Argument with EX wife over gift giving for the children.

[As78]

Hi, dad here in need of some advice about me and my ex wife's different views on Christmas presents. Apologies if it's too long, I'm just trying to explaine the whole issue with all details.

4 children 12, 9, 7 & 5, for Christmas ex wife follows the something you want, something you need, something to wear & something to read method of gift giving, so each child will get 4 gifts, as an example my 9 year old got

Want - slime
Need - swim goggles.
Wear- t shirt
Read- book (not sure what book)

I do not follow this method of gift giving, it was ex wife's turn to have the kids on Christmas day so today I celebrated Christmas with my gf, my parents, her parents, both sets of siblings & the kids, so as you can imagine there was a lot more gifts. Around July time my ex spoke to me and asked me to follow her method of gift giving, I told her I wouldn't be doing this as we just needed to agree to disagree and respect each other's ways of doing things, she wouldn't let it drop and we ended up having an argument resulting in me refusing to discuss the issue with her anymore, I collected the kids at 8am this morning and she asked to have a private word, she proceeded to once again bring the issue up and ask that I only give the children 4 gifts, I was in no mood to speak about this again so I just walked away.

Ex also doesn't do santa, In my house we do santa, not all the gifts are from him, just 1 gift and the stocking, it's just a bit of fun really. The kids had their gifts from me, 1 santa gift and then gifts from my parents and siblings, my gf and her family also got presents for them, it sounds like a lot but the kids each filled a box full of toys/books to donate to chairty at the end of novemeber to make room for new toys.

Kids have spoke to mum on the phone and she's now called me in a mood telling me how out of order I am and that I'm going against her wishes, now I've remained calm on this matter and bit my tongue, then eventually just refusing to speak about it but I've finally snapped today on the phone and told her that's she's just annoyed because I'm giving the kids a good Christmas whilst on Xmas day they sat at hers with nothing more than a tshirt and some slime (it's not a money issue, she has money) now I shouldn't have snapped but I was at braking point with her being controlling and trying to tell me how to raise my kids on my time (50/50 custody) she has now text me to say that the kids aren't to bring any of the presents they have received to her house and they have all to stay at mine permanently, the kids usually bring favourite items between houses so this is going to be an issue.

I don't even know what I'm asking, has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to move forward with this situation? My gf bought eldest some popular spray and skin items and I already know she's going to want to bring them between houses, no idea how to tell the kids they can't do this as it's their presents and they should be allowed to do as they please with them.

Good luck for tomorrow @As78

It sounds like she doesn't want her kids to have any fun at Christmas.

Eh? He's probably...spending time with his kids.

You are coming across as a litle defensive. I get it - I have also been through a bitter divorce and it is unpleasant and difficult to deal with. I dont think you can catagorically say you know her finances as you are no longer together. You can only assume you know her finances. That she has a range rover is not relevant to assumptions about her finances - she also has a large family so would need a large car to transport them.

I also think the gift giving rules are sensible and sustainable / environmentally friendly. I can understand why she is upset about your gifts upstaging hers. I can also understand that you have different rules and dont need to abide by hers now - totaly agree.

But why are you passing on the mums rules to the kids meaning you are the one upsetting them? Plus how are you putting it across to them - if you put it across in a way that implies your feelings it will of course upset them. Poor kids they are really cought in the middle - feel for them. I would advise letting your ex tell the kids about her rules so that she takes ownership for the rule and any upset caused. When she sees they are upset she may relent and negotiate with the kids. I would keep that boundary in place - each person takes ownership of their own rules and is responsible for telling the children.

Tbf it's not hard to upstage tshirt, slime ,goggles book for a 9 yo and pens, socks, tshirt, book for a 12 yo.

i don't think ANYONE who buys a range rover has any chance of being concerned about consumerism.

Oh give over. OP moved out and has his children 50% of the time. I don't know the area but the price of a brand new Range Rover would easily cover a deposit on a house in most parts of the country. The ex could move out of the family home and buy somewhere perfectly adequate to house her children. The Court, or OP, has made the decision that THE CHILDREN should be able to stay in the family home until they reach adulthood. The ex just happens to be the one that shares it with them. Reasonable rules are essential parenting, preventing the children from keeping their possessions is quite another.

You seem a bit confused about coparenting.

OP's ex is not being "undermined" because OP did not agree to her idea.

OP does not have to compromise (by doing exactly what she says and giving them 4 gifts...) they are separated and he can do exactly what he likes and feels is in the children's best interests.

So the OP is not entitled to set boundaries with regards to how she parents her children in her own home.

Patently ridiculous and profoundly sexist.

Setting boundaries is something you do to keep your children safe and give them opportunities in life. Being petty and vindictive because you don't like your ex-husband isn't setting boundaries. What she's not allowed to do is make the children feel unwelcome and prevent them from being comfortable in their home. If the children refuse to go back to her home because the environment has become hostile, and the OP ends up getting a modification that the children live with him, the ex will no longer be allowed to live in the house.

who decides what is petty and vindictive? The ex husband because he pays the mortgage?

OP is allowed to say what items come into her home. 🙄 The financial arrangements of the divorce settlement are irrelevant

She has no good reason not to allow the children to have their possessions in their home. In this instance, pretty much everyone, except you and a few other "mother knows best, father is always wrong" commenters agree that she's petty and vindictive.

As I said earlier in the thread, in my view, children should be able to take items across homes . However, that is the mother’s boundary to set , and she is perfectly entitled to do so , regardless of the financial arrangements concerning the house. It’s extremely problematic to argue otherwise.
Lots of separated parents set boundaries around this. It’s normal.

In terms of your other comments, I certainly don’t think “mothers know best father is always wrong at all”, but :

a) think the OP’s behaviour in bringing the children into this squabble and upsetting them over Christmas was appalling , and makes it clear that he does not in fact have their best interests at heart. he’s clearly more interested in the row with his ex , and alienating the children from their mother.

B) I find his posts self congratulatory and hypocritical.

C) I find it disgusting that 95% on respondents on this thread are blowing smoke up this man’s arse, telling him what an amazing dad he is , because he got his kids an iPad and skin care products (purchased by his gf) , 🙄
(never mind ofc that he left his wife when she was pregnant, and dragged her through a court custody battle…)

Meanwhile pp’s are also more than ready to validate his perspective that his ex is a crazy, psycho-bitch , worst-mother-ever because she bought crap Xmas presents like slime, googles, clothes and books.

Whole thread is shameful display of misogyny in its most classic form.

First off, no, she doesn't have the right to set a boundary which has no purpose except to get back at her ex and upset her children. She may well find that she loses the family home as a result as there's no reason for her to be there if her children don't want to be.

In answer to the other strange takes you have on this:

a) He relayed the message the mother sent to his children as per her request. You cannot shoot the messenger for that.

b) I would also feel self-congratulatory if I was comparing myself to a woman who spends £100k on a car and £20 on her child's Christmas presents.

c) They broke up whilst she was pregnant and he said he stayed in the home to help until the baby was 6 months. He did not "drag her through a custody battle", he did the exact same thing as she did; acted to ensure his children had 50/50 access to both parents. I'm sure you'd be equally vitriolic if she'd had said he could only see them every other weekend and he'd shrugged his shoulders and gone along with it.

The only hypocrite I'm seeing is you.

First off, no, she doesn't have the right to set a boundary which has no purpose except to get back at her ex and upset her children. She may well find that she loses the family home as a result as there's no reason for her to be there if her children don't want to be

completely bizarre take. Any person has the right to refuse items ( purchased by someone else ) being brought into their house. This has no bearing on whether she will lose her home.

Anyways, Lord knows I don’t have time for this nonsense.

A lovely evening to you.

This is really sad. I always make sure my stepdaughter has special places (designated shelves and drawers) to keep things she doesn't want younger siblings to play with, separate from toys they all don't mind sharing and keep together. It's a shame your dad and SM didn't do that 😞

I somewhat agree with with you on point a. I also think this whole debacle could've been avoided if he had talked to her calmly in advanced and reached some kind of compromise. At the same time , a lot of the advice he got was to either let mum explain at drop off (not ideal , and he would be flamed for that too) or tell the kids himself what's going on. (Also not ideal in my eyes) . He chose the latter.

Point b, maybe . It's also a matter of perspective.

Point C, I get where you're coming from, but at the same time let's not forget there are actual children involved here. Children whose mother's behaviour has completely changed , and in this situation is fairly extreme. It would be negligent to pretend it's all fine and good and OP has nothing to worry about and everything she does is well and good because she's a woman/mother.Because we don't know. Do you?

Yeh, I get you on point C. I don’t think either parent is coming across well tbh. They both sound pretty vindictive and controlling and more interested in winning a conflict with each other than the best interests of their kids.
I just think the responses on this thread are so wildly imbalanced in favour of glorifying dad and vilifying mum which is just so typical 🥲

This. If your ex wants to be petty let her. The kids will see it for themselves.

What does it matter if you don't like Lynx? No one is asking you to wear it. If your DS likes it surely it's his choice to wear it not yours. Do you Check with your DC if they like your perfume before you spray it?

OP I hope you allow your ex to explain to all the kids tmrw why they can't bring their Xmas gifts to her home. They are HER rules so she has to explain them and deal with the aftermath. Don't say another word to her about it, let it play out.

At least you have the kids 50/50 so they get to use/have the gifts 50% of the time and your ex has no control of that.

For the kids sake you do need to put these shitty things aside to some degree. You might want to look at something parallel parenting, it's designed for situations when parents can't agree and aren't getting on. I know how tough it is, my XH is a really nasty guy and says all sorts about me to the kids, but I'm always polite and amicable when we're together for my kids sakes. I'd happily never see or speak to him ever again and I hate being around him, but I don't want my kids to be the ones I see who's parents can't even manage to be near each other at football matches and assemblies and graduations. I don't want them to be torn and feeling like they have to pick a side. My XH is an arsehole but as the parent it's my job to make sure things are OK and suck it up for my kids. I'm not saying agree with what she says or try and make her batshit behaviour out to be better than it is, but find a way to be civil and to set things like this aside when necessary.

i think some people need reminding that his Ex-Wife started this by trying to tell him what he could/couldn't buy for his own children at Christmas, and because he didn't agree, despite him trying to talk to her about it amicably on several prior occasions, has instead decided to take it out on her children because he wouldn't do what he was told.

As i said upthread.. my nephew and niece have a mother like this, and i've seen first hand the damage it does to the children.

The only thing this woman cares about is herself, not her childrens feelings.

Has the OP come up smelling 100% of roses? No.. but i know who i'm going to save my annoyance and disgust for.

Uhmm, not quite.

She tried to talk to him, not the other way around. Repeatedly.

It was in no way amicable.

Around July time my ex spoke to me and asked me to follow her method of gift giving, I told her I wouldn't be doing this as we just needed to agree to disagree and respect each other's ways of doing things, she wouldn't let it drop and we ended up having an argument resulting in me refusing to discuss the issue with her anymore, I collected the kids at 8am this morning and she asked to have a private word, she proceeded to once again bring the issue up and ask that I only give the children 4 gifts, I was in no mood to speak about this again so I just walked away.

It would've been fairer to the the kids and more grown up overall , if he just talked to her in July/on pick up day, said that he gets where she's coming from , but he's doing it his way and tried to reach a compromise- only bring 4 things back, or maybe pick their favourite thing or maybe something else. Something that work for everyone.

Instead he said no Argued, then ignored her, ignored her again , then called her out for being a crappy mum with her crappy gifts. That was never going to end well was it?

i'd say that's pretty clear of her telling him what to do, and because he said no, she's now taking it out on the kids.

Who the hell does she think she is telling him what he can/can't buy for the kids?