Argument with EX wife over gift giving for the children.

[As78]

Hi, dad here in need of some advice about me and my ex wife's different views on Christmas presents. Apologies if it's too long, I'm just trying to explaine the whole issue with all details.

4 children 12, 9, 7 & 5, for Christmas ex wife follows the something you want, something you need, something to wear & something to read method of gift giving, so each child will get 4 gifts, as an example my 9 year old got

Want - slime
Need - swim goggles.
Wear- t shirt
Read- book (not sure what book)

I do not follow this method of gift giving, it was ex wife's turn to have the kids on Christmas day so today I celebrated Christmas with my gf, my parents, her parents, both sets of siblings & the kids, so as you can imagine there was a lot more gifts. Around July time my ex spoke to me and asked me to follow her method of gift giving, I told her I wouldn't be doing this as we just needed to agree to disagree and respect each other's ways of doing things, she wouldn't let it drop and we ended up having an argument resulting in me refusing to discuss the issue with her anymore, I collected the kids at 8am this morning and she asked to have a private word, she proceeded to once again bring the issue up and ask that I only give the children 4 gifts, I was in no mood to speak about this again so I just walked away.

Ex also doesn't do santa, In my house we do santa, not all the gifts are from him, just 1 gift and the stocking, it's just a bit of fun really. The kids had their gifts from me, 1 santa gift and then gifts from my parents and siblings, my gf and her family also got presents for them, it sounds like a lot but the kids each filled a box full of toys/books to donate to chairty at the end of novemeber to make room for new toys.

Kids have spoke to mum on the phone and she's now called me in a mood telling me how out of order I am and that I'm going against her wishes, now I've remained calm on this matter and bit my tongue, then eventually just refusing to speak about it but I've finally snapped today on the phone and told her that's she's just annoyed because I'm giving the kids a good Christmas whilst on Xmas day they sat at hers with nothing more than a tshirt and some slime (it's not a money issue, she has money) now I shouldn't have snapped but I was at braking point with her being controlling and trying to tell me how to raise my kids on my time (50/50 custody) she has now text me to say that the kids aren't to bring any of the presents they have received to her house and they have all to stay at mine permanently, the kids usually bring favourite items between houses so this is going to be an issue.

I don't even know what I'm asking, has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to move forward with this situation? My gf bought eldest some popular spray and skin items and I already know she's going to want to bring them between houses, no idea how to tell the kids they can't do this as it's their presents and they should be allowed to do as they please with them.

You can buy what you like for your own house but dont expect to be able to dictate what does/doesn’t go to her house. Like most children they likely have far too much stuff and I wouldnt be thrilled with having to have smellies brought home that wouldnt be to my taste. My ex husband bought DS lynx which he knows will be binned if sprayed in my house.

The children are with you the same time as they are with their mum. As pp have said, you should remind her you are their parent too, with PR and they live between you both. She runs the risk of them wanting to be with you all the time if she doesn’t allow them to bring their toys between you poor kids! X

It wouldn't be your perfume, it would your child's.

But the toiletries are for the child, not for you. What does it matter if the toiletries ‘aren't to your taste’

But it doesn't have to be your taste, you won't be using a 12 year olds perfumes or skincare. They are gifts for her, not you.

From a practical point of view, as much as your ex is being completely unreasonable, I might suggest to your 12 year old that they keep their smelly stuff at your place. They shouldn’t have to do that but I’m imagining the rows and tears if their mother throws it away - it sounds like she might be capable of that.

She's being ridiculous but pick your battles. If you send the children back with their gifts and she throws them away then it's the children that suffer. So tell them their mum has said their gifts from you must stay at your house.

Wow, you'd be a good match for my ex wife, both mothers who put their feelings over their children's. Imagine binning your kids presents, how sad.

I would encourage the DC to leave the gifts at your house for a few weeks before taking them between homes but not dictate.

She is risking alienating the DC which is on her and as a result they may choose to spend more time with you.

Kids are really old enough to pop favourite bits into a bag themselves - when I’m packing for holidays I always ask my kids if they need anything else etc. so I would stay out of it. Is mediation a potential if you have lots of things that you can’t agree on? You have at least another 13 years making decisions together so if you can do so with kids in mind that would be ideal? Lastly, in terms of other items are you equal? I know some co-parents where the father refused to buy any clothes/shoes/essentials for school etc but would always turn up at Xmas with lots of flashy expensive toys which naturally is very hard for the parent providing essentials to witness because they would also love to do that but need to be the sensible parent. Is that the case at all?

The skin care items the oldest got are some sort of viral/popular teen products that apparently lots of girls her age are going crazy for at the moment, it's not makeup or anything, just some face wash, cream and spray, it's something she would want to use daily, my gf asked to be the one to buy her these as she enjoys shopping for items like this and I'll hold my hands up and say I know nothing about skin care and perfume, it's her favourite gift, she likes the skin care more than the iPad.

Let her show the kids just how unreasonable she can be by banning all their presents from the house, let her do it. Encourage the children to leave the gifts at your house to use there but if they ask to take them to mums tell them they should ask mum. Let her be the bad guy.

Why did you leave your wife while she was pregnant @As78?

My dgd asked for some of that skin care I told her no her skin is perfect but that’s besides the point here.
Let them take their gifts home let your ex tell them not to it’s her crazy rule. Surely she won’t throw their things away.

Sounds like you are trying to one up your wife by getting these extravagant presents. I guess she will have to grin and bear it though as it would be unfair to tell them they couldn't bring their gifts back and forth to each home.

We stopped getting along, she changed as a person and we fell out of love. I remained in thr family home until youngest was 6 months old so that I could help with the newborn stage, I know the aim of your comment was to try and make me out to be a crap husband and father but I did no wrong, some marriages just don't work.

@BigCarMistake
This surely can't be a serious post and if it is what a nasty snob you are.

What exactly would your taste of smellies be that are allowed in your house?

With that attitude and the op's ex wife I just know your kids will be posting on here in a few years saying how they are determined not to treat their own kids the way they were treated.

My 11 year old dd had a few skincare products for Christmas and she's thrilled with them, I couldn't imagine being so spiteful as to put them in the bin.
It's nice that they are wanting to take care of their bodies.

OP I'm guessing she wanted Bubble or Bioma products which I'm sure she was over the moon with.

Well if she's like this with other issues,won't be long before kids want to live with you full time ,just to have a normal life

I buy my kids uniform, shoes, PE and sports items, ex wife buys stationery and backpacks. I also pay for all hobbies and any items required for those hobbies and I pay for all school trips, this isn't a money issue. I just sont want my kids having to sneak items in their bags and feel scared of being caught out for it. We've never argued like this before, she just can't get over the differences we have in gift giving.

You sound like a great dad, keep being you!

As for your ex, next time she texts reply with a Ho Ho Ho

Then you're a twat. Why can't your DS spray Lynx in his own home?

I wasn't trying to make you out to be a crap husband and father.
I just wondered why you'd left your wife.

You cannot reason with unreasonable people. All you can do is see that your children have a nice time with you. If possible be respectful of her ideas and try to teach them the values that you uphold.I wonder if you could talk to her about giving the children more books or educational gifts. More practical clothing.

I fully aware of the horrors of sharing custody of children with someone with tunnel vision. We have two versions of this in our own family.

Sadly that response with one of my family members would mean the toys put in the dustbin .

This is what I was thinking. That's a totally shite Christmas she gave your children @As78! TG they have you to redress the balance.

If they want to take their gifts home, let them. Let them kick off with her about it. The only thing I'd be worried about would be that she would sabotage them. The 12 year old in particular could very well decide she doesn't want to live with her unreasonable mother any longer!

Slime ffs!