Argument with EX wife over gift giving for the children.

[As78]

Hi, dad here in need of some advice about me and my ex wife's different views on Christmas presents. Apologies if it's too long, I'm just trying to explaine the whole issue with all details.

4 children 12, 9, 7 & 5, for Christmas ex wife follows the something you want, something you need, something to wear & something to read method of gift giving, so each child will get 4 gifts, as an example my 9 year old got

Want - slime
Need - swim goggles.
Wear- t shirt
Read- book (not sure what book)

I do not follow this method of gift giving, it was ex wife's turn to have the kids on Christmas day so today I celebrated Christmas with my gf, my parents, her parents, both sets of siblings & the kids, so as you can imagine there was a lot more gifts. Around July time my ex spoke to me and asked me to follow her method of gift giving, I told her I wouldn't be doing this as we just needed to agree to disagree and respect each other's ways of doing things, she wouldn't let it drop and we ended up having an argument resulting in me refusing to discuss the issue with her anymore, I collected the kids at 8am this morning and she asked to have a private word, she proceeded to once again bring the issue up and ask that I only give the children 4 gifts, I was in no mood to speak about this again so I just walked away.

Ex also doesn't do santa, In my house we do santa, not all the gifts are from him, just 1 gift and the stocking, it's just a bit of fun really. The kids had their gifts from me, 1 santa gift and then gifts from my parents and siblings, my gf and her family also got presents for them, it sounds like a lot but the kids each filled a box full of toys/books to donate to chairty at the end of novemeber to make room for new toys.

Kids have spoke to mum on the phone and she's now called me in a mood telling me how out of order I am and that I'm going against her wishes, now I've remained calm on this matter and bit my tongue, then eventually just refusing to speak about it but I've finally snapped today on the phone and told her that's she's just annoyed because I'm giving the kids a good Christmas whilst on Xmas day they sat at hers with nothing more than a tshirt and some slime (it's not a money issue, she has money) now I shouldn't have snapped but I was at braking point with her being controlling and trying to tell me how to raise my kids on my time (50/50 custody) she has now text me to say that the kids aren't to bring any of the presents they have received to her house and they have all to stay at mine permanently, the kids usually bring favourite items between houses so this is going to be an issue.

I don't even know what I'm asking, has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to move forward with this situation? My gf bought eldest some popular spray and skin items and I already know she's going to want to bring them between houses, no idea how to tell the kids they can't do this as it's their presents and they should be allowed to do as they please with them.

I think this thread alone is a very large clue!

For anyone saying im trying to make myself look better than my ex by getting better gifts are wrong, but let be really honest it doesn't take much to over shine a t shirt and some slime, this is not a money issue, she has money, she started following this American youtube family and now she likes to parent like these youtubers. As for the gifts for the 12 almost 13 year old, she's a teen so she didn't want dollies and colouring books I got her what most kids her age now want, clothes, ipad and skincare, it has nothing to do with trying to make ex wife look bad.

My son loves this stuff even though it reminds me of my brother and his teenage years, however, I would never bin a present and I think that is just a bit off to bin something because you don't like the smell or refuse to have in your house. Like lots of mums I'm mainly glad my son takes an interest in personal hygiene.

Not really relevant though is it ?

Are you serious? Have you ever smelled Lynx?! He has toiletries just not items that smell that a 90s football changing room.

And I’m totally on board with the Ex wifes approach to limit excess stuff at Christmas. It’s a slog policing screen time for kids and if Op is anything like my ex husband there’ll be no parental controls set up so that will be another job for her to sort out.

You're utterly unreasonable too then. Lynx for teen boys is a rite of passage. You suck it up.

"Your taste", indeed!

That’s why I was worried about the skincare. It takes a whole lot of crazy to bin an iPad or switch because they’re pricey but I can easily see someone with Views getting angry enough to bin smelly stuff.

Oh op I feel your pain. My exh has opted to completely ghost our 3 kids for the past 3 years (all teens/young adults now).

He would rant about how I was trying to control him through the kids - I wasn't, but he was determined to see me as the cause of all the problems with his relationship with them rather than look at how his behaviour was massively contributing to the issues he was facing.

Some co-parents just refuse to consider that their behaviour needs adjusting and it doesn't matter how reasonable you try to be, they will be determined that you are in the wrong.

Re the presents - to a degree I understand the not having all the presents at hers - space runs out and it becomes hard trying to find a home for everything but rotating/bringing different/favourite ones home is really the best way forward I reckon!

I'm sorry it's been so trying!

Could you get some old glass bottles and transfer the skincare?
Put some manky labels on? ‘Organic Toe Jam made with real dandruff?’ just to put the ex off.
And those YouTube channels can be dangerous. One of those saintly mothers was just imprisoned for abusing and starving her own children.

Never been a fan of that four gift rule tbh. Seems a little tight and no one I know IRL follows it. Only on MN do I see people say they do this.

They're your kids, buy them what you want! She's obviously bought them as little as she wants!

Keep parenting how you see fit. Just as she does!

Of course it stinks but so do teen boys!!

"90s football changing room" - erm, have you ever been in Boots??!

You sound like a total killjoy too. Parent your children, same as the rest of us. Don't deprive them of the things other kids have too, because you can't be bothered to deal with it.

OP, your ex wife is a mean cow and you've done nothing wrong. What a miserable Christmas for them. I'm glad they've had a lovely time with you. I can't work out why she wouldn't allow their gifts to go with them. Punishing you through them I suspect. And that's the crappest of parenting.

Your ex wife sounds absolutely bonkers 😳😳😳😳 I don’t know what the answer actually is but you’re right and she’s mad.

Reminds me of my ex who wouldn’t allow then toddler dd to have her special blanket at his house and made her put it in a box 😳 She’s 21 now and still hates him over that. Needless to say he was an arsehole all round and she barely sees him now.

Seem it all now. Teenage boys having there deodorant policed, most of use are just glad they use. I hate lynx Africa but my sons loves it, I buy him more to encourage him to us it.

How ridiculous.

Love the advice that your ex needs to tell them about her rule.

Sorry she is being so inflexible; that’s crap for you

Now you're just projecting.

OP you made the mistake of saying you were a man.
Always do a reverse and say you are a women on MN if you want unbiased replies.

I think your ex is being ridiculous.

You have as much right to give the gifts as she does.
She does not get to tell you to only buy 4 gifts, just like you have no right to tell her to only buy 4 gifts.

It’s do petty that she won’t let the kids take home/bring something to the other home and she seems a bit controlling.
However, I would not die on this hill.

Tell your DD that her mum doesn’t want her to take it and that skincare etc will have to stay at your home and to ask her mum to buy it for her home (although I doubt she will).

Nothing makes me madder than when parents put their issues above their kids happiness.
She’s so focused playing tit for tat with you that she doesn’t see how much she’s hurting her kids.

Do not think people like this would not bin an iPad. Because my child would not park in the spot they was told to, his partner got out of the car and binned the present they had just bought them.

OP tell her you've let them bring 4 gifts to hers. Eg for your oldest want- iPad, need - skin care etc. At least they get to take their favourites then and you are playing her at her own game. She can't refuse them if you say they fit her batshit rule!

That's a good suggestion but unfortunately I'm almost certain my daughter will be horrified by me suggesting this. I'm not a cool dad who knows about all these trendy things but apparently the items are popular, they are in pretty colorful looking bottles etc and come with little storage bags.

The four things doesn’t have to be tight though. The something to wear could be a branded hoodie or trainers. The something they need could be new/better kit for a sport or hobby. I’ve seen it suggested on here most when someone is desperate for gift ideas because they have a 12-14 year old boy who says there’s nothing they really want when Christmas is looming.

Go on you op for giving your kids a better Xmas than their so called mother did.
She sounds a bit unhinged.

Sorry OP but I’d tell her your house your rules !!

Your Christmas sounds a lot more fun please don’t change that for the kids !

She's batshit

This is ridiculous and cruel