Argument with EX wife over gift giving for the children.

[As78]

Hi, dad here in need of some advice about me and my ex wife's different views on Christmas presents. Apologies if it's too long, I'm just trying to explaine the whole issue with all details.

4 children 12, 9, 7 & 5, for Christmas ex wife follows the something you want, something you need, something to wear & something to read method of gift giving, so each child will get 4 gifts, as an example my 9 year old got

Want - slime
Need - swim goggles.
Wear- t shirt
Read- book (not sure what book)

I do not follow this method of gift giving, it was ex wife's turn to have the kids on Christmas day so today I celebrated Christmas with my gf, my parents, her parents, both sets of siblings & the kids, so as you can imagine there was a lot more gifts. Around July time my ex spoke to me and asked me to follow her method of gift giving, I told her I wouldn't be doing this as we just needed to agree to disagree and respect each other's ways of doing things, she wouldn't let it drop and we ended up having an argument resulting in me refusing to discuss the issue with her anymore, I collected the kids at 8am this morning and she asked to have a private word, she proceeded to once again bring the issue up and ask that I only give the children 4 gifts, I was in no mood to speak about this again so I just walked away.

Ex also doesn't do santa, In my house we do santa, not all the gifts are from him, just 1 gift and the stocking, it's just a bit of fun really. The kids had their gifts from me, 1 santa gift and then gifts from my parents and siblings, my gf and her family also got presents for them, it sounds like a lot but the kids each filled a box full of toys/books to donate to chairty at the end of novemeber to make room for new toys.

Kids have spoke to mum on the phone and she's now called me in a mood telling me how out of order I am and that I'm going against her wishes, now I've remained calm on this matter and bit my tongue, then eventually just refusing to speak about it but I've finally snapped today on the phone and told her that's she's just annoyed because I'm giving the kids a good Christmas whilst on Xmas day they sat at hers with nothing more than a tshirt and some slime (it's not a money issue, she has money) now I shouldn't have snapped but I was at braking point with her being controlling and trying to tell me how to raise my kids on my time (50/50 custody) she has now text me to say that the kids aren't to bring any of the presents they have received to her house and they have all to stay at mine permanently, the kids usually bring favourite items between houses so this is going to be an issue.

I don't even know what I'm asking, has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to move forward with this situation? My gf bought eldest some popular spray and skin items and I already know she's going to want to bring them between houses, no idea how to tell the kids they can't do this as it's their presents and they should be allowed to do as they please with them.

well if you’ve never argued like this before and you normally co-parent well and equally I would suggest a neutral person like a mediator to try manage it with least amount of fall out. If you both want to put kids first there’s a balance to be achieved between giving them a magical Xmas and not being too materialistic about it all that maybe you can strike? FWIW I’m more team you in this situation and I can’t imagine not letting them bring stuff between houses but it doesn’t matter what MN think - you have to try work it out with your ex!

My kids are exactly the same age and I know they'd be upset at having to leave all their gifts. Your ex needs to woman up and stop letting bitterness impact the children. The want/need/wear/read things is bleak af anyway. She's probably feeling inferior.

If they have to keep the items at your house then it will just be extra fun when they visit.

You seem a bit upset and overwhelmed OP. You want your kids to be happy and have happy memories it’s being turned into a moral dilemma and source of anxiety for everyone.

I feel sorry for you. However be strong, your wife can’t dictate to you anymore. Your kids can’t be in trouble. You’ve made this decision and she can’t hold them responsible. She also can’t get to you x

Tell her to set aside her ego and quit making it a sport, to think about the kids happiness and memories and what is best for them.

I simply HAD to google this monkey. Creepy indeed but good luck getting them to leave that behind!

Oh and you’re a good Dad. Keep your chin up op 🤗

Its EWs fault… you’d have to work very hard to look bloody worse.

Have you heard of the one sentence response? Just an impartial one sentence response?

Let them take 4 items each other home or less if she’ll complain..perhaps suggest this to ex as a compromise

@As78

She sounds bonkers & lots on here would complain if step kids got more than yours. Honestly she needs to be happy if they are being treated well.

Who is this crazy YouTuber? They often end up not being what they portray. Look at RubyFranke. It's a good job they spend 50/50 with you both.

They will just choose to spend more time with you as they get older. Her lifestyle sounds quite dreary.

I adopted the something they want/need/wear/read idea as well, but only to stop me getting carried away and buying loads of tat, as I used to. However it's a guide, not written in stone. Mum sounds controlling. I can understand not wanting loads of stuff especially if space/storage is an issue, and I do remember when DS was little, my heart would sink when a well meaning relative or friend would haul out some massive new toy, while I mentally tried to figure out where on earth it would fit in my tiny flat, but it sounds this is about more than that.

It's none of her business if you choose to get your own children more presents for Christmas!

You're stretching the situation that's happening with the gifts.

Let's agree to disagree 😊

Just ignore her

I've just gone on YouTube and looked up the family, I was wrong I believe they are actually from Australia not America. They are called life with beans, they are a large family with multiple sets of twins and triplets. It's my kids I'm upset for, up until today I've never criticised my ex for the way she chooses to give give gifts, I'm just upset knowing that my kids will be upset, the little ones are excited to show their mum the monkeys are my 7 year old is saying we are now grandparents. They go back to their mums on Sunday so if we can't sort it out by then, then I will just need to tell the kids to leave their gifts, I'm just sad for them.

That’s just horrible.

My God I've just looked up ruby franke, how sad for those children. The one my ex follows is called life with beans.

I do the four presents like she does but that’s because for me Christmas is more about food and good times, I do more for their birthdays. However my five year old got a big Lego set as his want and a new scooter as his need. Plus he got a Santa gift and stocking fillers. It doesn’t need to be joyless. I note you said your Exw has money but my ex doesn’t and the kids probably only got one or two presents from him - they will still be happy with that!

She sounds not right! Listen I don’t know why people try make people feel bad about buying more. You don’t even need to justify it. If the kids are gracious, kind , caring children and don’t behave spoiled etc then why not. I have met children who have everything they need and have grown up to be well rounded adults. It wasn’t a post about less or more as posts keep eluding too. More about the wife and if anyone navigated this. I haven’t - sorry but feel for you. My cousin ran off to follow Jesus and started all this no gifts beforehand and we all have too much. Left her whole family to live in a church programme in oz. After lecturing everyone on how we all had too much. Think she should have worried more about her abandoning the family and not having too much 🤣

@As78

Just looked this family up & keeping my fingers crossed she doesn't make the kids wear tie dye 🤞🏻

You have the same rights as her as patent and as long as you aren't doing / giving anything dangerous / inappropriate then she doesn't have the right to comment. She sounds very controlling and all about what she wants over the kids wants and needs. I'd let them pack their bags alone and whatever they put in so be it, she can be the bad one and refuse them in her house. Why should you be the person to break that news to them. Keep doing what you're doing you sound like a good dad and your gf and her family seem welcoming to them which is lovely too. You're allowed to have different traditions to the mum, you don't question her so she shouldn't question you.

Social services will not get involved over something like this. I'm shocked that you think they would.

She's been shown up because, by the sound of it, she's spending a total of £20 per kid and not even putting that much effort into what she chooses and doesn't like it that the kids have a much better time and get much nicer gifts from you.

"I don't need your input into the gifts I give. If you don't want the children to bring their gifts to yours, you can tell them yourself. Bye now, Merry Christmas."

That's all you need to say.

It’s clearly sol de janeiro.. which no self respecting 12 year old would be without!

OP you sound completely reasonable.

If the roles were reversed and you were the mum who wanted to do her own Christmas presents with the dad saying max 4 (boring) gifts rule, he’d be called out as controlling, tight, probably abusive and you’d be told you did well leaving the bastard (LTB).

It sounds like you already have some good boundaries in place re splitting things. Also credit to you for rebutting some of the suggestions on here that you’re just trying to show up your exw in some way. As for Christmas within reason given the exw is extreme in her views… you do you. She can’t tell you how to celebrate with your own family.

But she CAN tell tell the kids why they can’t bring their things over.

Let them decide who is being unreasonable quite frankly. It’s not you.

Edited: CAN not can’t!

She can get fucked

This is what I meant in 302 less words.

Have phoned ex to try and discuss this and she's standing her ground and saying the kids aren't to being anything back with them on Sunday. I'm going to speak to the older two when the youngest go to bed, not going to speak to the younger ones about it just yet as I know they will cry about taylor and jam (the monkeys). I've checked what the skin cage and sprays are as there seems to be some controversy about this, the brands are bubble and sol de janerio, I'm not going to get in to a debate about this, it's a little bit of face wash and body spray, she's a teenager and apparently all the girls have this, my GF put a lot of thought in to the items she picked and ny daughter is over the moon with them, I'm not clued up on teenage girls beauty products but I'm confident my GF wouldn't purchase anything that's dangerous for her.