Argument with EX wife over gift giving for the children.

[As78]

Hi, dad here in need of some advice about me and my ex wife's different views on Christmas presents. Apologies if it's too long, I'm just trying to explaine the whole issue with all details.

4 children 12, 9, 7 & 5, for Christmas ex wife follows the something you want, something you need, something to wear & something to read method of gift giving, so each child will get 4 gifts, as an example my 9 year old got

Want - slime
Need - swim goggles.
Wear- t shirt
Read- book (not sure what book)

I do not follow this method of gift giving, it was ex wife's turn to have the kids on Christmas day so today I celebrated Christmas with my gf, my parents, her parents, both sets of siblings & the kids, so as you can imagine there was a lot more gifts. Around July time my ex spoke to me and asked me to follow her method of gift giving, I told her I wouldn't be doing this as we just needed to agree to disagree and respect each other's ways of doing things, she wouldn't let it drop and we ended up having an argument resulting in me refusing to discuss the issue with her anymore, I collected the kids at 8am this morning and she asked to have a private word, she proceeded to once again bring the issue up and ask that I only give the children 4 gifts, I was in no mood to speak about this again so I just walked away.

Ex also doesn't do santa, In my house we do santa, not all the gifts are from him, just 1 gift and the stocking, it's just a bit of fun really. The kids had their gifts from me, 1 santa gift and then gifts from my parents and siblings, my gf and her family also got presents for them, it sounds like a lot but the kids each filled a box full of toys/books to donate to chairty at the end of novemeber to make room for new toys.

Kids have spoke to mum on the phone and she's now called me in a mood telling me how out of order I am and that I'm going against her wishes, now I've remained calm on this matter and bit my tongue, then eventually just refusing to speak about it but I've finally snapped today on the phone and told her that's she's just annoyed because I'm giving the kids a good Christmas whilst on Xmas day they sat at hers with nothing more than a tshirt and some slime (it's not a money issue, she has money) now I shouldn't have snapped but I was at braking point with her being controlling and trying to tell me how to raise my kids on my time (50/50 custody) she has now text me to say that the kids aren't to bring any of the presents they have received to her house and they have all to stay at mine permanently, the kids usually bring favourite items between houses so this is going to be an issue.

I don't even know what I'm asking, has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to move forward with this situation? My gf bought eldest some popular spray and skin items and I already know she's going to want to bring them between houses, no idea how to tell the kids they can't do this as it's their presents and they should be allowed to do as they please with them.

Right.

I hate it when kids end up being penalised for their parents separation- which is what this is.

I hate the ‘something you wear…’ approach to present giving- it always sounds so functional and joyless. We had loads of presents as kids and were never at all spoiled and so grateful for everything we had.

I wish I knew what to suggest op, exw sounds awful

@As78 I hope the kids are doing well and handover went as ok as possible.
It's weird how some people think using Christmas gifts as a form of control is ok.
I'm currently having an argument with my ex about getting the kids bikes back from him after they went for a bike ride over 2 months ago, he doesn't think he needs to return them as he bought them over a year ago as the kids birthday gifts.
I'll likely end up getting them some off market place to remove the control.
Good luck with your situation and I hope the kids have had a brilliant Christmas.

YANBU at all! What a joyless woman.

I feel sorry for you and your children. It sounds like you have gone to a lot of trouble to make a special Christmas for them.
My only advice would be that maybe you should have tried to communication with your ex before the day, regardless of how difficult this might have been for you. She raised it in Aug, you could have emailed/texted your plans then, this would have given her chance to get used to the idea and may have protected your children from her anger at this stage. I know it is hard communication with someone who is volatile, but I think you need to engage in order to stop things boiling over and effecting your children.

@As78

We teach kids not to bully or be mean yet there is grown bloody adults on this thread being nasty and snobby about children having some lynx, bloody ridiculous.

Hey there's definitely nothing wrong with Lynx! It reminds me of teaching teenage boys.

@As78

I can't get over her sitting with a brand new range rover and opening her pile of gifts in front of the kids whilst all they got was a t shirt and slime, this has definitely strained our relationship.

That's not nice on her part. I think the kids will get fed up of her & decide that they prefer your place. The expensive car doesn't really go with what she is imposing on the kids.

No…. I’m not confused about coparenting having dove it for ten years with a very difficult ex. It seems you have misunderstood me.
it is not that the OP not agreeing to her idea which undermines her gift approach …. It is the act of gift giving well in excess of that which undermines. It comes across as trying to buy the kids affection and will affect the kids.

correct…. OP does not have to compromise. No one has to compromise. But if both parents refuse to compromise and everyone remains rigid to their way of doing things it is the kids who are caught in the middle of a war of point scoring , of parents being right and refusing to bend a little for the sake of the kids. Poor kids ! I feel for them.

it doesn't take much to give in excess of slime and swimming goggles

Completely ignore these bonkers instructions. Be neutral in response ie let's not get into an argument. We both have our own opinions on these things. And repeat.

I haven't read anything which indicates excess. Just a few age-appropriate presents.

Put everything back on your ex. When the kids ask to take their presents home say you're more than happy for them to but they need to run it past Mum first. Let her be the one to tell them they can't. If she's adamant they can't have your gifts in her house then let the kids know they can come to yours anytime to play with their toys or the eldest to use her skincare stuff. It's very controlling of your ex to expect you to gift give as she does. Remind her you have just as much right to parent your children as she does & as long as the kids are happy & healthy you'll continue to do things your way when they're with you.

She is being ridiculous. I could understand if your different parenting styles were harming the children but they are not.

She seems not to realise that some difference in parenting styles will happen - especially with separated parents.

I've been in your exact position OP. I made the decision to tell the kids that my ex did not want items going between his house to mine, I would respect his decision as its his home and if they did not agree they should talk to their dad.

They did, he was his usual dictatorial self, for a while the kids smuggled items; DS even going as far as putting Wi games in his shoes. They found it amusing at first, seeing what items they could get out without being caught. But then the oldest saw the reason behind his refusal to let things move between the houses and made the decision that it was easier to stay in one home.

Her dad ended up with a room full of electronics, books, games etc that were untouched for years. This was seven years ago and at nearly 18 she wont use them anymore. Any electronics she saved up and bought herself with birthday money etc. it was a complete waste. A few months ago they must have had a clear out and gave her a bag full of stuff she may use.

This doesn't sound like a simple difference in parenting styles, its more like controlling behaviour. You can't stop controlling people from being controlling, but if you don't give them an outlet they just switch to something else.
Stop butting heads with her on this, manage things your own way, and watch out for signs she is controlling over food or other inappropriate things.

The OP isn't coming back guys.

of course OP is not coming back - schools have gone back now.