today on the phone and told her that's she's just annoyed because I'm giving the kids a good Christmas whilst on Xmas day they sat at hers with nothing more than a tshirt and some slime (it's not a money issue, she has money) now I shouldn't have snapped but I was at braking point with her being controlling and trying to tell me how to raise my kids on my time (50/50 custody) she has now text me to say that the kids aren't to bring any of the presents they have received to her house and they have all to stay at mine permanently, the kids usually bring favourite items between houses so this is going to be an issue.

I don't even know what I'm asking, has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to move forward with this situation? My gf bought eldest some popular spray and skin items and I already know she's going to want to bring them between houses, no idea how to tell the kids they can't do this as it's their presents and they should be allowed to do as they please with them.

OP posts:
Bertielong3 · 26/12/2024 17:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

HoppityBun · 26/12/2024 17:50

She’s bananas.

toomuchfaff · 26/12/2024 17:52

You need to remind the ex wife that although she is a parent, so are you, and you have just the same amount of rights to parent the children when they are in your care, she has no say how you parent, just as you have no say in how she parents the kids.

She may follow the 4 gift rule, wippy do, the kids get 4 gifts off her... they get however many presents you want to give them. Keep the gifts at your house, it'll make the disparity even more to the kids how she is batshit and your the great amazing dad.

Whenindoubthugitout · 26/12/2024 17:52

I feel your frustration.
you are not in the wrong!!

my kids got a text from my ex on Xmas Eve, saying he is not doing Christmas this year, so they didn’t even get the usual box of celebrations and £50!!!! Given they are both uni students - the money would have been welcomed.

please don’t change the way you parent, and keep fighting for your kids.

Headingtowardsdivorce · 26/12/2024 17:55

no idea how to tell the kids they can't do this

Don't tell them. Let her tell them, it's her rule, not yours.

Pixilicious1 · 26/12/2024 17:55

toomuchfaff · 26/12/2024 17:52

You need to remind the ex wife that although she is a parent, so are you, and you have just the same amount of rights to parent the children when they are in your care, she has no say how you parent, just as you have no say in how she parents the kids.

She may follow the 4 gift rule, wippy do, the kids get 4 gifts off her... they get however many presents you want to give them. Keep the gifts at your house, it'll make the disparity even more to the kids how she is batshit and your the great amazing dad.

Edited

Exactly this.
It’s not up to her what you do with the children nor what/how many gifts you buy them. She’s totally out of order.

As to how you explain this to your children - let her do it, it’s her rule not yours, no need for you to be the bad guy.

pinkstripeycat · 26/12/2024 17:57

She’s annoyed because you did better. My dad used to stop us kids bringing presenting from his back to my mums who we lived with most of the time. As a child it was upsetting especially when I had one really special electric gift I’d specifically asked for. Each time I had finished playing with it I’d pack it away so carefully. It was brand new but the kind of thing that would become a collectible if looked after and kept for many years.

I was 10 when dad and stepmum had kids together and as time went by all my presents dad bought my sister and I were given to our younger siblings. My special present disappeared and it was returned to me as an adult when I had kids, in a carrier bag smashed to pieces.

HermoinePotter · 26/12/2024 17:58

If the children want to take anything back to your EXW house let them. Let her explain to them why she’s not allowing gifts they’ve been given to be brought home.

Poppyseeds79 · 26/12/2024 18:00

I agree with other posters. Ignore the text message, let the kids take what they want back to her house. I doubt she'll stop them bringing them in. She's just huffing that the kids have told her what lovely things they got. Next year she might up her gift giving game.

Whoarethoseguys · 26/12/2024 18:02

Your mum X wife sounds joyless.
You have as much right as she has to celebrate Christmas, give your children gifts and make it a magical time. Unless money is an issue her gifts for your 9 year old seem very stingy.

Original poster
As78 · 26/12/2024 18:04

She never used to be like this about giving gifts, we broke up when she was pregnant with the youngest, shortly before we broke up she started watching some American YouTube family with about 12 kids and they follow that style of gifting. 9 year old got a switch, 12 year old got an iPad and the youngest two have rather creepy life like monkeys that require care and feeding, these are not gifts they are willingly going to leave behind, I know I can just allow them to bring them on drop off day but it will be horrible for them if she refuses to allow them in the house with the presents.

OP posts:
dreamer24 · 26/12/2024 18:05

She sounds wildly unreasonable. Ignore! Your way sounds far more joyous and relaxed.

notbythehaironmychinnychin · 26/12/2024 18:07

I can see why she is an ex. Poor kids. She sounds horrible.

Silvertulips · 26/12/2024 18:07

Maybe she doesn’t want them on electronics air have the time for the Monkeys?
Maybe you need better communication?

toomuchfaff · 26/12/2024 18:08

Silvertulips · 26/12/2024 18:07

Maybe she doesn’t want them on electronics air have the time for the Monkeys?
Maybe you need better communication?

Even if she doesn't, that's her domain for her rules. Not his. 50/50 custody.

Aberentian · 26/12/2024 18:10

She can't tell you what to do so you do you, but god knows there's enough shit in the world and paring gifts down is better. It's not "stingy" to give less (though I don't give as little as your ex tbf.) More stuff does not equal more joy.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 26/12/2024 18:11

She shouldn’t be telling you how to parent when it’s 50:50. Buy them what you want, as long as it’s age appropriate and not dangerous. I agree with her that things should stay at your house, though. Sorry but you will be feeding the lifelike monkeys when the kids are at your ex’s and keeping a little photo diary of what they are up to every day to placate your kids.

Original poster
As78 · 26/12/2024 18:11

Silvertulips · 26/12/2024 18:07

Maybe she doesn’t want them on electronics air have the time for the Monkeys?
Maybe you need better communication?

Unfortunately her style of communication is to scream and shout and demand I do everything her way. The monkeys are for the children? Not for her? The kids care and play with the monkeys, as for not wanting the kids on electronics that's not an issue as they also received lego, craft items, remote control cars etc but she's saying they can't bring any of these back with them. There's only so long a kids going to be interested in a tub of slime before it becomes boring.

OP posts:
BoobyDazzler · 26/12/2024 18:14

It’s not up to her how you parent your own children

category12 · 26/12/2024 18:16

It's not great, but I think you'll just have to keep the presents at your place unless she comes round or nag-power of the kids gets her to back down.

Not worth fighting on about.

Birdscratch · 26/12/2024 18:16

It’s like she took the idea of ‘something you want, something you need, something you wear and something you read’ and sucked all the joy out of it. An iPad or switch could absolutely be ‘something you want.’ It’s more about trying to balance gifts. Slime is a stocking filler! Unless she’s struggling financially she’s being really miserly.

Whatever she chooses to do, if you have your DC 50:50 then she has no right to dictate your choices. Also, if she sticks to not having iPads and computer games at her place she shouldn’t be surprised if they choose to spend more time at yours as they get older.

Nevergiveuponagoodthing · 26/12/2024 18:17

She’s being unreasonable, controlling and not putting the kids first.

It does take some getting used to that you have no say on how the other parent chooses to parent once you separate / divorce. But she’s had 5 years!

Sorry OP.

FoxtonFoxton · 26/12/2024 18:18

Agree with others. Refuse to discuss it further, let the kids take and bring what they want. It's absolutely fine for her to do Christmas that way, as it is for you to do it your way.
She's moaning because her Christmas is shit, and deep down she knows it. I actually agree that kids don't need stacks of presents, but that bloody poem/saying is so miserable and soul sucking. Every time I see it mentioned here I think of the mum of my friend at primary school who was an absolute miser and would only buy the kids presents she deemed acceptable and not that they actually wanted (my little ponies, nothing heinous). They would get clothes and soap at 8. Fun.

KeeKees · 26/12/2024 18:20

I dont think you can force her to allow the gifts at her house, but she is batshit and a crank.

Original poster
As78 · 26/12/2024 18:21

Just to be clear I absolutely do not expect the kids to be allowed to pack up every single gift and bring them between houses but I do expect them to be allowed to bring some of their favourite items like the monkeys. I've been told my ex wife that absolutely no gifts are to go home with them, why shouldn't my 12 year old be allowed to bring perfume and skin care home with her, she's a really good kid but I know she's going to kick off big time about this

OP posts: